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Looking for advice on how to deal with the three kids as far as discipline or yelling at them. They are not my kids and all from same father who is a loser. Anyway I love them and the mother and at first it didn't affect me but they've grown on me and I care more and now I find myself getting upset and yelling not like crazy but enough so they know.
I'm a sensitive guy and my gf said that it gets to her when I yell at them and I haven't done it a lot. I tried to talk to her but she gets upset and just says she doesn't like it. I want to marry her. What can I do or what should I do to try and deal with this? She disciplines them but they don't listen a lot of the time they are 3 6 and 9 sibling rivalry is rediculoua and the jealously omg
Preventive medicine is best. The situation shouldn't be allowed to get to the point where yelling is needed. Ground rules need to be set up, and the kids need to know that the parents mean business. Talk to your gf and suggest you two take a parenting class together. She isn't doing her kids any favors by being a doormat. Kids generally respond well to effective parenting, which is not what you have right now.
No one is suggesting explaining lethal threats. I think yelling at someone is mean. But also I don't even agree that it is effective as a discipline tool. It is effective as an emergency communication tool.
Yelling is very effective, as long it is attached to real consequences. My kids stop in their tracks when I yell. They know it means danger or that something serious is afoot. I don't have 15 seconds to explain a lethal threat like a bus. Yelling more than once conditions them that yelling can be ignored. That's the problem, lack of conditioning and inconsistency.
+1 When I was a kid, if my dad or uncle yelled, trust me, we listend.
I firmly believe that kids need to have a healthy fear of repercussions. I see parents these days who aren't into spanking, and 9 times out of 10, their children are ill-behaved brats.
I firmly believe that kids need to have a healthy fear of repercussions. I see parents these days who aren't into spanking, and 9 times out of 10, their children are ill-behaved brats.
I don't think the problem is not being spanked, but that there aren't consequences to actions, that yelling and threatening means nothing without follow-through.
My neighbour is a yeller. Apart from the damage she's doing to those little girls by screaming and name-calling, she's teaching them by her empty threats not to take her seriously. She puts no thought into discipline, just reacts in the heat of the moment. Threatening in July that Santa won't come is useless. Taking away their TV or computer privileges for a day for behaving badly, would be.
Discipline isn't more effective if it's louder, it's what you're actually doing about the situation, versus what you're saying or yelling about it.
I don't think the problem is not being spanked, but that there aren't consequences to actions, that yelling and threatening means nothing without follow-through.
My neighbour is a yeller. Apart from the damage she's doing to those little girls by screaming and name-calling, she's teaching them by her empty threats not to take her seriously. She puts no thought into discipline, just reacts in the heat of the moment. Threatening in July that Santa won't come is useless. Taking away their TV or computer privileges for a day for behaving badly, would be.
Discipline isn't more effective if it's louder, it's what you're actually doing about the situation, versus what you're saying or yelling about it.
I agree with this. But I want to add on to it. People think of discipline basically as punishment and when a kid does something "wrong", they need to be punished. I think people can and do miss opportunities to see what is really going on with their kid and teach real problem solving skills. Yah every human being is going to do something jerky from time to time. And consequences happen. One of my comments to my kids is that I will try never to shield them from the consequences of their actions so they have the benefit of learning from them. Well unless the consequences are going to kill them of course.
Another thing particular to this poster is that he is entering this discussion with Mom, who is the final authority. If I were in this person's shoes, I would not want to be bringing up corporal punishment!
I firmly believe that kids need to have a healthy fear of repercussions. I see parents these days who aren't into spanking, and 9 times out of 10, their children are ill-behaved brats.
I believe in some type of corporal punishment, and I don't mean taking away their iPhone/iPad/xbox.
But then again, I don't have children, maybe when I do, my feelings of punishment might change.
I agree with this. But I want to add on to it. People think of discipline basically as punishment and when a kid does something "wrong", they need to be punished. I think people can and do miss opportunities to see what is really going on with their kid and teach real problem solving skills. Yah every human being is going to do something jerky from time to time. And consequences happen. One of my comments to my kids is that I will try never to shield them from the consequences of their actions so they have the benefit of learning from them. Well unless the consequences are going to kill them of course.
My sentiments exactly.
I wrote this some time ago in response to a thread on spanking/discipline. I've been in countless debates on that over the years. Fun stuff.
Quote:
I decided a few years ago that I won't do unpleasant things to my children in response to their undesirable behavior with the intention of decreasing the likelihood of reincidence of that behavior, ergo, I do not punish. Have I done things that they may have internalized as punishment? Quite possibly. My girls appear to be heartbroken if I show disapproval with anything as negative as an exasperated sigh, so maybe when I react with annoyance to something they've done they think I am punishing them, even though that is not my intention.
I usually get down on their level when I ask them to do something. I try not to raise my voice, which at times is a struggle because my mom was a yeller. It's something I have to continually work on. If they don't listen then I start taking things away, like watching their favorite shows or putting their toys away and taking away their arts and crafts supplies. They respond well to that.
We try to practice what is commonly called natural consequences. Those natural consequences are also meant to fit their age and level of comprehension of what they did wrong. Punishment, to me, is about paying a price for a misdeed. It is focused on the misdeed, and on inducing a shame/remorse reaction. It is also about justice, and when some parents use it, revenge. "I'll teach him a lesson!" This is the thinking surrounding the old school view of discipline. This old school view also often comes packaged with religious precepts and dogma, which I find to be meaningless and of no value.
When I don't pay my bills, and my power gets cut off, that's not a punishment. It's just a consequence of how the world works - you don't pay your bills, people don't give you their services. Now, if I'm given a disconnection fee, that's a punishment, in a way. It's a penalty. It's an inducement to do the right thing in the future.
If, say, my 6 year old is being destructive of property or is hurting someone in some way, and she is removed from the playroom where it was happening - that's a natural consequence of her behavior. Just because she doesn't like it, doesn't make it punishment. She may characterize it as punishment, of course, but that doesn't make it so. It's all about intent. If the child doesn't get to watch TV for the rest of the day to "make them think about their behavior," that's a punishment. At least that's how I've come to see it.
Sometimes, those extra penalties are moral and valid. Most of the time, especially with small children, they're not. Punishment also puts a moral spin on the behavior that's "bad." Natural consequences are, in my opinion, less judgmental, and avoid attributing shame. There are very effective ways of disciplining that do not include spanking. Spanking doesn't automatically yield well behaved or mannered children and not spanking doesn't mean the children are ill-mannered brats.
In saying that, I did not always believe in gentle discipline. When my oldest was a baby I believed in spanking and the premise behind it. The old school thinking that it was a good tool in the rearing of children. A lot of this stemming from religious doctrine I was exposed to growing up that promoted and encouraged corporal punishment. At the women's Bible conventions we sung songs about spanking fashioned from the passages in Proverbs. There was a discipline system that was encouraged. Then I studied the doctrine surrounding corporal punishment and researched its origins and various interpretations. That search led me to gentle discipline and different ways to interpret the passages commonly misconstrued and misinterpreted.
As for my childhood, I was spanked twice in my life. I got a whoopin from my mom at 7 where CPS came to investigate her after I told my teacher the bruises on my arms and back were from a fall off the bed. She still to this days feels shame for it and regrets it. My dad spanked me when I was about 5 or 6 for saying something mean about my grandma. I was also backhanded once and got the ear pulling thing a few times in my adolescence. My little sister was last spanked once, at 3. It was a swat on the butt. My mom practiced gentle discipline and natural consequences with her.
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