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She gets plenty of love from me. I'm just telling the story exactly how it is from my point of view mixed in with facts from the doctors and such. Not everything is always rose petals and gummy bears. I'm sure your children have a lot of things that they do that you're not approving of and such.
Why do you people insinuate things from a few board posts? Stick on topic here or I'll just have a mod close it and go elsewhere. I'm here to find others who may have had the same situation. This isn't a topic of whether or not I love my stepdaughter.
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Originally Posted by gouligann
No matter what forum you post on, and no matter what topic, prepare for the posters who jump all over each word you say. Half of them don't even read the whole thread before making their (autoratative)ignorant comments. You sound like you have tried all avenues, and only want a solution and now someone says you possibly don't like/love your step daughter????
Give the guy a break!
I agree with what Suzie Q says in post #37. Give it a try.
I did not say the OP did not love the step-daughter, I said his posts (all we have to go on) are not exactly warm and fuzzy. Very dismissive of the potential emotional causes, and insinuates that this is based on naughtiness. Blended families are complicated when kids are in the mix, step-parents should be mindful of this.
Attention is not her problem. She gets plenty of it.
I, personally, think it's just laziness and/or a control issue. She specifically stated that her body tells her when she needs to go and she does go, sometimes. Not just because she's sitting on the toilet already, but because she'll realize she needs to go and goes. It could be something that Mom and Dad can't make her do, you know?
I think encopresis could happen from this and it's possible it could be a mild form that doesn't include the fact that she can't feel herself going, but from my point of view, nothing is stopping her from doing it normally but herself.
We have been "ignoring" it for the last few months. Though we have had to leave a few outings early because of it, but when it happens at home, we just tell her to go clean up and that's about it. The problem is that it's not helping.
Are you really going to argue semantics? I said it once. Chill out with the "STOP THREATENING YOUR KID" nonsense. Threatening is a one-word explanation of that situation, rather than typing the entire thing out.
We thought a little positive reinforcement for correctly going to the restroom would help. It's not like I went out and bought her a toy. I said, "That's awesome! Good job! ::highfive::"
I am going to argue semantics because your words are all we have to go on here. And as Zimbochick has pointed out, your words reveal a lot more than you think.
You have VERY limited experience as a "parent," and you have gotten some great advice here. Choose a plan and stick with it. I'll gladly check out.
Attention is not her problem. She gets plenty of it.
I, personally, think it's just laziness and/or a control issue. She specifically stated that her body tells her when she needs to go and she does go, sometimes. Not just because she's sitting on the toilet already, but because she'll realize she needs to go and goes. It could be something that Mom and Dad can't make her do, you know?
Robot alert. <-- That is to say, I speak like a robot.
I work in software. There are a LOT of newbie software engineers who don't make it far, land in sustaining engineering hell forever, because they attempt to solve the problem before the root cause is found. It seems clear as a bell that you cannot find the right solution without understanding the root cause of the problem.
You think it is laziness and/or control. Let us hope that that IS all it is. Because this is easy to fix.
Step out. If she is battling you for control, simply cede it. It is difficult to imagine to lazy to go to the bathroom. Cleaning up is probably 4 times the work. But in either case, laziness OR control, the solution is the same. Step away from the problem and allow her own motivation to avoid the yucky natural consequences to take place.
HOPEFULLY, this can be resolved at home, though I did not see you reply to the question about whether it is also happening at school. But as painful as it may be for her, there the consequences are the most motivating. BUT there you need to be careful that laziness and / or control ARE the correct root cause because otherwise the shame of this happening at school would only create an order of magnitude more problems.
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I think encopresis could happen from this and it's possible it could be a mild form that doesn't include the fact that she can't feel herself going, but from my point of view, nothing is stopping her from doing it normally but herself.
Is there any harm in taking her in for a check? It can simply eliminate this issue from your mind. Sort of like due diligence.
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We have been "ignoring" it for the last few months. Though we have had to leave a few outings early because of it, but when it happens at home, we just tell her to go clean up and that's about it. The problem is that it's not helping.
I am not sure why you put ignoring in quotes? Can you clarify why that is? I, personally, don't think ignoring it is the perfect idea. A more realistic natural consequence is to demonstrate lack of desire to be near. I would even leave out the cleaning up, after the first time, when you say WHEN you don't smell, THEN I would love to hang out with you. It MUST be said with exactly ZERO judgmental tone indicating that it is of no particular importance to you if she chooses to stink or be available to hang out with the rest of the crowd. This is part of ceding control. But again, you have to be absolutely certain that laziness and/or control is the root cause or you have just sent a really rejecting message!
Quote:
We thought a little positive reinforcement for correctly going to the restroom would help. It's not like I went out and bought her a toy. I said, "That's awesome! Good job! ::highfive::"
Well I can see where that would come from. But IF control is the underlying root cause, I would say it risks being counter productive. If SHE is to be in control of her bowels, and barring a medical problem I think it is reasonable for her to be, then let her.
As a person very personally familiar with abuse, sexual and otherwise it pains me to see what i consider to be a cavalier response towards this as a possiblity. Lord knows no one here hopes this is the case, but adults with heads in the sand is a very unfortunate phenomenon in our world. It's possible the Op himself needs a diagnosis
Step out. If she is battling you for control, simply cede it. It is difficult to imagine to lazy to go to the bathroom. Cleaning up is probably 4 times the work. But in either case, laziness OR control, the solution is the same. Step away from the problem and allow her own motivation to avoid the yucky natural consequences to take place.
That's the weird part about it. She seems okay with cleaning it up, even though we've stated multiple times that just going to the restroom on the toilet takes less time, which means more time to play.
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Originally Posted by somebodynew
HOPEFULLY, this can be resolved at home, though I did not see you reply to the question about whether it is also happening at school. But as painful as it may be for her, there the consequences are the most motivating. BUT there you need to be careful that laziness and / or control ARE the correct root cause because otherwise the shame of this happening at school would only create an order of magnitude more problems.
Is there any harm in taking her in for a check? It can simply eliminate this issue from your mind. Sort of like due diligence.
No offense intended, but I've stated that we've been to the pediatricians and a highly respected Children's Hospital on many occasions and they haven't diagnosed her with anything other than slight constipation in the early stages of this happening (years ago), which was why we were told to give her Miralax until she goes normally. (which has yet to happen)
I did state she did it once at school. She apparently did it at recess and slipped out to the nurse's office. I don't think any kids noticed, thankfully.
Quote:
Originally Posted by somebodynew
I am not sure why you put ignoring in quotes? Can you clarify why that is? I, personally, don't think ignoring it is the perfect idea. A more realistic natural consequence is to demonstrate lack of desire to be near. I would even leave out the cleaning up, after the first time, when you say WHEN you don't smell, THEN I would love to hang out with you. It MUST be said with exactly ZERO judgmental tone indicating that it is of no particular importance to you if she chooses to stink or be available to hang out with the rest of the crowd. This is part of ceding control. But again, you have to be absolutely certain that laziness and/or control is the root cause or you have just sent a really rejecting message!
I'm just weird like that, I guess. I don't necessarily IGNORE the fact that she did it, but we ignore having to deal with it ourselves. Maybe that's what I meant by the quotes. She comes walking in, jumps on one of us and we catch a whiff. We'll just say that we smell an accident and you need to go clean up. She may or may not go do it immediately. Sometimes she'll keep trying to jump on us. So we tell her we don't want to play until she's cleaned up. Sometimes she'll just lay there because she doesn't want to clean herself up. In which case, we just ignore her until she does clean herself up.
I guess another example I could give to the laziness and/or control issue is that she doesn't even want to wipe her own butt, but she has no problems cleaning up her own soiled underwear? She's gotten a little better about it, but for a long while, she'd poop either in the toilet or her underwear and demand that Mom wipes her butt. When Mom refuses, she gets angry and so forth. (no, we absolutely do not wipe her butt and yes, we showed her how to many times)
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Originally Posted by somebodynew
My two cents.
Thanks for your input.
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Originally Posted by Tell-the-Truth
*sigh*
As a person very personally familiar with abuse, sexual and otherwise it pains me to see what i consider to be a cavalier response towards this as a possiblity. Lord knows no one here hopes this is the case, but adults with heads in the sand is a very unfortunate phenomenon in our world. It's possible the Op himself needs a diagnosis
Thanks for your professional psychiatric evaluation. Your response in this thread is exactly what I needed to overcome this issue. You are a gift from the heavens to this world.
I did not say the OP did not love the step-daughter, I said his posts (all we have to go on) are not exactly warm and fuzzy. Very dismissive of the potential emotional causes, and insinuates that this is based on naughtiness. Blended families are complicated when kids are in the mix, step-parents should be mindful of this.
Carry on.
This isn't exactly a warm and fuzzy topic. Would you rather me start off the thread with our entire family background or get to the point, because it's a lot more warm and fuzzy? Seeing as outside of this issue and the normal cranky kid issues, we function perfectly well as a family.
My insinuation is much more educated than yours, seeing as you know nothing about my stepdaughter. I have seen all sides of this. You have seen a handful of internet posts. I am not here for you to guess what the problem is. I'm here for people who have had the same issue, to share their story and possibly educate me more on the subject.
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Originally Posted by Wmsn4Life
You have VERY limited experience as a "parent," and you have gotten some great advice here. Choose a plan and stick with it. I'll gladly check out.
You're right about one thing. I have gotten some great advice from those who are actually contributing it.
Your daughter hyperfocuses on the things she's good at or enjoys and finds herself unable to focus on the things she doesn't enjoy. ADD/ADHD isn't an inability to focus, but rather an inability to CONTROL one's focus. And you may not have noticed because typical symptoms are often masked in girls by other compensating behaviors - I was not diagnosed until my late 20s because of this.
I rarely even want to suggest that someone go straight to medication for ADD/ADHD (and do not take medication for my own symptoms), but given your daughter is not catching on to MAJOR signals from her own body that something is happening, I think that would be an option to explore right off the bat.
Take her to another psychiatrist, but make sure it's one that specializes in learning disabilities - ADD/ADHD in particular.
I'm actually thinking about this. I don't think we've ever really had her evaluated for ADD by someone qualified. She has no issues focusing on something. Though like you mentioned, she does have issues controlling that focus, but not all of the time. It almost seems like she gets hyperfocused, but only when she wants to. If she's waiting for something, like for Mom to come home from a quick outing to the store, she'll immediately jump up from what she's doing once she hears the door opening. Then there are times when you have to say her name like five times before she turns to you and says, "What?" Then probably won't listen to what you're saying.
I'll bring this up to the wife as well. We've been a little back and forth about ADD because at times she seems to have it, at times she doesn't and I'm not all that educated on all the aspects of ADD anyway. I actually thought ADD was more about a lack of focus and jumping from thing to thing.
Thanks.
And again, thanks to all of those who offered positive advice or condolences. It is much appreciated.
Last edited by lovesthebass; 01-20-2014 at 11:30 PM..
Some things to ponder:
Anxiety--anxious feelings make the poo come. Sometimes play or a scene in a movie make that feeling happen quickly (kind of like us grownups once that coffee hits).
She's had a lot of changes based on what you've posted--new parent, used to live with other caregivers, etc. Lots of changes mean a lot of confusing thoughts, especially at her age. Instead of focusing on the meaning behind her poop, see if you can put together what was happening during play or the movie, or between and within family members at the time. She could be reacting to someone else's anxiety as well.
Any time a kid is asked "why did you do that" they will come up with a pretty lame-sounding excuse. It's usually because they have no idea why.
It didn't need to be a case of molestation to be a trauma--but a couple of scary times in life (from a kid's perspective) can do the trick to set up a situation like this. Often times adults brush off something that scares the bejeezus out of a little...and then fail to recognize when the kiddo is reacting to it since it was "really no big deal".
Finally, she could be sending a loud message "I shall crap all over the lot of you" without even realizing it. Taking some time to figure out any possible reasons she might have for wanting to **** on you would be worth it (again, from the kid's perspective).
Some things to ponder:
Anxiety--anxious feelings make the poo come. Sometimes play or a scene in a movie make that feeling happen quickly (kind of like us grownups once that coffee hits).
She's had a lot of changes based on what you've posted--new parent, used to live with other caregivers, etc. Lots of changes mean a lot of confusing thoughts, especially at her age. Instead of focusing on the meaning behind her poop, see if you can put together what was happening during play or the movie, or between and within family members at the time. She could be reacting to someone else's anxiety as well.
Any time a kid is asked "why did you do that" they will come up with a pretty lame-sounding excuse. It's usually because they have no idea why.
It didn't need to be a case of molestation to be a trauma--but a couple of scary times in life (from a kid's perspective) can do the trick to set up a situation like this. Often times adults brush off something that scares the bejeezus out of a little...and then fail to recognize when the kiddo is reacting to it since it was "really no big deal".
Finally, she could be sending a loud message "I shall crap all over the lot of you" without even realizing it. Taking some time to figure out any possible reasons she might have for wanting to **** on you would be worth it (again, from the kid's perspective).
Thanks.
I don't think it's because of changes, as she was doing this before I even met her mother and it's actually gotten a little bit better than it used to be (though still waaay too often). I know anxiety, surprises and things can cause that to happen but she'll do it even while playing with dolls and such or watching SproutTV. So I don't think that's a primary cause or anything.
We have asked her why she does, because maybe she'd know. We never had gotten a good answer. It's either, "I don't know", "It's boring" (referring to the restroom) or the question gets ignored.
The only reason I could think of wanting to do that is to just passively assert to us that she has control over something. The whole, you can make me do a lot of things but you can't make me stop pooping myself, thing. As I've read many places (even here) that pooping (or lack thereof) is one of the tools that kids will use for control. But, there's really no way to know if she's doing it on purpose if she's not going to tell us. So, like everything, it's speculation.
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