Socially awkward teen , I need advice (bullying, teens, newborn, support)
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I'm a single parent with a 13 year old son, he is what I would call socially awkward, he just seems to have trouble making friends, his main interest appears to be playing on his PSP, I've tried Karate, judo and Boys scouts , as well as an after school program, as a means of him making friends, nothing seems to take, I signed him up with a nice mentor program, that helped a little, my concern is that, as he enters his teens he doesn't have a support system to get him through the teasing and bullying at school,and he has been getting into fights, I tried telling him not to fight back and to report to a teacher, but that just made him more of a victim, then I suggested that he should fight back only to defend himself as a last resort, which he did, and he and the other children involved got suspended. I asked the school what their policy is on bullying, no one could give me a straight answer,I asked one of the teachers in charge of discipline to tell me off the record, what he thought the problem was, and he said some of the kids complain that my son is "annoying", he said he would try and get more details as to what they consider annoying, but I suspect that it's the way he approaches them to make friends, I'm so frustrated especially when I see what he's going through, my job involves me working long hours so I can't be available to drive him long distances to events.And I have no family members available to help on any level,so that's not an option. I just would really like some advice on how to deal with the situation,how can I help him make friends,what would be the best approach with the school ? Someone told me years ago that you are only as happy as your unhappiest child, I am realizing how true that is now.
Last edited by Beejay24/7; 12-06-2013 at 04:20 AM..
He might be annoying because he's trying hard to make friends with kids who don't want or need more friends. He should look around and try to make friends with other loners, he's certainly not the only kid that isn't in the popular group.
Kids don't need many friends and they don't need to fit in with the big group, they're better off if they have one or two good close friends. He may need some coaching on how to make those kinds of friends.
He can approach others by asking them about themselves. Find kids who aren't part of a group and ask them what they think about this and that, ask them about their families, what they like to do, what shows they like, etc.
Some kids just "survive" high school, if he has enough activities apart from school, he may make friends outside of school. Church groups can be one good way to have an alternate source of social life.
Thanks malamute,I ran that by him this morning, the making friends with other kids who aren't in a group, thing, he says he'll think about it,how can I coach him on making friends, role playing ?, any tips ? I'm not a hugely social person myself, I've always enjoyed my own company and the friends I have are in other states with much older kids .He's 13 by the way in middle school, I'm dreading High school
To be honest I had a little trouble reading your post because it was all one big paragraph but from what I could read, I suggest you limit his time on the PSP. So many kids just withdraw from society and focus on their technology of choice. Perhaps talk to a school counselor or his teacher for some advice.
Good luck to you and him. He's lucky to have a loving mom.
Thanks malamute,I ran that by him this morning, the making friends with other kids who aren't in a group, thing, he says he'll think about it,how can I coach him on making friends, role playing ?, any tips ? I'm not a hugely social person myself, I've always enjoyed my own company and the friends I have are in other states with much older kids .He's 13 by the way in middle school, I'm dreading High school
He may be trying to force his way into established cliques and they aren't looking for more friends. He may need to back off and find other friends, look for other kid who aren't part of a group. Like I said, he's better off with only 1 or 2 good friends.
My son went through some of this in grade school, he wanted not only to join a group but be the leader of the group. I told him it doesn't work that way, and he probably needed to make his own group if he wanted to be a leader. I told him to find the other kids that don't have friends, look around and you will see them, and just start conversations -- he wasn't shy so that wasn't a problem for him, but I told him shy kids need someone to start things because they won't.
I told him if he would look around, he'd see plenty of other kids also on the outside, he could ask them about pets, what they do after school, ask them if they like a class or a teacher, sports they like, teams they like. Just start talking with the more invisible kids and stop trying to join established groups. It worked for him.
I think in some cases, the socially awkward will try to butt in on the more visible popular groups and that's how they're rejected. Those groups are simply too inflexible or too closed.
I'm a single parent with a 13 year old son, he is what I would call socially awkward, he just seems to have trouble making friends, his main interest appears to be playing on his PSP, I've tried Karate, judo and Boys scouts , as well as an after school program, as a means of him making friends, nothing seems to take, I signed him up with a nice mentor program, that helped a little, my concern is that, as he enters his teens he doesn't have a support system to get him through the teasing and bullying at school,and he has been getting into fights, I tried telling him not to fight back and to report to a teacher, but that just made him more of a victim, then I suggested that he should fight back only to defend himself as a last resort, which he did, and he and the other children involved got suspended. I asked the school what their policy is on bullying, no one could give me a straight answer,I asked one of the teachers in charge of discipline to tell me off the record, what he thought the problem was, and he said some of the kids complain that my son is "annoying", he said he would try and get more details as to what they consider annoying, but I suspect that it's the way he approaches them to make friends, I'm so frustrated especially when I see what he's going through, my job involves me working long hours so I can't be available to drive him long distances to events.And I have no family members available to help on any level,so that's not an option. I just would really like some advice on how to deal with the situation,how can I help him make friends,what would be the best approach with the school ? Someone told me years ago that you are only as happy as your unhappiest child, I am realizing how true that is now.
These are the kinds of situations that twist us moms into pretzels
You are right to be concerned, and it would be smart to be proactive!
Here's the thing...competence at something breeds self-esteem.
He needs to succeed at SOMETHING to start building a stronger self image.
I know you have tried a few things already (like karate) but brainstorm some more to see if you can come up with something else - photography? skate boarding? tennis?
And please don't read this as judgemental, but the boy needs a MAN in his life, and he needs him NOW.
Moms simply relate differently to boys than dads/men do.
You run the risk of him being more socially isolated and anxiety prone as a young adult if you can't get him a male role model okay?
If his dad is truly not in the picture, sign him up for a Big Brother or the Boys and Girls Club right away.
And please don't read this as judgemental, but the boy needs a MAN in his life, and he needs him NOW.
Moms simply relate differently to boys than dads/men do.
You run the risk of him being more socially isolated and anxiety prone as a young adult if you can't get him a male role model okay?
If his dad is truly not in the picture, sign him up for a Big Brother or the Boys and Girls Club right away.
You're right - my gosh, with no father figure around he might grow up to be President of the United States!!!
Now you CAN read this as judgmental: There are plenty of socially awkward boys who have fathers in the house, and there are plenty of socially adept boys, like mine was in junior high and high school, who were raised by single mothers. You're way off base to generalize like that. Do you really think a boy growing up with an abusive/alcoholic/unloving/'fill in the blank' father around is better off than one who lives alone with a competent mother?
I'm a single parent with a 13 year old son, he is what I would call socially awkward, he just seems to have trouble making friends, his main interest appears to be playing on his PSP, I've tried Karate, judo and Boys scouts , as well as an after school program, as a means of him making friends, nothing seems to take, I signed him up with a nice mentor program, that helped a little, my concern is that, as he enters his teens he doesn't have a support system to get him through the teasing and bullying at school,and he has been getting into fights, I tried telling him not to fight back and to report to a teacher, but that just made him more of a victim, then I suggested that he should fight back only to defend himself as a last resort, which he did, and he and the other children involved got suspended. I asked the school what their policy is on bullying, no one could give me a straight answer,I asked one of the teachers in charge of discipline to tell me off the record, what he thought the problem was, and he said some of the kids complain that my son is "annoying", he said he would try and get more details as to what they consider annoying, but I suspect that it's the way he approaches them to make friends, I'm so frustrated especially when I see what he's going through, my job involves me working long hours so I can't be available to drive him long distances to events.And I have no family members available to help on any level,so that's not an option. I just would really like some advice on how to deal with the situation,how can I help him make friends,what would be the best approach with the school ? Someone told me years ago that you are only as happy as your unhappiest child, I am realizing how true that is now.
Have you tried psychological testing, to see what the problem might be?
You're right - my gosh, with no father figure around he might grow up to be President of the United States!!!
Now you CAN read this as judgmental: There are plenty of socially awkward boys who have fathers in the house, and there are plenty of socially adept boys, like mine was in junior high and high school, who were raised by single mothers. You're way off base to generalize like that. Do you really think a boy growing up with an abusive/alcoholic/unloving/'fill in the blank' father around is better off than one who lives alone with a competent mother?
President Obama had a GRANDFATHER who was very involved in his life.
As much as some may not like it or want to see it, kids need men in their lives.
The social problems this country is enduring right now, particularly the fact that 60% of all newborns are now being born to single mothers, is due to the lack of strong male role models to begin with.
Competent mothers are very important, but only half of what a kid needs.
The other half is competent fathers or other male role models.
To paraphrase Al Gore - the truth can be very inconvenient.
Have you tried psychological testing, to see what the problem might be?
Some people are awkward introverts, a few I can think of immediately Steve Jobs, Johnny Carson, Jimi Hendrix. It does not mean that they need psychological testing.
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