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I thinks it ok to disagree!! Having fits does ruin things!!! When your in a grocery store, church, school etc. My dad just chose not to wait for years for us to get it!! We had a wonderful childhoood and he said, he was able to enjoy it because when were young he nipped things right in th bud". We went everywhere with our parents and we enjoyed it. I don't remember an episode of yelling, being embarrassed, and till this day people always spoke about how good of kids we were. But, my father didn't play, we were to enjoy life and appreciate the blessing that GOD put on our family and we did!!! I learned the hard way, because I didn't listen to my dad - like i said, " I didn't remember getting beatings". I just remembered all the love and when it was time to dicipline my children at 2-5 i didn't I chose the route they will learn sooner or later and it was just an embarassing (at times ) 2-5 yrs instead. Now, I changed it. My last one was the one that gave me fits and as soon as it was getting too much for me. I resulted to my dad's way and he says all that would have been delt with if you would have taking care of that in the beginning.
I don't think you are getting what I'm saying. I'm not talking about fits in public but at home. In general. Honestly, my DD never had a public tantrum to my recollection and my son only very rarely did (I really am not sure how I would handle the OPs situation so all I could do was offer alternatives). In general, when in a situation when they are home (hence being asked to go to their room), we just asked them to leave until they could be better behaved. I was agreeing with a previous poster not addressing the 30 minute grocery store tantrum. I had addressed that earlier. I didn't have to "wait years" for them to get it. They went through a developmental stage and learned appropriate anger management techniques. YOU are the one who said that the technique I used didn't teach them how to handle themselves. I disagree and have two confident, well behaved teen/young adults to validate that. They learned that their feelings might be valid but they can't expect the world to revolve around whatever feeling they might be having at whatever moment.
Last edited by maciesmom; 05-11-2010 at 09:17 AM..
I wouldn't just jump to the conclusion that there is something developmentally going on. Like I said, my almost 6yr old who is completely developmentally on track or advanced, had doozy tantrums at 3, she doesn't have them ever now...not ever.
No, not all kids do, my 3yr old son never has tantrums, but I wouldn't call in the specialists when the only symptom is tantruming.
Parents who have easy going kids have a hard time understanding kids who aren't easy going. My mother often talks about having me and my brother and we were saints as children, easy to bed, easy to discipline etc. She said my dad and she used to talk about other kids in the neighborhood and were at a loss as to how they could be so poorly behaved. My mom has a degree in early childhood education and taught for many years, she thought she was the parenting goddess. Then my sister was born. M was FIVE before she slept an entire night, she refused to go to bed, she refused to eat, we had a babysitter once call my mother at a restaurant and insist she come home and get her demon child. She would throw tantrums and hold her breath until she turned blue.
With consistency my sister was fine by kindergarten. If there were other warning signs I'd say definitely call your ped and get an evaluation, but really all I can see at least by your post, is a strong-willed child who has yet to control her temper.
Recipe for food issues. Why not prepare the healthy meal, give him the option of eating it, and if he doesn't, let him get up and go about his business. He won't starve and he'll be hungry enough to eat a healthy meal the next day.
Thats good as well. I started that.. but the next day he'll be at school eating breakfast. Also, he was going many nights without eating and he was getting belly aches from time to time.
When I took him to the doctors she said he was over weight. Now he was missing vegatables and meats from his diet and eating processed foods at school. So, after I resulted to what my dad said. He started eating and he did like it; it was just because he had the option not to eat it. He went without it!! Now, when I cook dinner we all sit down to eat and finish at the same time. His teeth got brighter, his attitude improved, and I am not worried anymore about his health.
I wouldn't just jump to the conclusion that there is something developmentally going on. Like I said, my almost 6yr old who is completely developmentally on track or advanced, had doozy tantrums at 3, she doesn't have them ever now...not ever.
No, not all kids do, my 3yr old son never has tantrums, but I wouldn't call in the specialists when the only symptom is tantruming.
Parents who have easy going kids have a hard time understanding kids who aren't easy going. My mother often talks about having me and my brother and we were saints as children, easy to bed, easy to discipline etc. She said my dad and she used to talk about other kids in the neighborhood and were at a loss as to how they could be so poorly behaved. My mom has a degree in early childhood education and taught for many years, she thought she was the parenting goddess. Then my sister was born. M was FIVE before she slept an entire night, she refused to go to bed, she refused to eat, we had a babysitter once call my mother at a restaurant and insist she come home and get her demon child. She would throw tantrums and hold her breath until she turned blue.
With consistency my sister was fine by kindergarten. If there were other warning signs I'd say definitely call your ped and get an evaluation, but really all I can see at least by your post, is a strong-willed child who has yet to control her temper.
I don't think you are getting what I'm saying. I'm not talking about fits in public but at home. In general. Honestly, my DD never had a public tantrum to my recollection and my son only very rarely did (I really am not sure how I would handle the OPs situation so all I could do was offer alternatives). In general, when in a situation when they are home (hence being asked to go to their room), we just asked them to leave until they could be better behaved. I was agreeing with a previous poster not addressing the 30 minute grocery store tantrum. I had addressed that earlier. I didn't have to "wait years" for them to get it. They went through a developmental stage and learned appropriate anger management techniques. YOU are the one who said that the technique I used didn't teach them how to handle themselves. I disagree and have two confident, well behaved teen/young adults to validate that. They learned that their feelings might be valid but they can't expect the world to revolve around whatever feeling they might be having at whatever moment.
Well rarely that misbehaved children at home, don't carry this behavior outside. But, if yours didn't that's great!!! I was responding to the OP and I thought you were. Sry!!
Quote:
Originally Posted by maciesmom
As they got older, we had discussions over what made them upset and how they could have got the message across in a more productive way.
Again, I must have mis-understood you. I was thinking because you stated "as they got older" that when you had your discussions on what made them upset. Usually, that happens after they noticed it was wrong and they changed.
Your way of handling things are fine.. i just posted what works for me. I have 3 boys and they all are wonderful kids. My oldest rec'vd a scholarship to a private school not just based on his grades but his character!! All my kids have some sort of certificate or recognition for their positive characteristics - including my younger one whom I had a problem with almost a year ago. I just don't pull this out of my behind I lived it!!!
Talking generally begins in the 18 month to 2 year window. Tantrums begin in the 2nd year (hence, the name "terrible twos") and going into the 3rd year is perfectly normal. So it's not accurate to say tantrums start by the time a child can talk. Actually that's when they begin.
Not necessarily. My kids tantrums started around 18mo and they were both late talkers. So as soon as they could put sentences together the tantrums got better. My ds still has them but fortunately his tantrums are quiet. He throws himself on the floor and cries but doesn't scream like my dd did.
Quote:
Originally Posted by rhawkins74
Let them call th police. There is nothing the police can do about it.
Something missing in the replies here is the developmental stages of children. All children go through the same stages just not at the same time nor at the same level nor with the same reactions.
All children will have times of frustration or anger, for instance. Child A will scream about it. Child B wants mom to make it right. Child C retreats to a quiet place. Child D shrugs it off and moves on to something else. Child E stays with it until they get it figured out. They are all frustrated or angry and they all have had reactions to that feeling. So, while many don't have tantrums, they do indeed still feel those emotions like everyone else.
A 3 yr old child is on the cusp of independence, some are closer than others. Their body is growing, their mind is growing and their emotions are expanding past the basics. They aren't babies anymore yet they don't have the understanding of social norms either. Potty training is part of their life either actively or just recently. Interactive play with others now comes into focus instead of playing alongside others. They are more and more responsible for themselves in dressing, feeding, cleaning and entertaining. They are often changing sleep habits, perhaps getting less naps or even skipping them. Of course there is always the communication abilities that can become quite an obstacle. Some children embrace all this change with open arms, some with trepidation, some with defiance and some with caution.
So thinking about all the different things mentioned, remember that each child is also a mixture of all those things and not one simple type. A 3 yr old might insist on completely dressing themselves at age 3, but not even attempt potty training. Another 3 yr old might insist on opening the doors when leaving, but not want to play by themselves.
The key to helping them deal with their individual emotional reactions and learn about social norms at the same time is to get to know them better than they know themselves. More often than not, a parent who truly knows their child will know or be able to figure out what set off a tantrum. They will know if their child is tired, hungry, impatient, wanting attention, intolerant, wants control, feeling sick, jealous, scared or over stimulated.
If sleeping patterns have taken a change, then perhaps a child be should be taken shopping only in the morning hours.
If a child isn't eating well, then perhaps a shopping trip should include a snack they can sit in the basket and eat while they go.
If a child is feeling lack of attention due to younger sibling, then perhaps the older child can be given shopping tasks to make them more of a focus.
If a child is wanting control, then perhaps they get a child sized basket to push or get to put things in the basket and hand over the coupons/payment.
If a child is feeling sick, impatient, intolerant or scared, then perhaps they need to stay home for a few months until they grow more patient, tolerant and mature while mom shops.
Best advice is to be understanding (I know you are angry and that's ok, but it's not okay to scream), take preventative steps (make sure they are fed, rested and ready), be clear and firm on expectations (mommy expects you to use your words nicely and to do what mommy says), follow through on natural consequences (if you scream we have to leave) and understand that tomorrow may be a new day(maybe we can try this again).
At 3 they will not easily associate their behavior at a store with things like not being able to watch a movie or being put in time out. They will better understand that we had to leave because I screamed or that I cannot go this time because I screamed last time. Love and Logic. "I'm so sorry that you can't go with me because you chose to scream last time instead of using your calm words. Maybe next time you will make a better choice."
There's always a reason for a tantrum. If it's not something already mentioned then other things can be considered. Habit. It works. Allergies. Developmental delays. Stress. Physical issues. That just means you have to dig deeper to find the cause.
Another thing that I've noticed with dd is that about every 6 months or so she goes through a rough patch. From what I understand it's know as a period of disequilibrium that children go through as they make developmental leaps. During these phases she goes back and forth between wanting to be baby-like and wanting to be more independent. I call it a push me pull me phase. There are always a lot of tantrums during these phases but when they end she seems to have made a developmental leap.
Growth occurs in waves. At each major developmental stage, children work through certain issues and tasks. There are natural ups-and-downs as children master these new skills. It is necessary for children to go through a temporary period of imbalance before moving to a new level. If they didn’t do this, they would have to immediately jump from one developmental stage to the next, with no transition period. This would be unnatural. Children often step back and regroup between their great spurts of learning. In the early years, these difficult periods often come at approximately six-month intervals, but even this time frame is not a hard and fast rule.
If things are going smoothly and suddenly our children’s behavior takes a downward dive, we want to consider what is happening with them developmentally. If we can’t identify any traumas or mistakes we are making, there is a good possibility that these children are getting ready to make a developmental leap and are entering this transition period. Many parents are concerned about these regressions, when children revert to old, outgrown habits. It is particularly helpful, during these times, to review literature about the developmental issues children face at that age. (The Parent’s Toolshop summarizes all the developmental stages children go through.)
Yes, agreed completely. When people suggest that we just take our daughter to her room and let her have her fit there, I'm not sure they understand that a) Picking our daughter up while she is having a fit and carrying her upstairs is challenging, at best, and makes her so much more upset and b) She won't stay in her room. She'll immediately come running out and scream louder and louder.
Anyway, I do appreciate all of the suggestions, definitely some things that I found very helpful.
Quote:
Originally Posted by nuala
I know posters mean well, and I would agree where my daughter is concerned - regarding food, and the tantrum taming tactics. It does get frustrating though when people are not realizing that children may be wired differently from your average child.
To give a parallel, let's say you have an OCD person in your family. He needs to turn the tap on and off 6 times before he washes his hands. The well-meaning suggestions about how to *cure* the 6 times on-off coming from a perspective of parents with children who don't have that habit, or only know how to cure that with warning or stern warning.
It's easier to imagine letting the OCD person have it his way. It's harder, (and I do understand) to imagine letting some toddler behavior (tantrums or food refusal) be as well. Because the very same behaviors happen in average toddlers, we all know the average common sense of dealing with them.
There have been several posts with well meaning people, wondering, -
why an angry child at school being gently soothed instead of punished?
why do you let your child scream for 30 min in a store without smacking her backside?
why do you let a child eat processed foods instead of putting a healthy plate in front of her?
Well, to answer all these questions, why, think of them as forcing OCD people to turn the tap on only once, - or as forcing depressed people to be cheerful.
Please step back a bit when the parent indicates that the child has problems. Please realize that you may have NO idea what you are talking about.
Yes, agreed completely. When people suggest that we just take our daughter to her room and let her have her fit there, I'm not sure they understand that a) Picking our daughter up while she is having a fit and carrying her upstairs is challenging, at best, and makes her so much more upset and b) She won't stay in her room. She'll immediately come running out and scream louder and louder.
Anyway, I do appreciate all of the suggestions, definitely some things that I found very helpful.
Exactly why you do it even if you have to keep doing it. By allowing her to have her fits downstairs in front of everyone, she is learning that the louder, more upset and more violently kicking and screaming she does, she gets her way. As calmly as possible (no yelling by you) take her upstairs and shut the door. Sit outside her door if she comes out then put her back in and shut the door. Lather, rinse, repeat as necessary.
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. I have 3 boys and they all are wonderful kids. My oldest rec'vd a scholarship to a private school not just based on his grades but his character!! All my kids have some sort of certificate or recognition for their positive characteristics - including my younger one whom I had a problem with almost a year ago. I just don't pull this out of my behind I lived it!!!
