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I don't know - I couldn't stand my parents and moved out right after high school to join the military and was soon stationed in Europe for 3 years. I never went back to where my parents still live, other than quick visits every year or two. They rarely contacted me in the past 15 years, so we're not close at all. I never really felt close to them as a kid either, but now that I'm a father, I hope my kids don't end up feeling that way about me. They're babies now, but I can't imagine them moving away and being out of my life. It must be difficult.
Shes 18 soon. Why be overbearing? THAT is why she is moving out. And let me guess..there are spats about how the other twin is the desirable one because he is more co-dependent. And if its not said... I'm sure its thought in her head.
Hi, I'm new here and have read a few posts about the teenage drama. Mine wants to move out as soon as she turns 18 next summer. She makes it clear she can't stand it here. I have trouble being nice to her as I am hurt and offended that she finds it so difficult to be a part of our family. She will still have a year of HS and we won't let her leave until after her senior year. By then maybe she will realize how import college is, but in the meantime, she really thinks she's leaving. She thinks being 18 will be her ticket to do as she wishes with no rules of which she really has very few already. Just to check in and be home by a certain time. I have a hard time reacting to her without being as sarcastic and snotty as she is so I try not to be around her or interfer with her as much as possible. She shares nothing with me. She has a better relationship with her dad. Should I continue to try to stay clear unitl she is ready to be more appreciative of all she has?
BTW she has a twin brother who is a homebody, chats, and spends time with us. Just the opposite of our daughter!
Will she really grow up someday and be civil?
Thanks
The only day worse than the day she moves out....is the day she'll be back after she realizes how tough life really is and she is broke. Trust me on this one.
Good for her (the daughter). You have no legal ability nor moral reasons to force her to stay. Independence is a rare and positive trait - you should be proud for her, if she does in fact make it on her own.
The idea that "first you finish high school, then you do to college, then you get a job" is outdated: education needs to be a life-long process. Without a career-oriented mindset, many people waste their college years partying and not really knowing what they want in life. By working and going to school part time she can attain the best of both worlds.
hmmm... there seems to be a real loud resonance of parental CONTROL here. We have wonderful children, who are self driven and goal focused. My daughter moved out recently, is working and paying her own rent, and going to college. Dad was very very hurt by the thought that she no longer wanted to live at home, as was I, but I can understand her reasons. He himself didn't leave the nest til 26, and still relies a great deal on the apron strings. And his mom loves that she still has a great amount of control over him. She makes sure to call us regularly to make sure we went to church.
I'm the parent who wants to let her see if she's able, let her fall down, skin her knees and see how things come out. He, makes it clear that he will NOT support her, says she's not ready to move out because she is not mature enough. Part of the reason she was so anxious to leave was because of the controlling nature of her dad. He means it in love, but displayed it with meanness. At 16, she had a job and highschool, yet he would complain about having to pick her up and drop her off for work on a daily basis, yet he never did it, I did. She had a 10:00 curfew as a 17 YO (on weekends), and if she was late or asked for more time, she was given two weeks of restriction. His own curfew at that age was midnight. He requires that the kids stay home on Saturdays until ALL of the chores are done, including his yardwork in a verrrry small yard, but that doesn't even get started til he returns from the gym around 3pm. So they've spent the entire day cleaning house, yet the cannot leave until his chores are done too. I've suggested the kids can do the yard work, but he refuses to relent. He nitpicks at them constantly, can't give praise without countering the praise with something negative.
He is an perfectionist control freak, who hates neighbors, hates kids in the neighborhood, everyone seems to always fall just short of meeting his expectations. There is always someone to complain about. So, if that sounds like the environment your kids are living in, don't be surprised when they exercise their freedom at 18. Now if she'd decided to go to a 4 year college and live the dorm life, would you have paid for it? Would you assume that because she's in a dorm, she's gonna stay outta trouble and "people" are there to watch her? Think again. My daughter's best friend for many years, a very very involved Christian girl, who was always very critical of anyone not fully consumed by their faith, just started college, a Christian college, and is now out partying drinking, smoking pot. Our daughter is working 32 hours a week, and going to school. Paying for her own rent, food, gas, etc. We pay for her school and she is allowed to use the car as long as she is in and passing in college. should we take the car away as her dad wants to do, simply because she didn't do things "his" way?
To the OP once she turns 18 you have no choice. Our dd moved out when she turned 18, she had just graduated from HS and thought she knew everything, now she is 24 still living on her own and doing good, will graduate from college in May 2010 and has done it on her own. She is very proud of herself for doing this but will occasionally tell me she was crazy to move out. However, she was never snotty to us, just didn't want to tell us where she was going or call to let us know she wouldn't be home.
I know that this is an old topic, but I see things from two perspectives. I used to be that independent teenager. I wanted my freedom, and I recall my mom not hindering me but at the same time letting me know her chagrin. Now that I am older, and a mother to an independent three year old, I can see why she was so sad. It's not even about control. It's about the need to constantly protect as their parent. You want to look after them so much, and YOU know that you set rules for their own good. Of course it would break my heart if Kalinda told me that she 'can't wait to get out' because I know how hard her father and I try to make sure that she has a loving, stable home.
My mother and I had a very close relationship growing up too. I think that the parent should let go, and realize that this is the hallmark of being a teenager, but at the same time the kid needs to have a little empathy for dear old mom and dad. I guess I really should appreciate these tender moments I have with my daughter before she pushes me away and no longer needs me.
My mother and I had a very close relationship growing up too. I think that the parent should let go, and realize that this is the hallmark of being a teenager, but at the same time the kid needs to have a little empathy for dear old mom and dad. I guess I really should appreciate these tender moments I have with my daughter before she pushes me away and no longer needs me.
You are, of course, correct. But empathy comes later especially when the act of breaking away is conflictual in any way with the parent(s).
No matter how reasonable, understanding and loving parents are, they still exercise authority in the mind of an 18 year old.
Now some don't mind that authority. My son, now 28, made working the system into an art form. He stayed at home as long as he could, had his teachers and principals exactly where he wanted them - he never got into trouble, was decent academically and good at sports so the privileges were never slow in coming - and salted away his cash into savings accounts.
My daughter, now 22, on the other hand, made it very clear from a very young age that she was off when she hit 18. She was smart enough to realize she needed to go to college but no parental presence was required or accepted. Now, in fairness, she has done pretty well and come out with her Masters. But it required a very discrete and deft parental hand to nudge her in the right direction as well as a lot of tongue biting along the way.
So, while every child is different, so are the parents and some find it much harder to accept than others. But, the reality is there. Sooner or later they will become adults and go their own way. Fighting it, being mean, sarcastic, caustic, intolerant, authoritarian or other will just make it worse in the long run. So we just have to make the best of it and hope that the "bozzo" stage does not last for too long and that the relationship is re-established on stronger terms than before.
Jaggyoo1, very well said, witiout disrespecting anyone's feelings/opinion. I think there is probably more to the situation with a controlling parent though. I'd be willing to bet that the controlling personality, although it can be a positive in many situations, causes problems within the home and at the controlling persons workplace. I know this to be true, as I thought my H only acted like that at home, but I was told by a co-worker recently that he is the same at work. No one is capable enough to accomplish anything with out his micromanagement. he's driving them nuts too. Love him, but I'm glad they get him at least hours of the day!! I have to be honest that her moving out has caused a huge wedge in my relationship wtih him. And so the controlling nature goes on. I am one of 8, and moving out and making your own way was not uncommon. He, as I said, was the baby of the family didn't leave home until 26, and remains I think too attached to his parents. That's not to say that is family didn't have their combative kids..
His older sister moved out at 16, and brother at 17. From what I can glean from conversations with them, it had everything to do with an extremely controlling mother, who was and still is OCD nervous wreck. Consequently, all three kids are in their 40's or older, and have been habitual pot smokers since their teens. When I asked my husband why they all smoke pot, he said it was the only way they could live around their mom and not go crazy. What he doesn't see, but even his siblings do is that he displays the same behaviors his mother did.
That's not to ignore the fact that many 18yo' s just don't want to follow the rules as they are in the parents home, but when the rules and the punishment for breaking them are unreasonable, they exercise their legal right to get away from it. May not be the wisest thing to do, but I can imagine what life would be like if she were home still, fighting constantly with her dad over a 11:00 curfew. C'mon.... she's 18 and has proven to be a responsible girl. (that's been my argument with him). He wouldn't budge. So I asked him, why then did you finally move out of your parents home? He said "because I didn't get off work til midnight and wanted to hang out with friends, and my mom would get mad if I didn't come straight home" At 25?????? Granted, he went to school and got his bachelors degree, and has worked for the same comppany for 25 years, but he has never had to find a job without his parents help, He's never lived more than 16 miles from his parents, and can't make a decision without consulting them. He lives in his comfortable box where he can control everything. I remember when our kids were very young, they agreed to babysit so we could go on an anniversary trip. Very kind I thought. Until I got home, and found my whole kitchen, dishes and all, re-arranged to her liking... that's not all. She and my father-in-law also went through our bank statements and receipts and decided to throw away what they felt we didn't need. Then proceeded to tell us what we should be investing our money in. Both H and I were unbeilevably offended, yet he displaying those same behaviors now. So to make a very long story short.. If it were me, I would have run like the wind at 18.
I know every situation is different, I lived through 8 siblings leaving home and all were for different reasons, yet they're all successful, happy and still very connected to the family though we live in 6 different states. They will be fine in most cases, sometimes better off mentally than if they'd stayed... Lord knows I don't want my daughter sef medicating to tolerate her parents.
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