How to keep my son's Father from emotionally hurting him over the topic of 'dolls & girly things' (baby, toddler)
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I also would like to add that I was a tomboy, and had a lot of friends who were boys when I was in preschool. I was terribly jealous of one of those friends because his MOTHER had made him his own doll baby and given him an entire set of clothes to go with it. No one gave him any crap about it. We played with that doll together all the time. He grew up into a pretty well-adjusted guy from what I've heard.
My preschool "boyfriend's" favorite color was lavender - again, another well-adjusted heterosexual male. My male cousin LOVED playing dress-up and Barbies with me and our other female cousin, and once again, grew up into a very masculine heterosexual man, and a successful entrepreneur who is well-respected in the community.
Because, let's face it: Dad's real fear is that his son is gay. But taking away the dolls isn't going to have any effect on that. And frankly, some of my gay friends had "gay" characteristics and some didn't as children. Just as some of the straight men in my life exhibited some "gay" characteristics and some didn't. They're little kids - they're trying on identities and social constructs.
A current romantic interest of mine had a dad who tried to shove him into a preordained mold of masculinity, lest he be raising a "sissy." End result? A spectacular rebellion that almost ended in self-destruction, with the grown-up result being a guy with a lot of issues but a concept of masculinity that is amazingly sexy, but not in any way defined by the father who he views with contempt.
My son is 3 1/2 yrs old. He enjoys both boys and girls toys equally. His favorite color as of now is pink. He has a brood of dolls he calls his friends. The dolls are equal in number as far as gender goes. His Father and I are not together. However we have what i think is a healthy co-parenting relationship. But we cannot get on the same page on this. I think it's harmless. His Father thinks it is unhealthy for him and that we are only setting him up to be bullied when he goes to school. My son is beginning to feel resentful towards his Father. On the days he is at his Father's house he gets his 'friends' taken away on a regular basis as a form of punishment and also his Father does not allow the dolls to sleep in bed with him at night. My son has said things to me like," My Daddy doesn't love me because i like girl stuff" & " I wish daddy would go away so i wouldn't have to go over there any more". I can't describe how hearing those words out of my son's little 3yr old mouth made me feel. I do my best to explain that his Father does love him very much and only wants the best the for him. I have spoken about this with his Father many times. It never really goes anywhere. No matter what i try to tell him, his stock answers are usually ' we wouldn't even be here right now if you hadn't allowed in the first place' & ' He knows i love him'. Is there anything i could say or do different to try to get through to him? Is there anything i can do help my son with all this? Please ANY advise would be greatly needed and appreciated.
Your son's not the one needs help...his father does though. If at all possible you should tape your son (when he doesn't know it) saying those very things you posted he says. If that don't break his daddies heart and smarten him up, nothing will...and if that's the case, he'll probably never be close to his father, which is sad..but if father is more concerned about appearances, and that his son be what he considers "the norm", he WILL be the loser in the long run....too bad. Not much you can do about it...you ought to quit singing fathers praise though, cause your son doesn't believe it, (it must be very confusing to him for you to say that, and then father to not show it) and it can only damage YOUR relationship with him...just support your son, and love him just the way he is...with a father who can't, the little guy needs one of you who can...and will... believe in him.
If at all possible you should tape your son (when he doesn't know it) saying those very things you posted he says. If that don't break his daddies heart and smarten him up, nothing will
Seems like that will only 1. Throw gasoline on the fire and 2. Break down further the co-parenting relationship because then it will seem to dad like mom is trying to prove son likes her better or rub that in his face. She chose to make a child with this man. That can't be changed. Now she has 15 years left to co-parent with him. Making it more difficult to do that will only hurt her son.
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Originally Posted by purehuman
you ought to quit singing fathers praise though, cause your son doesn't believe it, (it must be very confusing to him for you to say that, and then father to not show it) and it can only damage YOUR relationship with him...
I think it's important that both parents avoid saying negative things about one another, or giving the impression they think that way. Besides, I don't think her telling the boy his father loves him is anything bad. His father DOES love him. They simply disagree on the issue of whether it's okay for boys to play with "girl" toys. If one day, mom punishes him, the boy runs to dad and says, "Mom doesn't love me. I don't want to go over there," should dad then agree with him? Of course not. He should reiterate that both mom and dad love him and want what's best for him. The OP says they generally co-parent well. Doesn't sound like either of them are awful people. They need to find a way to work around this difference, not blow up the entire co-parenting relationship over it.
Quote:
Originally Posted by purehuman
just support your son, and love him just the way he is...with a father who can't, the little guy needs one of you who can...and will... believe in him.
I'm not seeing any indication of a father who doesn't love his son, or a father who can't love him "the way he is," but rather a man with very traditional beliefs who is taken aback by this (relatively recently acceptable) idea that boys can love pink and play with dolls. And personally, I agree with the OP that he should be able to play with whatever he wants. But this is really not that different from if one parent was very religious and traditional and wanted the boy to conform to that, and the other was against any religion at all. Or the post a week or so ago from the father who wanted his kids to learn how to shoot and grow up with guns, and a mother who was very against it. You can have very different beliefs about child-rearing and still have parents who love their child and think they are doing what is best for their child. And this again draws back to the fact that the OP picked this guy to make a child with. They're stuck in this together, despite disagreeing on this issue. They need to find a way to make it workable.
^^^^^This is what many people think they do, but miss the boat ^^^^^
Listening to your child and then taking it upon yourself to fix things can be an overstep, unless of course there is a safety issue. Sometimes doing nothing or delaying action is the best move.
Listening to your child, listening some more, and then listening even more, builds security in your relationship. If you feel there is something you can do to help, ask if your son wants you to do so.
Parents usually figure things out better when they don't over-react and just keep calm.
Someone said to stop "talking up" the Father, and I have an opinion about that. You should never be insincere about anyone, especially an EX, because your child will eventually distrust you as soon he catches on you are being false (and, they do figure it out). However, everything you say about your ex should be positive because the child DOES identify with both of you. Think of it like being polite or cordial.
If you express hate, anger or express disappointment in the other parent openly in front of your child, it very much hurts him and will complicate your relationship as a co-parent.
I also have a 3 year old son and I'm not together with his mother. His father is absolutely right. My son is forbidden to have girly toys, he needs to toughen up. I only allow him to sleep with a baby blanket (fortunately blue) because he can't fall asleep without it. But he will have to give that up one day.
Children have to be challenged to face the problems they will have at school. He's going to nursery school later this year and I don't him crying like a little girl over being bullied.
I also have a 3 year old son and I'm not together with his mother. His father is absolutely right. My son is forbidden to have girly toys, he needs to toughen up. I only allow him to sleep with a baby blanket (fortunately blue) because he can't fall asleep without it. But he will have to give that up one day.
Children have to be challenged to face the problems they will have at school. He's going to nursery school later this year and I don't him crying like a little girl over being bullied.
Just curious, if you had a daughter would you be just as militant about her not playing with 'boy' toys?
And exactly what relation is there between playing with 'girly toys' and crying when being bullied? My 3.5 yo son loves playing with play kitchens and baby dolls and grocery store as well as his trains and cars and firetrucks but if someone pushes or hits him on the playground he'll fight back with no problem. At the same time he loves helping others and is very sweet with babies. I feel sorry for your son - all you're going to accomplish is raising a boy with emotional hangups, inability to express emotion and stupid pre-conceived notions about masculinity. I'm certain men who think like you actually lack confidence in themselves and try to compensate by overdoing the macho guy image. Ever watch American Beauty?
Just curious, if you had a daughter would you be just as militant about her not playing with 'boy' toys?
And exactly what relation is there between playing with 'girly toys' and crying when being bullied? My 3.5 yo son loves playing with play kitchens and baby dolls and grocery store as well as his trains and cars and firetrucks but if someone pushes or hits him on the playground he'll fight back with no problem. At the same time he loves helping others and is very sweet with babies. I feel sorry for your son - all you're going to accomplish is raising a boy with emotional hangups, inability to express emotion and stupid pre-conceived notions about masculinity. I'm certain men who think like you actually lack confidence in themselves and try to compensate by overdoing the macho guy image. Ever watch American Beauty?
This.
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