What to do when your husband isn't a good parent? (pregnant, children)

[sandycat]

Originally Posted by Jane72

I think you should leave him.
Actually, I think you should've left him a long time ago.

How lame is that? Either you haven't ever been married, or you just have a flippant view on divorce. Whichever the case, it's silly and wrong.

To the OP, keep working at your marriage. It can be tough, a true battlefield at times, and only you and your husband truly know if it's worth saving. I suspect it is.

[Sundance]

My husband works very hard. He works full days on the rail road and then comes home and works the family farm. He provides well and is always planning ahead for our four children's financial needs. He shows his love through his work.

You don't "show your love through your work," many single people are workaholics and work long hours. You show your love by the way you
treat others, and being kind.

When it comes to parenting, the down and dirty day to day life, he just doesn't cut it though.
He has his pet peives and if those pets were real animals, they would be raging lions and screaming tigers! He hurls irritation around like platter paint when he is triggered and he has NO issue with where it hits. He wants the entire household to know he is upset when he is.

Sounds like the tantrum of a two-year-old. In other words, "I'm upset and YOU'RE responsible, so fix it or feel guilty." He's not taking
responsibility for his own behavior. He's trying to fob it off on you and the kids. He isn't being a man.

I put my foot down when it comes to his tantrums. I will not allow him to frustrate himself in my direction. It is harder with the children. I know this should seem like a cut and dry issue to some people. Protect the children. But how does a woman do this? He does love them.

How do you know?

He does so much for them.

Providing for them financially isn't a license for verbal and emotional abuse.

But when it comes to his irritation he has zero sensitivity to how he is making them feel.
OUr oldest child left the phone off the hook last night and it went dead. Meaning when the phone does ring, it only rings up stairs and one has to RUN to get to it in time. This has happened a few times. And he had enough last night. He threw a tantrum on her and asked her if she had had the phone earlier. She lied. (Something she does not do with me.) She lied because she is afriad of his anger and made the hasty decision to "try to run from it". He caught her in it by checking the memory on the phone and finding her best friend's number last in the bank. He hates lying.

He hates lying? But he doesn't mind screaming and being hateful to his kids? Selective morality. Oh, and since he "hates lying," you
should also point out the fact that he is LYING TO HIMSELF, if he thinks his behavior is being a good father!

She knows this. But I feel he is responisble for her lying as much as she is.

I agree.

I try to explain to him that the children and I have an entirely different relationship. They generally will not lie to me...because I have a completely different approach with them. They know I do not tolerate lying, AND they know that telling the truth will immediatly receive a greater chance at reprieve if they tell the truth up front. When they admit fault, I explain...not rage...my irriation over what ever issue is in front of us.

You are behaving like an adult.

He does not have control, nor feel a need to control his.

Your husband is behaving like a toddler.
He feels I undermine him.

The word is not "undermine," you are refusing to enable his destructive behavior, because you are their mother. You should NOT support
your husband in his dysfunctional behaviors.

I feel he gives me no choice. He feels disrespected.

He feels disrespected, because he's acting like an out-of-control idiot. Why SHOULD you respect that?

Iknow he has little respect for their feelings when such situations arise.

That is a huge problem, right there - you claim he loves them, why doesn't he care?

I am a holistic parent....every member of the family counts. He is of the old school mentality, where the adults come first.
She ran away last night and hid behind our shed. He was so upset with her and I, that he wasn't going to look for her. I was forced to get involved by pushing on him the need to look for her. She didn't come out to his calling and night was falling. So I had to go out to. I found her when she let her presence be known by sniffling in my vicinity. She was crying. She felt horrible that she had lied. She said she didn't like who she was becoming...a person who lies. Well, now I was upset! This is too much feeling for what should have been a simple daily irritation! I had to tell our daughter that when it comes to his behavior, unforcunately...she is unable to care about it. It felt awful to say, but the truth is, I told her some people we have to just let go of when they are acting unreasonable. We can not let their crap become OUR crap. He found us, and he started to put in his two cents, which was still heated with anger...and I told him heatedly myself....that he has already made her aware of his feelings and she doesn't need to hear it again. He stormed off. And she and I discussed her wounded self esteem. Again I told her, yes, we do not condone lying in this house. But we also do not condone ranting and raging. You see my dilema? How can I respect their father and the children at the same time? He is angry with me today, because I undermine him. Sigh....how do I get him to see he needs to grow up and see who he is hurting?

You are not undermining him - believe it or not, everything ISN'T ABOUT HIM. No offense but he sounds very immature. Your daughter
sounds more mature than he does!

I would NOT stand by, while he does this to my child. Sit him down, and explain that his childish, selfish behavior is not acceptable, and
that things need to change - he needs to see a counsellor, or someone who can explain that his children don't need to pay for his inability to control himself. Sorry but I absolutely would NOT put up with this much longer. This is emotional abuse to the children and I would NOT stand for it! Do something, before your daughter grows up and marries an ABUSER, because that is what she saw at home! JMHO

[Norskejenta]

33458...a special thanks to you.
What is nice about this format...is that no one hear knows me or loves me. That way nothing is bias. It is harder to get that from friends and family...they see you first in most every situation. Thank you again for seeing me...the faults to...and letting me know. You are all a gift. Thank you.

[NCyank]

It seems like you guys had a good talk, both recognizing where you can work to improve things. Big changes don't usually happen overnight but as long as you are both making progress you are headed in the right direction.

At some point you might want to have a family meeting to reaffirm your commitments to the family, to lay down new ground rules (dad won't bite your head off for no good reason but lying will not be tolerated....stuff like that), to let them know you both will be working to improve your relationship with each other and the kids but that you and your DH will be on the same team from now on. It would be good to set some goals for the entire family to work on as well. Good luck!!

[Norskejenta]

Originally Posted by NCyank

It seems like you guys had a good talk, both recognizing where you can work to improve things. Big changes don't usually happen overnight but as long as you are both making progress you are headed in the right direction.

At some point you might want to have a family meeting to reaffirm your commitments to the family, to lay down new ground rules (dad won't bite your head off for no good reason but lying will not be tolerated....stuff like that), to let them know you both will be working to improve your relationship with each other and the kids but that you and your DH will be on the same team from now on. It would be good to set some goals for the entire family to work on as well. Good luck!!

good insight and suggestions....thank you....

[sandycat]

Even if you can't convince him to go to therapy with you, going without him will help your marriage. Because what I learned is that if I changed my part of the script, HE would have to change his part of the script, since his lines no longer work. Make sense? It was hard, annoyingly hard at first, but we are enjoying a better marriage because of it. And unfortunately, men don't always take responsiblity, that's just the way it is, but it isn't worth divorcing him over. Kinda like that Ghandi saying, Be the change you want to see in the world (or in your marriage) in this case.

[Marlow]

^^ Agree totally with Sandycat.

Sounds like your husband is still grieving the loss of his brother, is bitter about his father and his sister-in-law and is still trying to make his place in their family. He works his tail off, probably so he doesn't have to think about it, but it all bubbles up when he comes home. (It's always going to bubble up at some point, isn't it?)

I'm glad you had the heart-to-heart and he heard what you have to say. But it will probably take at least a lot more talking on both of your parts, and some counseling for both of you, or just you if he won't agree to go.

Good luck. You sound like a very strong, loving, wife and mother.

[charz]

Originally Posted by Norskejenta

She felt horrible that she had lied. She said she didn't like who she was becoming...a person who lies.

Your daughter sounds like me. I grew up lying because it was better to risk it than deal with my dad's rage and violence. In my 20's, I lied about everything--even useless things that didn't matter. I finally taught myself to tell the truth when I realized that co-workers hated being lied to. Talk to your husband when he is calm. It's better for you to deal with it now than your daughter to deal with it in therapy 20 years from now. I still wonder why my mom didn't come to my defense more often. You should defend her--she's your daughter.

[Jane72]

Originally Posted by sandycat

How lame is that? Either you haven't ever been married, or you just have a flippant view on divorce. Whichever the case, it's silly and wrong.

I know plenty about marriage.
I've been married twice.
In fact, there's never been a time in my entire adult life that I wasn't married.
But there's also never been a time when my son wasn't my highest priority.
I would leave a man in a heartbeat if he was treating my child this way.
I consider it abusive.
So, that's what that is. If the OP disagrees that her husband's behavior toward her children is abusive, then I'm not surprised she's still with him.
But I imagine, deep down, she knows the situation is fairly dysfunctional and going nowhere good.

[stormy night]

His behavior and the family's reaction is a constant cycle. Someone has to break the cycle before things get better. Since the kids are primarily under the mother's care, they can be easily influenced to react in a more positive way. The mother can control her reactions in a more positive way, and that will bring around the father/husband.

Once he realizes that he won't be met with constant negativity and defensiveness, his behavior will change to match the tone the mother has set in the house.