MIL Issues: "You're keeping me from the kids!" (parents, activities)
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So, my MIL has been doing versions of this for years, but this was really bad.
They live approximately 5 hours away, while my parents live just around the corner. So, the back story is that there's always been a lot of jealousy regarding my parents getting to see the children more often. That's just a fact; I'm not going to prevent my parents from seeing the kids in order to even things up.
I've always made the children available to them for as long as possible. Typically, they go to MIL's house for Spring Break week and for about 10 days during the summer. MIL and her husband come frequently for visits (once every 2 months or so here recently).
They made a decision a while back to take their dream trip to Australia and New Zealand. They were gone for two months solid. BTW, they also PAID for another couple to go with them (for the whole tab, which I know wasn't cheap). They arrived home beginning of May and came in town this weekend for my son's birthday.
While they were gone, they emailed to request a 10 day visit during the summer. For a variety of reasons, the kids have more camps this summer, most of which were scheduled and paid for back in January. I gave MIL the only 10 day stretch of the summer we have available, which happens to be the week after they get out for the summer. After a couple of days, I got email back from FIL simply stating, "the timing isn't right." OK, fine; I've offered and they've turned it down.
So, this weekend, we're chatting and I mentioned that we're considering going to see a friend for Memorial Day. This friend lives 2 hours away from us going toward my MIL's town. She hit the roof; "If you're going there, why can't you bring the kids to see me!" I reminded her that she was offered that weekend and the full week following and that she elected not to take us up on that offer, knowing it was the only long stretch I could offer for the whole summer. Her reply: "Well, we didn't know how long it would take to recuperate from our trip and whether we'd have any money." OK, but I don't see that as being my problem. It was their CHOICE to be away for two months and spend all that money (including on their friends).
I was really P.O.'ed and still am. They are at my house until tomorrow and no one has mentioned the discussion again. I don't understand why she seems to believe that I should have held that time open after she turned it down. There's years of history here that I won't detail, but she has pulled stuff like this before.
It sounds like you make more than enough of an effort for the kids to spend time with them. If you want to try to smooth things over, you could maybe suggest a shorter visit at a different time. Otherwise, I don't see what you can do. THEY are the ones who turned down the time frame you offered. That is on them.
I'd offer for her to drive up to where you are at the end of your planned visit and pick up the kids for the remainder of the time you originally offered. You still get your weekend and she still gets an extended time, just not a full 10 days.
I would perhaps start having your husband talk to his mother and father. Maybe he can explain that this is only the start of the issue of kids having more and more activities and that it will get harder to fit in long visits. They need to start to understand the change in the dynamics of kids getting older.
I would perhaps start having your husband talk to his mother and father. Maybe he can explain that this is only the start of the issue of kids having more and more activities and that it will get harder to fit in long visits. They need to start to understand the change in the dynamics of kids getting older.
Excellent points!
When our kids were that age we were lucky if they had 3 or 4 days free at the same time. Either the grandparents need to accept that or they aren't going to get to see the grandkids at all.
Yes, I have tasked my husband with doing that and he has agreed to do so. Don't know when it's going to happen.
She had a similar tantrum two years ago on the very night that they were returning the children from their 10-day summer visit. We went to dinner and were talking about our weeks. At one point, my daughter said, "Next year I want to stay home for the 4th of July." My MIL left the table and stayed in the bathroom for 15 minutes. She then proceeded to let my husband have it, saying that I was trying to keep the kids from her. She was trying to imply that I had somehow prompted my daughter to say that, which was absurd. The children are free to go there for any 10 days they have free during the summer; it doesn't have to be for the 4th of July.
Instead of staying overnight that night as they had planned, they left at 9 PM and drove the 5 hours home. All because of her little tantrum. She is a piece of work, I tell you.
Yes, I have tasked my husband with doing that and he has agreed to do so. Don't know when it's going to happen.
She had a similar tantrum two years ago on the very night that they were returning the children from their 10-day summer visit. We went to dinner and were talking about our weeks. At one point, my daughter said, "Next year I want to stay home for the 4th of July." My MIL left the table and stayed in the bathroom for 15 minutes. She then proceeded to let my husband have it, saying that I was trying to keep the kids from her. She was trying to imply that I had somehow prompted my daughter to say that, which was absurd. The children are free to go there for any 10 days they have free during the summer; it doesn't have to be for the 4th of July.
Instead of staying overnight that night as they had planned, they left at 9 PM and drove the 5 hours home. All because of her little tantrum. She is a piece of work, I tell you.
I've seen similar in my family. My niece and nephew outgrew the long summer grand parent visits, and my MIL just couldn't understand why. That's crazy that your husband got the wrath for a comment your daughter made. If anything that should have been a major hint that the kids are getting older, and it isn't you trying to do anything.
They're now 7 and 8. Main issue this summer is that my son has been diagnosed with dyslexia and I have him signed up for a very expensive 5-week camp to intensively work on his reading. He will be repeating first grade due to these issues, and he needs to get off on the right foot next year. So, as I told my husband, my first priority this summer is my son's academics as opposed to making my MIL happy. They're welcome to come visit anytime this summer if they absolutely insist on 10 days, but I just don't have any other 10 day stretch to offer.
They're now 7 and 8. Main issue this summer is that my son has been diagnosed with dyslexia and I have him signed up for a very expensive 5-week camp to intensively work on his reading. He will be repeating first grade due to these issues, and he needs to get off on the right foot next year. So, as I told my husband, my first priority this summer is my son's academics as opposed to making my MIL happy. They're welcome to come visit anytime this summer if they absolutely insist on 10 days, but I just don't have any other 10 day stretch to offer.
You are being completely reasonable. They are being inflexible. I don't understand why they don't understand that kids grow and change, and priorities change. I'm sorry you are dealing with this.
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I've seen similar in my family. My niece and nephew outgrew the long summer grand parent visits, and my MIL just couldn't understand why. That's crazy that your husband got the wrath for a comment your daughter made. If anything that should have been a major hint that the kids are getting older, and it isn't you trying to do anything.
