Parents with adult kids: what would you do differently if you were raising them today? (day care, maternity)
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I'll second this. I wish I had spent more time at the park and the beach. I wish we'd played more board games. It seems I was always doing what I was supposed to do.
Me too, Ivory....yeah.....always doing what I thought I was supposed to be doing. Now, I'm questioning just how important, or urgent many of those things were. They really grow up so fast. Our bonds are so tight and so close....so I guess they must have somewhat an understanding of why I was so busy. I think, it's easier though, for kids to understand that their parents are busy, when they truly are busy though. At least we weren't choosing the television or computer, or video games, over our children.
The feeling's still the same though.....I wish I had been....more fun, more the REAL me, not the Mom me.
The feeling's still the same though.....I wish I had been....more fun, more the REAL me, not the Mom me.
If I had been the REAL me, I would have left my marriage when the kids were young.
When I was seriously considering it, I talked with a friend who had done that and told me it was a huge mistake. She ended up with all the work and worry and he got the weekends and the fun. She said if she'd stayed with him, she could have spent more time focusing on the kids, would have been with them every holiday, etc.
Our kids are grown now and from a financial, getting-them-through college perspective, it was probably a wise move.
But the model they have of a marriage is one of grim tolerance. They've never seen us laugh and love on one another. I wish they had been around that. I think it might have made a difference in their relationships.
This is easy for me. I think about it frequently. 2 boys, 2 dads. Ages 28 and 21. I would give them equal love and affection. I resented first dad plus son was ADD and it's too easy to not like ADD kids, though you love them with all your heart. (only an ADD mom would understand). I wish I could do it all over again.
NEVER show one child more love and affection over the other. Even if they get on your last nerve.
The one thing I would do differently is that I would have waited an additional year for my 18 year old to start K. He has a summer birthday. Growing up he was always the youngest in his grade. He is an OK student but I think he would have benefited socially if he had been one of the older kids instead of one of the younger ones. I made the mistake of valuing academic challenge more than being able to fit in socially. At age 18 he fits in just fine with his peers but I think the early school years (K-5) would have been easier for him if I had waited a year for him to start school. I also think middle school would have been easier on him had he been a year older.
I understand that dilemma you faced, but your son's probably just fine, Momma bear. Kids will face challenges no matter what.
My older son - my middle child - is 15. He has a November birthday, so I made the decision to have him wait a year before he started school. During his late 4-to-early-5 year, I had him enrolled in a young 5's program in a good preschool. He really enjoyed it.
However, I have sometimes doubted my decision for the opposite reason you doubt yours. My son has always been a leader socially, but I often question if he's being adequately challenged academically.
I guess the moral is that it's impossible to know whether the decisions we make for our kids at the time are the right ones in the long run. But, usually, they probably are.
BTW, great thread topic, OP!
Last edited by newdixiegirl; 07-13-2014 at 07:52 AM..
On another note, I read something the other day along the lines of "Why, as parents, do we view it as our job to instill in our kids that the world is a dark place and they better be prepared for it? Shouldn't we, as parents, view it as our job to prepare our kids to go out an make the world a little less dark than it was before?" and I totally agree with it. I wish when my kids were little (though my youngest is only 10 so I still have a ways to go) I would have focused less on stuff like bedtimes and limits on screen time and homework and sports and just enjoyed them as the awesome people they are and realized that it's less important that my kids are in bed by 8:30 each night and only have 30 minutes of screen time on the weekend and get As in every class and more important to see that they are good, kind people.
"...and more important to see that they are good, kind people."
Great point, strawflower. If I may, I would add "happy" to that. I often think that all this parental focus on preparing our kids academically, socially, financially, physically, etc, so that, theoretically, they will face as few obstacles in life as possible can sometimes make kids more anxious and unhappy.
As human beings, kids need to learn to accept and effectively respond to the normal ups and downs of life (successes AND failures) in order to be prepared for it.
If I had been the REAL me, I would have left my marriage when the kids were young.
When I was seriously considering it, I talked with a friend who had done that and told me it was a huge mistake. She ended up with all the work and worry and he got the weekends and the fun. She said if she'd stayed with him, she could have spent more time focusing on the kids, would have been with them every holiday, etc.
Our kids are grown now and from a financial, getting-them-through college perspective, it was probably a wise move.
But the model they have of a marriage is one of grim tolerance. They've never seen us laugh and love on one another. I wish they had been around that. I think it might have made a difference in their relationships.
My heart aches for you!!!! Honestly, I've known so many people who have a similar story of their childhoods! For some of those kids, it was an excellent example for them and for others, a horrible life.
Look, you did what you thought was best. That...was the REAL you, right? Honest to goodness, please don't waste another second...second guessing yourself and your decisions. Bless you!....because you did what you thought was right...and it was RIGHT. In the long run, you'll see.
You kept a promise. You kept your word. In spite of the fact that you and your husband found yourselves to be "not altogether compatible", you did what you thought was best for your children, didn't you? You were looking at the "in the long run/for the greater good of the children"? Right? Understand...that that is ALL you are required to do.
How do you know if something is going to work, if you don't try? If you'd been the "real" you, and walked away early on in your marriage, you don't know that it wouldn't have worked out....had you stuck with it.
If I had trusted my emotions and feelings, when I was a younger "real" me...I would have left my husband, too. Yep....I sure would have. Turns out...the younger "real" me, made the right choice in listening to her heart, and HIS heart, rather than those emotions and feelings. Not only did it make for some pretty incredible make up sex..., but once we settled in with each other, and simply accepted each other for exactly what we were and how we were, things started to get pretty darn comfortable.
We STILL have our differences and we butt heads...but, in the end, it has shown my 4 beautiful children, that you do not have to agree 100% on everything. We have shown our children that just because someone does not have all the same interests as you, all the same tastes as you, agree with all of your viewpoints, prioritize things the way you do, that you can STILL live in harmony. You are teaching your children the VITAL lesson of......TOLERANCE!
People can change over time and no one...I mean, NO one is perfect. You know, it seemed like everytime we'd have a blow up, I'd run into a few folks who'd also had blow-ups with their mates. It never failed...those people's mates were WAY worse than mine! With every story, I'd find myself thinking, "WTF!? If mine ever did THAT, oh hell no! It would be OVER!" With every encounter, it became more and more apparent that wow....mine had such small, stupid little flaws...and maybe I was just being too intolerant! Maybe...I was just expecting him to be what I was expecting him to be.
I mean...it's not as if he'd changed...from the man I first fell for! When the kids showed up, he was an amazingly loving father. He sucked in the discipline and teaching department...cuz he never wanted to hurt their feelings...but on the other hand, OMG! I had a man who hated to hurt anyone's feelings. See?
Just have one daughter who turned 35 last week. If I had a "do over", the only thing I would change would to be more in tune with the needs of her mother/my wife.
Just have one daughter who turned 35 last week. If I had a "do over", the only thing I would change would to be more in tune with the needs of her mother/my wife.
Outstanding post, volosong. I wish more parents would think about this while they're raising their children. Yeah...it would be a ...umm, responsible, long-term, worthwhile investment, for sure.
Moms- Do you want your grandchildren to be raised by someone exactly like you? Do you want your sons to marry someone exactly like you?
Dads-Do you want your grandchildren to have parents exactly like you? Do you want your daughter to marry someone exactly like you?
If the answer to those questions is, "NO"....then get your shyte together and become the kind of person you want raising your grandchildren and g-grandchildren.....yeah?
If I had been the REAL me, I would have left my marriage when the kids were young.
When I was seriously considering it, I talked with a friend who had done that and told me it was a huge mistake. She ended up with all the work and worry and he got the weekends and the fun. She said if she'd stayed with him, she could have spent more time focusing on the kids, would have been with them every holiday, etc.
Our kids are grown now and from a financial, getting-them-through college perspective, it was probably a wise move.
But the model they have of a marriage is one of grim tolerance. They've never seen us laugh and love on one another. I wish they had been around that. I think it might have made a difference in their relationships.
Are you sure you're not writing about MY marriage, GotHere? .
Your words are exactly the same as what mine have been. I, too, deeply regret the "model of a marriage" that my husband and I have given our kids. It saddens me more than I can express.
It's so good to hear that your kids are doing well, though. Did you leave your marriage, eventually? If so, when did you, and what finally prompted your decision? I'm getting out now (my kids are ages 10-17), and I hope it's not too late.
My heart aches for you!!!! Honestly, I've known so many people who have a similar story of their childhoods! For some of those kids, it was an excellent example for them and for others, a horrible life.
Look, you did what you thought was best. That...was the REAL you, right? Honest to goodness, please don't waste another second...second guessing yourself and your decisions. Bless you!....because you did what you thought was right...and it was RIGHT. In the long run, you'll see.
You kept a promise. You kept your word. In spite of the fact that you and your husband found yourselves to be "not altogether compatible", you did what you thought was best for your children, didn't you? You were looking at the "in the long run/for the greater good of the children"? Right? Understand...that that is ALL you are required to do.
How do you know if something is going to work, if you don't try? If you'd been the "real" you, and walked away early on in your marriage, you don't know that it wouldn't have worked out....had you stuck with it.
If I had trusted my emotions and feelings, when I was a younger "real" me...I would have left my husband, too. Yep....I sure would have. Turns out...the younger "real" me, made the right choice in listening to her heart, and HIS heart, rather than those emotions and feelings. Not only did it make for some pretty incredible make up sex..., but once we settled in with each other, and simply accepted each other for exactly what we were and how we were, things started to get pretty darn comfortable.
We STILL have our differences and we butt heads...but, in the end, it has shown my 4 beautiful children, that you do not have to agree 100% on everything. We have shown our children that just because someone does not have all the same interests as you, all the same tastes as you, agree with all of your viewpoints, prioritize things the way you do, that you can STILL live in harmony. You are teaching your children the VITAL lesson of......TOLERANCE!
People can change over time and no one...I mean, NO one is perfect. You know, it seemed like everytime we'd have a blow up, I'd run into a few folks who'd also had blow-ups with their mates. It never failed...those people's mates were WAY worse than mine! With every story, I'd find myself thinking, "WTF!? If mine ever did THAT, oh hell no! It would be OVER!" With every encounter, it became more and more apparent that wow....mine had such small, stupid little flaws...and maybe I was just being too intolerant! Maybe...I was just expecting him to be what I was expecting him to be.
I mean...it's not as if he'd changed...from the man I first fell for! When the kids showed up, he was an amazingly loving father. He sucked in the discipline and teaching department...cuz he never wanted to hurt their feelings...but on the other hand, OMG! I had a man who hated to hurt anyone's feelings. See?
I love stories like this, beachmel. For the sake of my kids, I wish this could have been mine.
I think you and your husband ARE compatible, though. You just had to grow into each other, as life mates and as parents.
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Honestly, I've known so many people who have a similar story of their childhoods! For some of those kids, it was an excellent example for them and for others, a horrible life. 
Honest to goodness, please don't waste another second...second guessing yourself and your decisions. Bless you!....because you did what you thought was right...and it was RIGHT. In the long run, you'll see. 
, but once we settled in with each other, and simply accepted each other for exactly what we were and how we were, things started to get pretty darn comfortable. 
We have shown our children that just because someone does not have all the same interests as you, all the same tastes as you, agree with all of your viewpoints, prioritize things the way you do, that you can STILL live in harmony. You are teaching your children the VITAL lesson of......TOLERANCE! 
