Do you require your daughter's date to come to the front door of your house? (natural, husband)
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Where we are kids go on dates and they start driving at 16. I don't think it matters whether kids are in a "getting to know you" stage or not.
Why is this important to the discussion? I don't get it.
I guess for me the issue more about safety than monitoring who they are spending time with. By the time my kids are old enough to be in cars without us they choose their own friends. I like to just see what the kids look like but I don't actually need to "know" them. As I mentioned above my older two boys usually hang out with people I know but I don't require it.
I don't know how else to say it.
If you are waiting until they are in the relationship, than the safety issue has already been ignored for quite sometime.
If they have already been spending the amount of time a relationship would imply, BEFORE they come to the door, than your child has already had their "safety" compromised before you even met the person.
Our sons not only knocks on the door but have gotten to know the parents first. Our one son asked the girls dad if he could take his daughter to the home coming dance. The dad thought that was cool as did the mom. On the day of the dance he had a corsage for his date, flowers for the mom, and some chocolate for the dad. My wife drove them to the dance, as they were both Freshman at the time and could not drive. (Not sure how it is in your area, In our area home coming is a big dance the day after the Homecoming football game. When I was in high school it was the day of the football game and not so formal.)
We have had girls call our home and ask to speak to our sons. My wife informs them that it is not proper for the girl to initiate the call and then she hangs up on them. LOL Now that they all have cell phones things are much different. Still we have taught our kids about respect and how things work. We are not interested in how people think things should work or how things have progressed to a lax attitude on dating relationships. If the girl is that important to warrant a date then she is important enough to walk up to the door and knock. Guys initiate the contact and that is how it works.
Saying that, we have a son that is over the top popular. Girls do ask him to dances. Then again these are girls that we know. We know who are kids are hanging out with and have become friends with many of their parents. This last home coming he had all the cheerleaders help him with asking a girl out at a football game. She had put the word out that she wanted to go with him to the dance. They had made a large banner and during the game everyone in the stands saw how it took place. They were still talking about it a few weeks later.
As far as our daughter, when she is in high school 7 years from now, we will expect any boy that wants to ask her out, will ask me first. Not a knock on the door at the time of the date, but in advance I want the boy to come over and ask me if he can take her out. We have some friends that started dating like that. She was a cheerleader and he played football. By her Junior year she had never gone on a date. The rules were that any boy that wanted to ask her out had to ask the dad first. Finally he asked her out and was told that he had to talk to the dad first. He said OK and asked when a good time to meet her dad would be. Her dad upon meeting him was impressed with him and ended up becoming good friends over time with him. They both finished high school and dated for a few years after high school. They have been married now for over 10 years. I loved that story.
I would think very poorly of a young man who thought so little of my daughter that he thought he parents opinion of him matter more than hers.
Life is not stories. Girls do not need to be protected from themselves, their own opinions or their sexuality.
The rules were that any boy that wanted to ask her out had to ask the dad first. Finally he asked her out and was told that he had to talk to the dad first. He said OK and asked when a good time to meet her dad would be. Her dad upon meeting him was impressed with him and ended up becoming good friends over time with him. They both finished high school and dated for a few years after high school. They have been married now for over 10 years.
Of course the dad was impressed with him! He did just what the father wanted him to do. The father did not want an independent minded future son-in-law. He certainly didn't raise an independent-minded daughter. It's a perfect match.
Last edited by DewDropInn; 12-07-2013 at 05:33 PM..
If they have already been spending the amount of time a relationship would imply, BEFORE they come to the door, than your child has already had their "safety" compromised before you even met the person.
How so? If my son doesn't come home from wherever he goes and I need to report him missing I need to be able to tell the police who he was with. What the person looked like. What kind of car were they driving. If I don't know there is no way the police will be able to help.
To me this has far less to do with dating than just kids going out in cars. I have the same rules for my kids when they go out in cars whether it is a date or going out with guy friends.
By the time my kids are allowed to go on a date they are old enough to choose their own dates.
Last edited by Momma_bear; 12-07-2013 at 08:38 PM..
I am only 41 years old so I am not an old timer, so to speak, but yes, generally chivalry is dying and trying to enforce it is a losing battle. It appalls me how much certain people around our age of middle aged moms are attributing the loss of chivalry to the complete breakdown of humanity. Remember our parents thought we were the worst in the 70's/80's Old habits die hard I guess, but I think there will be a day when the next generation, our kids, will refuse, forget, or somehow fail to uphold the "old world" values we try to teach them. I don't know if that is good or not.
I'm sorry, I just don't get the gender equality arguments here. Nor do I agree with the association being made between respect for the opposite sex and sexism. If one truly feels as such then I'd argue there are underlying issues at play. None of which have anything to do with this thread.
Men and women are NOT the same. Biologically, physically, and psychologically. There are TWO sexes in the human race; not one. This is for a reason and it's futile to try to trump mother nature with loaded words or phrases disguised to create sameness out of what is naturally different...the sexes!
Look, I'm a feminist. Was raised by feminist parents...who BOTH taught me that leaving the house at the sound of a horn, the reading of a text, the voice on the other end of the phone, or at hearing my name from outside of the home; telling me that he was "here," was unacceptable and showed a clear lack of respect for me as well as my parents. His being a boy had nothing to do with it. If I were a lesbian and was dating a girl/woman, the same values applied.
So please, stop with the whole, Annie Get Your Gun, GI Jane, "Anything you can do I can do better!" defensiveness...it's not what the thread is about really. Substitute the "girls" for "boys" in the OP and the question still remains: Can your child be picked up from your home at the sound of a horn? Receipt of a text? Or, phone call from outside by his/her date without ever coming in to meet you as his/her parents?
In our house, nadda! Not appropriate. Rude, uncouth, and disrespectful. I repeat, my parents are feminists, as am I!
If you are waiting until they are in the relationship, than the safety issue has already been ignored for quite sometime.
If they have already been spending the amount of time a relationship would imply, BEFORE they come to the door, than your child has already had their "safety" compromised before you even met the person.
You seem to be describing an overprotective bubble where your children barely speak to people you haven't met. By the time they are old enough to drive, they should know how to protect their own safety. It's our job to teach our children how to function on their own. They need practice before they turn 18. If a 16 year old is such an airhead that he/she can't be trusted to make basic decisions, I'd be looking into social security disability for being mentally challenged.
Open communication is the key. My children always felt comfortable telling me anything. I always knew where they were going, who they were with, who they met, and what the people were like. My children would always tell me about their day and the people they know. By 16, I didn't need to meet them in person right away. By that age, I already knew my children had good common sense and the skills to navigate in the world. This is the age of parents easing into the mentor role.
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Old habits die hard I guess, but I think there will be a day when the next generation, our kids, will refuse, forget, or somehow fail to uphold the "old world" values we try to teach them. I don't know if that is good or not.
