Daughter Afraid to Drive (teenager, weigh, insurance, boyfriend)
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I have a friend that's 24 and doesn't drive yet. I'm not really sure why she doesn't. She's been talking about getting her license the lasy two years, but not yet! I really think mom and dad aren't pushing her enough to do it. And I think once she does she really see her indepence and wonder why she didn't do it before now.
push her to do it and remind her your not her personal taxi.
If she's 24 what business is it of her parents whether she drives or not?
I'm in my 30s, and many of my friends from high school waited until they were in their 20s before driving. My dad didn't get his license until his late 20s, and my mom never had a license while I was growing up. I don't know if there's any major change in numbers of people getting their license, although I suppose some of this depends on where one lives; it has been possible everywhere I've lived to get around without a car.
And as far as independence, I'm surprised at the number of people out there who don't know how to get around by public transportation: learning how to use public transit, even if only on vacations, is just as important for independence as is driving. I don't think the focus should be on driving or not driving, but rather on how to learn how to get yourself around on your own, whatever mode that may be.
I was like your daughter- HATED driving. One of the most appealing factors of my college was that it guaranteed dorms for four years. After that, I moved to Manchester, UK, which has a very extensive bus system, and then I moved to NYC. I've managed to avoid driving this far and I intend to for many years to come.
I know if I ever moved home, I'd have to drive, so I have consciously made the decision to live in places with good public transportation. It works just fine for me.
She can move here when she goes to college - lots of people get around without cars because our town (Eugene, OR) is just the right size, is very walkable and bikeable (with really great bike trails) and also has a good bus system.
Seriously, though, it's her life. So long as she realizes that you and her daddy are not going to continue carting her around forever (maybe give her a personal driver service cut-off date, at which point she's on her own as far as transportation goes?) then you've done your job as a parent. You can encourage and guide and support all you want, and maybe she'll come around, but it's her life.
Lots of people get around without driving. I didn't get my license and start driving until I was almost 20, and this was in a big city where it wasn't very easy to get by for most people without having a car. The only reason I finally changed my mind about driving was because my husband and I had our first baby on the way, and I felt it was important with kids to be able to drive and have a license and all of that in case of an emergency. When it was just me - no kiddos to be responsible for - I was totally OK walking, riding my bike, or taking the bus.
If she wants to drive, but it's her fear keeping her from it, then just take baby steps. Or, find a good driving teacher to help her overcome her fear (but that can be costly). Let her get comfortable just sitting in the driver seat. Then let her get comfortable just starting it up, and with all the controls. Just take it slow.
My daughter is 23 and doesn't drive. Her brain is just not wired that way.
She lives in a larger city with public transportation.
I tell her she will just have to earn enough money to hire a driver and car someday. Since she graduated with honors and is working on her PhD it looks like she is taking my advice.
David Sedaris is another adult non-driver. It doesn't seem to have hurt his career.
I don't think "driving" and "success" go hand in hand. Plenty of stupid and broke people drive cars.
Let her be. If and when she wants to drive a car, she will. Until then she has her feet and (hopefully?) a bicycle. If nothing else the exercise will keep her from gaining those "freshman 15".
If she's 24 what business is it of her parents whether she drives or not?
I'm in my 30s, and many of my friends from high school waited until they were in their 20s before driving. My dad didn't get his license until his late 20s, and my mom never had a license while I was growing up. I don't know if there's any major change in numbers of people getting their license, although I suppose some of this depends on where one lives; it has been possible everywhere I've lived to get around without a car.
And as far as independence, I'm surprised at the number of people out there who don't know how to get around by public transportation: learning how to use public transit, even if only on vacations, is just as important for independence as is driving. I don't think the focus should be on driving or not driving, but rather on how to learn how to get yourself around on your own, whatever mode that may be.
Your experiences are different because you live in a city that has excellent public transportation. Life in other cities aren't anything like where you live when it comes to getting around. Public transit isn't a good way to get anywhere in many cities. A 15 minute car ride can take 2 hours via public transportation. And there are many places you simply can't get to at all. I'm a bit surprised someone who lives in NYC isn't aware that the rest of the country isn't like NYC.
My daughter is 23 and doesn't drive. Her brain is just not wired that way.
She lives in a larger city with public transportation.
I tell her she will just have to earn enough money to hire a driver and car someday. Since she graduated with honors and is working on her PhD it looks like she is taking my advice.
David Sedaris is another adult non-driver. It doesn't seem to have hurt his career.
I don't think "driving" and "success" go hand in hand. Plenty of stupid and broke people drive cars.
Let her be. If and when she wants to drive a car, she will. Until then she has her feet and (hopefully?) a bicycle. If nothing else the exercise will keep her from gaining those "freshman 15".
I think you're missing the fact that the OP's child needs to drive in order to attend college. There are people who live in rural areas that don't have public transportation. Should the mother take hours out of her day to drive her daughter to and from college everyday? What if they mother has a full time job? Many people aren't realizing that having a license is a necessity in some families and circumstances. The OP's daughter is heading to community college---she's not bound for a campus atmopshere where she can live in dorms and not have a car. She needs to commute to community college while living at home and a bus and bicycle aren't realistic options for the OP because the community college is too far away.
Maybe she has a real phobia, like fear of flying, that could be corrected by a few sessions with a psychologist who specializes in this.
You need to insist that she fix it, because you don't want her making a habit of giving in to her fears.
My DD will be 18 years old next month. We live in a state where you can drive at 15, but she refuses to drive. For most of her life she's been pretty fearless, in fact has scared me on various occasions with her risks. But for the last couple of years she's grown reluctant to do things she deems dangerous. Even though we live in a semi-rural town where she would not be subjected to lots of traffic, she's convinced if she drives she'll have an accident and kill herself.
She'll be graduating high school this year and it will be impossible for her to go to college or work at a job without a drivers' license. DH tells her she needs to just pass the written test and get her permit and then she can or cannot drive. He thinks she will want to drive a little and will eventually work up her courage. I'm baffled, this is so unlike her.
Any advice or suggestions?
I was scared out of my mind to learn how to drive too.
I didn't start driving til 20.
Your experiences are different because you live in a city that has excellent public transportation. Life in other cities aren't anything like where you live when it comes to getting around. Public transit isn't a good way to get anywhere in many cities. A 15 minute car ride can take 2 hours via public transportation. And there are many places you simply can't get to at all. I'm a bit surprised someone who lives in NYC isn't aware that the rest of the country isn't like NYC.
I realize my experiences are different (don't live in NYC, by the way, if you're talking about me); the point is that if this girl doesn't want to learn to drive that it should be up to HER, not her parents, to figure out an alternative. It can be (a) figure out another way to get to school (biking, walking, paying someone to drive her), (b) get her license, (c) go somewhere else for school, or (d) move somewhere closer to the school (and walkable). It's not her parent's problem. They can and should be supportive and help her figure out what she's going to do, but ultimately it's her choice whether or not she wants to drive. They can just make clear that it's her responsibility to figure something out, and obviously that solution does not involve having her parents serve as taxi cabs. If she wants to walk an hour each way to school, for example, that's her time and her decision, and doesn't have an impact on anyone else.
Some people DO live in communities where they absolutely have to drive; if that's this girl's situation then she can either learn to drive or go elsewhere. A college student is an adult, so that is her decision and her responsibility.
My daughter was the same way. In fact, she was 20 before she got her driver's license. She took drivers' ed when she was 16, but simply did NOT want to drive.....she was afraid. For school activities, she always had other people who drove, but did not do any running around, and seriously felt no need to get her license. Honestly, one of her greatest fears was this; so many of her friends were good kids, didn't party, didn't get wild, until they got their licences. She was so afraid that she would not be able to resist "temptation", if she got her license. It was my duty, as a mom, to stand by her decisions and respect her. She was never a bother and never expected her dad and I to taxi her everywhere, unless we were already gong.
When she first started going to college, I was also attending and she rode with me. Eventually, she did make the decision to get her license, but it had everything to do with the fact that our classes were no longer coinciding and I let her know that it was going to be the bus, or find someone else to help with gas and ride with.
If she is constantly bothering you for rides, cracking down and making her ride the bus might work. However, think about it this way....once your child starts driving on their own, you have a whole lot of different worries headed your way. To this day, if one of my kids leaves the house, an ambulance goes by shortly after, I'm sweating. If they're supposed to be home at 5 pm. and it's 5:40 pm, believe me, I'm worrying...LOL
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