Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
What if it isn't about your cousins at all? What if your aunt has decided to give and they are all obliging her. What if the aunt could not do when they were younger and is trying to make up for it now? Maybe they all tried to say, or at least most tried to say, and one had their hands out, no, I don't need it. Do you know for a fact this has not happened? We don't.
The odds are, in this type of scenario, that there are all kinds of signs that you had since they were children, of what they are all about. We don't know anything. I dislike these types of things. All answers are wrong because the rest of us are not privy to the family dynamics.
As it stands, if it did not harm anyone in that give and take thing except those that gave and took, not my problem.
Edited for: I think the above line came out harsher then intended. I come from an extremely large family and it is always in my best interest to make it not my problem when it isn't.
As someone in their 40's, I am still amazed at the number of people who accept "handouts" from their parents at this age.
I could go on, forever, about this & have a family member who does this & enabling family members who allow it. I told my dh the next time we go to visit this family (unfortunately not a choice not to go), I need to be strongly medicated and my mouth wired shut. I just can't take seeing and hearing what I do in relation to the handouts.
I also feel that moms who keep having children and let their moms come in and take on parenting once the "dress up dolly stage" honeymoom period of having a baby is over is beyond pathetic & wrong. And to allow the grandparents to pick up the dime on the kids well into their teenage years "just b/c".
I gotta stop writing b/c I already feel my blood pressure rising
These are unhealthy and toxic relationships that need intervention and/or counseling. But, usually family members in these situations don't see nor want to see, just how unhealthy the situation is...and when grandchildren get dragged into it...oh, it infuriates me to no end.
A friend of mine told me recently that when she became an adult, her family completely considered her to now be independent in all ways. She married a manwhose family was well off enough to send them checks yearly for no reason at all. She used to think that was just wonderful because she'd never had it. Upon reflection, she is thankful that her parents allowed her to become self-sufficient and independent.
I see this as a parent failing to raise their children properly. Sounds harsh? Too bad.
Part of the job of the parent is to teach their children to be responsible adults. To continually hand things over to them isn't doing that.
Following my parents example, I provided the necessities for my children..along with the love, hugs and kisses (that thown in for those that like to pick apart posts). I also gave them an age appropriate allowance. If they wanted something that exceded that amount they had to either save for it or work extra chores for the $$.
As adults I have had to shell out a whopping $100.00 to help them in a jam.
I've got no respect for those who feed off their parents as adults not for the parents who enable them.
Now that being said...if they got in a bind not of their making of course I would help them out.
I think that sounds like a different situation all together. Of course in extreme situations, family is there to help you out....My DH was laid off a few years ago, my family of course let us know they were there to help if needed. Fortunately we got through it on our own but I knew that was an option (ie I would have accepted help rather than lose the house etc)....Glad it all worked out.
My parents also said they are there if we have trouble with our house payments, but as long as both my wife and I are working, I think we will be all right.
There are several different situations begin discussed on here. Parents and grandparents sometimes like to help. My grandma used to take my mom shopping for an occasional dress when I was a kid. My parents and in-laws buy my kids clothes occasionally. My mom never "depended" on the help from her mom, and I don't "depend" on the help from my parents. It is just something they want to do.
Helping when the adult kids "needs" it can be ok, but can almost be worse than my above examples. I know of people who have lost a job, or whatever, and their parents, IMO enable them to stay unemployed by giving so much financial help.
I have posted about this before and don't want to sound like a broken record... but yeah... my ex in-laws completely support my ex husband. He is 49 years old!!
When we split, he moved back "home". He has issues. Depression, alcoholism. I didn't have an issue with the idea of them helping him get situated back in their city, but that was six years ago. They moved him into his own apartment (vs. living in their house with them), he works temp jobs and that's it. They pay for his place, cable, internet, everything. Doctor bills and meds too (no insurance, just full private pay). Oh, and dental work to the tune of about 15k! In the few discussions we've had about it they defend it all because he is "sick". Oh and he hasn't paid child support in years either, obviously... and IMO if they would practice some tough love here he would be a better father as a result... but they don't agree, so whatever.
I don't know why they can't see that by supporting him (and in a very comfortable way), they are enabling him. Why on earth would he ever want to find a full time job again?
It's sad, really. My mom has helped me out, in tough times, and I have paid her back EVERY penny, EVERY time.
Of course that's another issue entirely. My mom is one of those people, well, let's just say you do NOT want her to have anything to hold over your head. She can't even give a gift without strings attached. It's always a method of control for her so I really don't like to go there with her and have only done so when absolutely necessary. She recently offered to give my son (17) a car she has and isn't driving. He asked me if he "had to" take it... he knows all about how gifts from Grandma turn into big headaches and obligations. He's decided to just keep saving up to buy something himself, on his own!
Of course that's another issue entirely. My mom is one of those people, well, let's just say you do NOT want her to have anything to hold over your head. She can't even give a gift without strings attached. It's always a method of control for her so I really don't like to go there with her and have only done so when absolutely necessary. She recently offered to give my son (17) a car she has and isn't driving. He asked me if he "had to" take it... he knows all about how gifts from Grandma turn into big headaches and obligations. He's decided to just keep saving up to buy something himself, on his own!
My MIL is like this. My husband crashed one of our cars and my MIL sent us a check for $4,000. Wow, right? Wrong, it was a nightmare. We never, ever asked for money or even advice. If fact, my husband put off telling her about the car because he was afraid of this exact outcome. She wanted us to spend it as a downpayment on a newer used car. Of course it didn't say that on the note she mailed with it. When we explained that we weren't going to go into debt when we had another baby on the way and my husband was working seasonal, she got absolutely pissed off at us. I wanted to return the check as soon as we got it but Hubby said that would just make it worse.
So like I said, I don't want any handouts from our parents...but it is frustrating to see my sister continually blow her paycheck and have my parents bail her out over and over. I mean, how hard is it to budget money for your daughter's Christmas present and buy within that budget??? It is especially frustrating since we were in her income bracket for years without having her issues. We aren't talking special outfits the grandparents are buying, or dinners or small toys when they come to visit--it is total support of normal family budget items.
I don't know about other families, but I do know that my parents do it because they feel bad that because my niece doesn't have an involved father. I'm betting they are not alone in their reasoning.
My family (parents, siblings, kids, grankids) have talked about this kind of thing forever. Everyone wants to help everyone out, and we do. It's a good feeling to know that you will never be homeless or go hungry and will always have someone to help take care of things if something bad happens. We retain our independence while acknowledging that we really do depend on each other and don't have a problem with that.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
