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I am amazed at the number of people who come on here assaulting other posters and intimating or saying that they are bad parents for doing or allowing one thing or another. Children do not come with instrucitons books and there is no manual for raising the perfect child. Every kid is different. Further, a parent may contribute to raising a "perfect " child at age 10 only to discover that they planted the seeds for a real cretin at age 18 due to the things that they did to compel the age 10 "perfection"
While people can give advice, make suggestions, or describe what worked for their particular child or children, it is extremely arrogant to come in here and say or intimate that someone is a bad parent becuase they do something different or see things differently. It is not only arrogant, but usually completely wrong. There is no "right" way to raise a child. There is no "right" answer. There are some obviously wrong things (like beating children in anger, or completely ignoring a child), but there is nothing to say that one persons "right" way is not the absolute wrong thing for other kids.
There are books on parenting, but they are not really useful. Some of the techniques may work some of the times for some children, but they are not consistent. Some of the things that the "experts" opine, to me, are stupid. Some of the "experts" do not have any kids or have really messed up kids.
It is also funny when people insist that they know the only correct way to raise their children, when they do not even know hte long term effects of their parenting. Is laissez fair parenting going to result in a child going completely wild by college age? Make them suicidal? Is strict parenting going to result in extreme rebellion? Cause lack of self esteem or suppress creativity? No one knows. It depends on the child. Some of the things that my parents did that messed up my siblings, made me stronger. Things that messed me up may have been beneficial for my siblings. In many cases, you may never know.
Many times the "bad parent" accusations is just a case of someone trying to impose their values on others. Persoanlly I believe that people should LIVE not cower in fear. I encourage my kids to take risks and enjoy life. Some people would say that is crazy and bad parenting. Maybe it is for them, and their children and what they want their children to be encouraged to be in life. It is not for me and my children and my values and goals. (My philosophy is that if something happens to one of my kids becasue they take a risk, that is bad and unfortunate, but, to me, less unfortunate than if they never really get around to living their lives becuase they are too busy avoiding risks or danger of any kind. To other people, their children should be completely protected and never exposed to any kind of threat, risk or danger whatsoever. Who is right? We both are.).
With a few exceptions, I see it as utterly absurd to say that someone is a bad parent or a particular practice is bad parenting.
Forutnately we all raise children differently, otherwise everyone would be very much the same and we would live in an extremely boring (but very safe) world.
For those of you who get lambasted on here as being a bad parent or making bad parenting decisions. Take it with a grain of salt, The other people posting on here do no know what they are talking about. No one is a perfect parent.
Pretty good post and I agree. Some people need to be smacked upside the head, but for the most part, a lot of bad parenting accusations boil down to differences in values in regards to raising kids. Contrary to the popular myth, what's good for the goose is not always good for the gander.
I've set it several times on here, you need to adapt your parenting to the child and there is no one size fits all. It's great getting advice from others about what worked for them, but ultimately, you need to do what's best for you and yours. What always makes it challenging is that what's best is constantly varying. What works at one age won't work at another similar to how what works on one kid won't work on another even in the same family.
As for people levelling accusations of bad parenting, I wonder how many are bashing people online while ignoring their own kids? Just something to think about.
I agree with much of what you said. While you are parenting, you can't foresee the future and what effects your parenting (or lack of it) will have had. Every child/person is different, with a different personality and disposition, and many people will not be able to comprehend this, but different values . . .
I read some of the "wise" posts from parents on here and think, "Wait till their kids hit their teens, twenties, or even thirties . . ." You have no IDEA what kind of PEOPLE you are "raising." (Not even sure what the word "raising" means anymore . . .it seems to mean "training."
People have innate wisdom and parents are often superfluous to that (a belief I have come to) . . .
I thought I was a "good" parent, but when I did an actual analysis, turned out I was a very flawed human being who made some serious "mistakes" (or things I wish I had not done because they were not in the best interest of my children - at the time I was too selfish and self-absorbed or had some other motivation - but could not clearly see what I was doing or what the effects might be down the line) . . .
The only advice I would offer parents is "wake up." Take a good, long, hard look at yourself. Don't put yourself on a pedestal. Don't treat your children like little robots that you are training to be big robots . . .recognize their humanity and their innate spirituality . . . they don't "belong" to you (Kahil Gibran: "Your children are not your children . . ."
Well...I was an amazing parent. At least according to my (now adult) daughter.
My adult kids have said the same to my husband and me... job very well done!
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Originally Posted by plaidmom
Do I think other parents should raise their kids the exact way I raised my daughter? Heck NO. What I did worked for US. YMMV as they say.
Agree 100%.
All kids are different and require different parenting. The differences between our daughter and our son - same parent, same environment - were startling!
My son paid us the ultimate compliment just before he married...
He said he wanted a marriage just like ours.
He is an amazing man, a good husband and a wonderful father.
So I guess we did something right.
We never read a parenting book either.
We did watch and learn by watching others and molded this knowledge into what would work for us.
Mistakes??? Oh we made plenty!
Little does he know that his Dad and I kinda snicker that he turned out great dispite his parents never growing up.
Some people cover up their insecurities by yelling at other parents on the internet. I don't worry about them.
Yes good post. I think it's good to keep in mind that whatever your child is, he or she inherited a lot of it from the parents so they should know what makes the child tick and know the best way to guide their own children. Also you usually have your kids from conception on, you're the one who has been there from the start and kids will turn out a lot like you even if they think they won't. Just like we all find ourselves saying those things our parents said that we once said we would never say.
And if a child is just like one of our own parents, well we knew them also.
Besides -- in an imperfect world, a world where children will meet up with imperfect teachers, bosses, co-workers, it's okay not to be a perfect parent who never gets angry or makes mistakes. It might be better for kids to learn that if you push people too hard, you get a reaction you don't like. That prepares them better for the real world.
It's all relative. There's certainly things I could be doing more, or better.
Then I go out in public, or read some of the posts on this board (mostly about what the poster saw someone else do), and frankly it makes me feel like I'm being a good father, if only because there are so many out there that are just so damn bad at it.
The really bad parents probably don't post on Parenting forums.
There are books on parenting, but they are not really useful.
I disagree with this. The techniques working is not the point. Too many parents half ass and wing parenting. If you think, study and read it causes new ideas and new thoughts.
While there is no one right "way" when you are looking at the minutia (stroller vs no stroller, leash vs no leash, one bite rule vs clean your plate... there ARE righter ways to look at the big picture.
The big picture includes thinking of things like self esteem. We all know we want our kids to have it, but what does it mean and how do we help support it? If the answer is praise them, well that is more than simplistic, it's ... well wrong. Can your child wind up with good self esteem by chance and good luck? Absolutely. But anything worth doing is worth doing thoughtfully, in my opinion.
Self esteem is just one facet. And there are tons of facets to the big picture. Positive vs authoritarian vs permissive. What is the effect of hormones on brain chemistry and how does it impact behavior?
Do we want or need to become child psychologists in order to raise good kids? No, not at all. But thinking, learning and exploring can only help up get better and better, and that cannot be a bad thing.
I will never understand why people think it makes sense to put education into their line of work but not their parenting, the SINGLE most important thing any of us will ever do.
IMO no one action or lack of action makes a person a "bad parent". People have different strengths and weaknesses. When someone posts a question in this forum it is impossible to know the whole story. There is really no way any of us could know what this person is like IRL, or what the back story is, or if the child has some kind of disability, or any other number of factors that could affect the situation. there are several posters here who are very quick to judge and label, and that is not helpful at all. I'd love to see actual advice given out with more sugar and less vinegar. The posters themselves would be taken more seriously, too, if they were more polite. Is it really a surprise that people don't take "you" seriously when "you" continually put people down for their relatively minor parenting choices, and never offer any real solutions?
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