Paying a Grandmother to Watch Their Grandchild (babysitter, pregnant, chores)
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Noted - but you also indicated that in a "real" daycare you wouldn't pay for days the child was sick or you kept her home. That is not always the case. Maybe with some in-home providers but typically, you pay by week (based on a full time schedule or a part time schedule) not by however many random days per week you choose to use the service. I did mention that there is often either a reduced rate or an agreement that a certain number of weeks/year will be held at no cost for vacation schedules. My point was, that a most steady daycare is a business not a drop-off, pay as you go service with your child's space held at your convenience.
No, what I said was that I pay her:
Quote:
-pay her even when my daughter doesn't go to her that week
-When I take a day off work, I keep my daughter with me
In a daycare setting I haven't paid when I go on vacation, but I pay my Mom anyway (to be honest, mainly out of guilt because she still keeps her one of the two weeks and I don't want her to think I'm nickle-and-diming her).
Also, if I take off work because I'm sick, taking a personal day, etc, in a daycare, my daughter would still go; my mother expects to be off when I'm off. SO, even though she wants to be off when I'm off, I still pay her.
I haven't read all through the thread, but when my oldest was an infant, and I had to return to work, the sitter we hired didn't work out. I turned to my parents, who were happy to step in. However! I insisted on paying them in order to keep things on my terms. I didn't want misunderstandings about when I would pick him up, what he needed to be fed, etc. By making it a business relationship, all the angst was avoided.
My parents and my child ended up with a wonderful relationship due to their many hours together. I continued to look for a long term placement for him, as my parents were active retirees and loved to travel. When we moved him to another sitter, there was no acrimony, and my parents still were happy to substitute when we needed help.
Ya know, the funny thing is that if my mother didn't expect payment, I'd probably be more willing to give it to her. It's the expectation that kills me...don't know why, but it is what it is. Guess I'll do what many have suggested and just get over it.
Ya know, the funny thing is that if my mother didn't expect payment, I'd probably be more willing to give it to her. It's the expectation that kills me...don't know why, but it is what it is. Guess I'll do what many have suggested and just get over it.
I still don't get why you find her expectation that she should be available at your convenience at no cost a bit odd. You are saying though that you'd be willing to "give" it to her as long as she didn't ask for it. What this says to me (and I could be wrong) is that it's a control issue. You don't want your mom to put a dollar value her time and services (like other people who work) but you would be willing to "give" her money - like a donation - it just needs to be at YOUR convenience and discretion. Interesting.
I discussed this issue with a few people this afternoon, and one point that came up repeatedly was the tax implications of your arrangement. Are you issuing your mom a 1099-B or a W2? You must do so if you are paying her in excess of a certain amount per year. It used to be $600, but the last time I had to look up the information was many years ago, so I'm sure it's changed. My guess is that this has been a casual agreement, and you haven't researched it. If that is indeed the case, I strongly recommend that you look into it and then discuss what you find with your mother. The ensuing conversation will give you an opportunity to pursue other options if necessary and lessen the awkwardness of the situation if you must make changes.
Last edited by formercalifornian; 05-28-2010 at 04:06 PM..
I didn't say that (really, it's like a brick wall ) EVERY grandparent has the right to say "No." "I'm busy" or any other variation of "Aint doing it". BUT when you want to do it, volunteer to do it and would be insulted if I send her elsewhere, where does the money part come it?? (Keep in mind, I don't expect a rational, non-confrontational, calm answer out of you, so feel free to ignore this question. )
the money part came in when you agreed to it. This is all your fault. Don't be irritated with mom, be irritated that you agreed to it.
I still don't get why you find her expectation that she should be available at your convenience at no cost a bit odd. You are saying though that you'd be willing to "give" it to her as long as she didn't ask for it. What this says to me (and I could be wrong) is that it's a control issue. You don't want your mom to put a dollar value her time and services (like other people who work) but you would be willing to "give" her money - like a donation - it just needs to be at YOUR convenience and discretion. Interesting.
NO, but when it's expected, it feels so MERCENARY and I find that at odds with what *I think* (I said I, not anyone else) of when I picture a grandparent.
Ex: If I say
"Mom can you babysit Cindy?" and her response is "Sure!" and THEN I say "Thanks, I'll pay you for your time and effort" that would be okay with me, but I DON'T like :
"Mom, can you babysit Cindy?" and her response is "Yeah, how much you gonna pay me?"
Please direct me to it where I begrudge her spending the money on herself. What I said is that she doesn't need the money....but I don't resent her spending it on herself.
Leaving work now , but wanted to thank those who gave thoughtful feedback....I will admit, that I'm still conflicted on why I feel the way I do....I really don't know....this has been an issue that has bothered me for years. Perhaps, I need to just forget about the fact that it's "grandma"....take the family aspect of it totally out of the equation and look at it as a woman providing a service (which makes me a bit sad, to be honest).
You've given me food for thought.....it's not just related to this particular situation, but I've always been the type where I believe that family should look out for family (as long as the person doing the 'looking out' did not feel as if they were being taken advantage of). Will just have to change my way of thinking about things and realize that during childcare hours, grandma becomes "childcare provider" and treat it as such.
NO, but when it's expected, it feels so MERCENARY and I find that at odds with what *I think* (I said I, not anyone else) of when I picture a grandparent.
Ex: If I say
"Mom can you babysit Cindy?" and her response is "Sure!" and THEN I say "Thanks, I'll pay you for your time and effort" that would be okay with me, but I DON'T like :
"Mom, can you babysit Cindy?" and her response is "Yeah, how much you gonna pay me?"
And I would understand that if you were talking about one or two movie nights a month. What she is doing is a job so you need to put it in that context:
ie : ChocLot at job interview:
Potential employer: "We'd like to offer you the job of XX"
ChocLot: "Sounds like an interesting position, I'll need the details, including compensation schedule..."
*******
"Mom can you babysit Cindy?" and her response is "Sure!" and THEN I say "Thanks, I'll pay you for your time and effort" that would be okay with me, but I DON'T like :
"Mom, can you babysit Cindy?" and her response is "Yeah, how much you gonna pay me?"
Will just have to change my way of thinking about things and realize that during childcare hours, grandma becomes "childcare provider" and treat it as such.
Just in case you missed my post (#91) in the midst of all the sniping, please do take the time to look into the tax implications of your arrangement. It's really easy to get burned doing this kind of thing if you fail to file the appropriate paperwork. Better safe than sorry.
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It's the expectation that kills me...don't know why, but it is what it is. Guess I'll do what many have suggested and just get over it. 
) EVERY grandparent has the right to say "No." "I'm busy" or any other variation of "Aint doing it". BUT when you want to do it, volunteer to do it and would be insulted if I send her elsewhere, where does the money part come it?? 
(Keep in mind, I don't expect a rational, non-confrontational, calm answer out of you, so feel free to ignore this question. 
)
