How to keep my son's Father from emotionally hurting him over the topic of 'dolls & girly things' (babies, parents)
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I am so glad your son has you for a mother! I don't think it's a phase; he is probably identifying with the female gender and that is okay. It is very important for him to have these dolls for some reason. If he is that young and so against his dad's attitude, you must realize how adversely it is affecting him.
I don't know how to deal with your ex's attitude; maybe enlist a family therapist? But please continue to support your son in whatever his preferences are.
My 4-year-old son loves pink, loves to cook in the play kitchen or with me, loves princesses and Dora the explorer...but also loves Thomas the Tank Engine, Lightning McQueen, and Superman. He'll grow up fine. So will yours.
You won't/can't change your ex's mind, so you have to be more creative.
Perhaps his father would be willing to buy a lovey that stays at his house that your son could use at bedtime? Maybe something like a pillow pet would satisfy dad and your son - it's more practical than a doll? Then at your house his friends can be be his constant companions.
My xH and I did this with our son - he has a blanket doll (soft puppy head, and the body is a short blanket) for daddy's house, and at mama's house he started with one of those and graduated to dragging Mickey and Minnie Mouse and a small stuffed dog everywhere. He tells me flat-out those are not dolls, they are stuffed animals and they go where he goes. He'll grow out of it eventually.
Your son will turn out how he turns out. My favorite ex rode with a biker gang for a time, can build a house or a car from the ground up, hunts his own food and generally exudes testosterone. His favorite toy as a child? His EZ Bake Oven.
However, as the child of a mother who was constantly trying to change me and undermine my preferences and identity, I can say that creates an incredibly isolating feeling. I was bullied a lot in school, but that was like water off a duck's back. It was the disapproval and criticism that I faced at home that really tore me up.
I'd say in some cases, bullying can even make you stronger. But when you face rejection from the people who are supposed to love you the most on earth, it is utterly devastating.
This isn't about your son being bullied anyway - it's about your husband and his concerns about what people will think. Family counseling would be a good idea. He needs to accept his child for who he is.
Obviously the easiest solution would be if you could get your ex to change his mind... but that's kind of the one thing you don't have any control over. You're convinced he's doing harm to your son by not allowing him to play with the toys he likes. He's convinced you're doing the same thing in allowing this. Because both of you are strongly convinced your position is right, doesn't seem likely anyone's going to budge.
Personally, I happen to side with you. But because it sounds like you've already tried talking with him multiple times and it hasn't produced any results, so now you may need to focus on what you can change. I might suggest having the dolls stay at your house and having some other toy that goes with him to his father's--maybe a stuffed animal you can pick out together, like others suggested. It's a shame he can't enjoy his preferred toys both places, but if it's causing a big scene every time over at his dad's, it might be less harmful in the long run to simply not push the issue there, rather than to have his dad keep using that as a punishment, saying stuff about it, etc. As others have said, he may switch to more traditionally male toys once he has friends playing with them in Kindergarten, or he may always prefer female stuff, and then you and his dad can discuss this again in the future if that's the case.
The job of a mother is to love and nurture her children. The job of a father is to be a role model and teach his sons how to become men.
I think that the current crop of males that one experiences on a day by day basis confirms pretty clearly what happens when you don't have sufficient male influence when raising sons. So, I think I would try to have my husband spend MORE time with your boy because there is some conflict going on, and I am on your husband's side when it comes to the fact that little boys need to learn how to be men and there is only one person who can teach them that.
20yrsinBranson
Thanks for this statement! 100% on target. Boys need to be taught right from wrong today more than ever and nothing substitutes a fathers presence.
This is a tough situation since I've seen it played out time and time again. One parent somehow feels that he/she should control a child's play behavior using things like forecasting bully behaviors later in years.
Playing with dolls at 3.5 is not a gender defining action. Children this age do not know gender identifying behavior and are simply....playing. They are using their imagination and often are exploring their own lives through imaginative play.
A poorly adjusted child is more likely the person who WHEN made fun of in school will have the hardest time recovering. NO PARENTAL ACTION will avoid the occurrence of teasing children in school because being teased and teasing is NORMAL DEVELOPMENTAL BEHAVIOR in school aged children.
What to do about it....
If your ex husband enjoys reading about things, you can urge him to read some developmental books relative to developmental ages and what is normal. There are so many so I can just say to look on Amazon for the book that seems to speak in your vernacular.
SPEAK TO YOUR PEDIATRICIAN - This topic is within their realm of care. Your pediatrician would be happy to discuss this challenge. If they are not, then get a new Pediatrician.
SPEAK TO AN OLDER RELATIVE - Oftentimes, they are a wealth of experience and they will admit to similar doll playing in early years. Your Ex Husband's mother *may* share some insight that would be a help. Sometimes they share worries they had and how it all worked out.
By the way: Pink was a masculine color up until very recent history (past 100 years), so it is a LEARNED prejudice of color.
I should mention that along with my knowledge of psychological behaviors in children obtained through education of other professional's accounts and statistics,
I am a wife of a man who rocks pink.
We also have two sons who played with dolls when they were younger.
Yeah...I was freaked and worried that maybe I "over-wimped" my kids, but I held on in some cowardice form of parental bravery (yeah, I know that makes no sense) in each situation, that faded over time when their play changed from dolly play to them stripping the girl dolls and putting them into war scenes where they were saving the girls.
Still, it was not a comfortable feeling for me to have as a Mom seeing this Damsel in Distress War Scene play out, but hubby and I still managed a high five knowing that they seemed to be developing in a healthy way.
The take home message is to let the child lead their own play because it is in the micromanagement of a child's free time and freedom of the mind that can do the most damage.
I don't think you should tell the father anything. It'll serve no purpose other than bad feelnigs between you and him. I like the idea of keeping the dolls and whatever other traditional feminine things he likes at your place.
Kids say negative thigns about people when those people do negative things to them, I'm sure your kid says bad things about you too. He's only 3.
There are probably things you do that your x doesn't like. As long as he's not damaging the boy (and although I wouldn't do it, I wouldn't call what he's doing damaging), let your son and his father develop their own relationship.
Thanks for this statement! 100% on target. Boys need to be taught right from wrong today more than ever and nothing substitutes a fathers presence.
pppffftt.........what a crock and a big one at that. Peace, tranquility, and no bruises from being beaten is a great substitute for a sperm donor's presence.
My sperm donor was around, every violent, drunken, convict inch of him.
Want to trade him for yours since yours apparantly is perfect in every way.
It is NOT ALWAYS good to have sperm donors involved so quit making a blanket statement without knowing the facts of each situation.
This child is 3 years old and is starting to voice his own opinions. He more than likely is saying these things about his father for more than one reason. It appears the father takes the dolls away on a whim so the child says "Daddy is bad". This child is perhaps within hearing range when the Mother talks to her friends or family about the father and she does not put him in a good light so the child says "Daddy is bad, Mommy says so".
The dolls should stay at the Mother's home when the child is with the Father. No more taking away on a whim, no more "I have to have a serious talk with the Father" which she knows is useless. No unnecessary stress on this child wondering "When Daddy is going to be bad and take my dolls away".
All of that ends the moment those dolls do not enter the Father's home.
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