15yo smoking, need advice (punish, allowance, parents, son)
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I've posted on here before about my 15, almost 16yo.
Yesterday I found some cigarettes in his room. (Yes I snoop around his room. The way I look at it is that while he is a minor and living in my house, then I am responsible for what he is doing.)
Anyway, I haven't said anything to him about it yet, I just threw them away. Later yesterday afternoon he went out for a walk. When he came back he went right into the shower which is unusual for him. This morning when I went into his room it smelled like cigarettes. So I'm guessing he is smoking.
What I want to know is: how should I handle this? My biggest problem with him is that he is VERY defiant. We've talked about the dangers of smoking and he knows how I feel about it. Just the fact that I don't want him to smoke will be incentive enough for him to do it. I think he just thinks it is "cool". I could very well tell him that I won't allow it, but, that is not very realistic. He could obviously do it at a friends house or somewhere else. Also, theoretically, he will have his license by the end of the year so he could just do it anywhere.
I am fairly certain he is getting the cigarettes from his friends. No one in our immediate or extended family smoke.
I know there is worse things he could be doing, but I find smoking beyond disgusting.
Depends on if you want to work with him or against him.
You know he is defiant and will smoke simply because you don't want him to. So do you want to have a war of wills, or do you want to take all the fun out of it for him?
A. War of wills. He if smokes, smells like smoke, you discover cigarettes or any suspicion of his smoking, his license gets delayed six months. Every offense. Ouch, Mamon just dropped a tactical nuke!
B. "Son, I can't stop you from smoking. They're your lungs. I would prefer you take care of them. However, you will not smoke in my house, cars or property. Other than that, it's your cancer." And then drop it. You'll take away one of the main reasons for his smoking, because you want to stop him. Now, this will probably *not* make him stop smoking. But it may alleviate one source of conflict and show him that the responsibility for his decisions, even bad decisions, are his to own.
Yesterday I found some cigarettes in his room. (Yes I snoop around his room. The way I look at it is that while he is a minor and living in my house, then I am responsible for what he is doing.)
What I want to know is: how should I handle this? My biggest problem with him is that he is VERY defiant. We've talked about the dangers of smoking and he knows how I feel about it. Just the fact that I don't want him to smoke will be incentive enough for him to do it. I think he just thinks it is "cool". I could very well tell him that I won't allow it, but, that is not very realistic. He could obviously do it at a friends house or somewhere else. Also, theoretically, he will have his license by the end of the year so he could just do it anywhere.
I know there is worse things he could be doing, but I find smoking beyond disgusting.
You're not snooping, you're checking up on him. Good. Continue doing that.
About all you can do is ban him from smoking in the house/on your property. If you find out he's smoking somewhere else, punish him in some way.
He'll only have his license if you allow him to. Doesn't sound like he deserves it.
It is just amazing at the stupidity of youth today !!
Possibly a trip to the hospital to visit smokers that have had cancer and have had their voicebox removed.
Then we can say this about generations in past too right? I mean they smoked right? and a lot of course! Of course we know more dangers of it now, but it doesn't affect everyone the same way. There are other toxins and dangerous stuff we breathe on a daily basis that I would be concerned about.
Now a 15 year old, yes it is young and unfortunately if he's smoking now, he will smoke somewhere regardless of near home or not. This is something that you can not prevent. I would just educate him the best way possible. I would follow what scarmad said in "b".
As a smoker, I wouldn't cause conflict with your son, it will just make him more defiant. I've been smoking since I was 14 or 15, I know it isn't good but it's one of the very few vices I have.
Dad used to smoke and he caught me lighting up in our garage when I was 16, he forced me to smoke down an entire carton in an afternoon. I ended up getting sick after pack 6 or 7 and instead of throwing away the rest of the packs, he ended up smoking the ones left over that week and actually got addicted again for another year or two before he quit for good. Kind of backfired didn't it?
It's pretty much impossible to tell a teen to not do something, so you are in a tough spot.
The only advice that i could give is for you to tell him that the laws regarding cigarette smoking have become quite stringent in the last decade. More importantly, and not mentioned by anti-tobacco campaigns, I'd tell him to ask some smokers the following questions:
1. Do you feel as though there is a witchhunt being perpetrated against you by the general public? The majority will tell him, yes.
2. Do you feel that it is likely that cigs will be banned completely within 40 years? The majority will tell him, good luck if you become addicted, because it will be banned before the end of your lifetime.
3. Is it more difficult to find a partner when you smoke? We'll tell him, the pool of people that don't mind kissing an ashtray is getting smaller and smaller each day. And at his young age, that means he won't be getting any.
I agree with Scarmig. In addition, I would print off some photos of people who have had oral cancer and put them in on his bed. Not say anything, just put them on his bed. Give him something to think about.
How can he even afford cigarettes at that age? They are very expensive these days.
I started smoking when I was 15, too. Nasty habit, and of course my parents quickly noticed and began snooping through my things, which of course made me defiant. They were extremely strict, not just about cigarettes, but about everything in my life, and we had a terrible relationship for many, many years. (I've actually never forgiven them for it, although of course it went well beyond just their snooping through my things)
I think you'd have better success trying to reason with your son, and educate him, instead of making it a bitter battle. And of course, you could limit his allowance, and limit the amount of time your son drives, or even delay allowing him to get his driver's permit if he continues to smoke. I certainly wouldn't make it easy for him, but there should be some consequences.
(And I just want to add that I did get addicted, and smoked for 10 years. Then I had the presence of mind to quit, and haven't smoked in over 20. I don't miss it at all, I can't stand the smell now)
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