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To be fair, that was the normal amount of freedom for 17 year olds when I was one.
Not for me...I was in college at that age and my parents still required me to be home by midnight on the weekends and ten pm during the week. My mother assumed anyone who stayed out after midnight was out having sex.
Not for me...I was in college at that age and my parents still required me to be home by midnight on the weekends and ten pm during the week. My mother assumed anyone who stayed out after midnight was out having sex.
I grew up where there drinking age was 18, and there is a different mindset here with teens than in other countries. Not better or worse, just different. As we are talking about an American family in this circumstance I think you'll probably find a few things difficult to relate to. It really isn't the same.
I am not sure what the judge will do. Lots of kids from the high school seem to get caught drinking and driving, but they are generally not the type of kids our kids hang out with, so I have never heard what happened to them.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Coldjensens
However at 3 a.m. our phones were off,(won't do that again). He has not called, but he has driven friends home before and left his car and then asked us to bring him back to get his car in the morning. He is usually the DD because he does not drink - so much for that.
I'm a bit confused here.....
So your son only hangs out with the ones who drink but don't get caught?
Have you had serious discussions with him previously because it seems that you have known for a while certain behaviors going on with who he is hanging out with but it hasn't been a concern until now. When he got caught. I also, as some others have said, doubt very much this is his first time drinking.....
I agree with what Finster says below:
Quote:
Originally Posted by FinsterRufus
I think the bigger issue here is that it's accepted that kids are getting together and drinking as a bunch, and that this is condoned by the community - seemingly because they're good students and good athletes.
If you and the rest of the parents don't put your foot down in some way, then a tragedy of some sort is just waiting to happen. Especially if these kids already have the idea that they're above the law.
There are any number of stupid, stupid things these kids could ge up to in groups under the influence. Somebody's life could be ruined way above and beyond not be allowed to compete in Canada. That disappointment will pale in comparison once somebody is either seriously maimed or killed.
Knowing that your kid acts as a designated driver for other kids is condoning their actions in the highest possible way.
You want them to quit this crap before they're adults, in the not too distant future, when they are out of your house and you no longer have influence. You want them to stop because they're aware of possible consequences, not because mommy and daddy might punish them.
I think the whole community needs a wake up call.
And yes, I've got a 19 year old son. From the get go it was drilled into his head not just drinking, not just drinking and driving and the consequences he would face, but to also think about the situations he might get caught up in, just being an innocent bystander if he's with the wrong people.
Kids are not perfect, they WILL make mistakes. But this is just one that has such potentially serious consequences that I would have to make it painful.
On a side note... gotta say that I'm not sure I could fall asleep knowing my son was out at 3 am let alone turning off the phones. He always knew he could text us if he were in a difficult situation and make us out to be the bad guys to get out of it was always an option.
I may be mistaken but I thought the DUI laws were different for drivers under 21 years of age.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mattie
They are. Underage drinking and driving is a zero tolerance offense, with ANY amount of alcohol in your system. This kid caught a huge(misguided) break from the police. I doubt thejudge will be so lenient.
It's a juvenile behavior. Really, really dangerous, but we all did stupid things. For certain this is not his first swig off the bottle.
Grab the keys; have the lecture; monitor his activities: grounding.
Skip the AA stuff. Don't share with the coach, but get him out of that environment when possible. Don't deal with the provider. Let him deal with the g/f.
This isn't the end of the world. It is a speed bump on the highway of life. Keep it in the family; don't engage outsiders. Maybe have him get a part time job (in lieu of the sports crap) and buy his own car and pay for his own insurance so he gets a taste of what a privilege it is to be able to have a car and drive various places.
No time like the present to cross the threshold into being an adult.
No. This kid NEEDS to be told exactly when and where he is going to be sitting down with his mother and father and having the Come To Jesus Talk. Which , were it held in my dining room, would see him shifting in his chair a lot wishing he never - ever - left a party at 3am.
And, were it me, it would be held when it is LEAST convenient for him.
I've re-read the thread. Time to loose the "outside my parenting skills" nonsense, pull up the Parent Pants as far as they'll go, and quit tip-toeing around Wonder Boy the Athlete.
(Said to those reading along since the OP, I'll just assume, thinks I'm a meanie. Why yes. I am a meanie if Junior has gotten pulled over by the cops and it's not because they want to thank him for pulling a 80-year old woman from her burning house.)
It's a juvenile behavior. Really, really dangerous, but we all did stupid things. For certain this is not his first swig off the bottle.
Grab the keys; have the lecture; monitor his activities: grounding.
Skip the AA stuff. Don't share with the coach, but get him out of that environment when possible. Don't deal with the provider. Let him deal with the g/f.
This isn't the end of the world. It is a speed bump on the highway of life. Keep it in the family; don't engage outsiders. Maybe have him get a part time job (in lieu of the sports crap) and buy his own car and pay for his own insurance so he gets a taste of what a privilege it is to be able to have a car and drive various places.
No time like the present to cross the threshold into being an adult.
Thanks for those who provide useful posts like this. I wish I could give you ten reputation bumps.
While it is a seriously dangerous thing to do, some people do not seem to understand all driving is dangerous and can result in deaths. Driving after drinking is somewhat more dangerous, to extremely more dangerous depending on the level of drinking. It is not a guaranteed accident. Every driver who had drinks is not swerving all over the place, driving 100 mph or driving on the sidewalk (unless they are really toasted). Their reactions are slowed and their judgment is somewhat impaired. Some drunk people know they are impaired and drive more carefully than normal. While there is a slightly greater chance of causing an accident while slightly drunk, it is not a guaranteed result. It is still the same risk as driving normally, just a different degree. The horror stories we all hear about involve seriously drunk people. So as stated above, it is a speed bump. A seriously stupid thing and bad judgement, not the end of the world. At 00.02 it is not as dangerous as texting while driving and probably not as dangerous as talking on the phone while driving. My son is probably a better safer driver at 0.02 than my 83 year old dad is stone cold sober. His reactions are slow, his vision is bad, and sometimes he thinks kind of slowly, he makes mistakes while driving sometimes (used to be essentially never), gets confused sometimes, even passed out once. Although equally dangerous being old is not illegal, bueing drunk is, but there is no real logical reason for the distinction. For this reason, law enforcement reacts differently depending on the BAL. We have to keep things in perspective and avoid overreacting just because it is trendy to over-react. Certainly if he was driving over the speed limit, on the sidewalk, swerving, missed a stop sign failed to pull over or something similar, I woudl be more inclined to take more dramatic action. If he was three sheets to the wind, I would probably get him on anabuse. (A drug that makes people vomit madly if they drink alcohol).
He did buy his own car and he maintains it (we pay the insurance). He has a job at times (delivering pizza), but most of the money goes to gas and car parts. He cannot work during the racing season because they train twice a day and he runs in between. I am not going to discourage that. He may have to find time for a job somewhere because he will likely get hit with a substantial fine and I am not going to pay it.
His sport is very important to him. He is unusually dedicated to it and he went from fat and unhealthy video game fanatic, to healthy, muscled and much more confident in a matter of a couple of years. He improved his diet. His grades improved massively. While there is little or no likelihood of getting a scholarship he will definitely continue in college and it may help him with admissions at some colleges. He has dreams of trying out for the Olympic team eventually and his coaches say it is not an unrealistic dream. They have a couple of team state championships in his class and that helped boost his self esteem a lot (self esteem is a constant problem with teenagers). He has gotten to travel all over the US and Canada and that has been good for him too. What I do not like is it has made him somewhat popular and he hangs out with "populars" and jocks more often. (Easier to raise geeky music kids who hang out with other geeky music kids and are not all that popular).
And yes, we really do not believe that was his first drink, but we do know he does not regularly drink. While he does not hang out with the partier types, he has certainly been to parties where kids are drinking and he drives them home on occasions (because I told him to, even if they are kids he does not like). I do not know of any kid who has not been to parties where drinking occurred. I asked my daughter who just graduated how many kids in their school she thinks drink at parties and she said about 80%. Most of the kids he normally hangs out with are disgusted by his actions and either mad at him or somewhat distrustful of him. He realizes this was a big time screw up. It is probably a good thing he got caught instead of being left to believe it was no big deal and possibly doing it again. I hope his little brother does not learn of this, but it is unlikely he won't. That is a shame. He is little brother's hero and example. LB will be crushed.
My wife took him to see the judge early today to see if anything can be done about the court date. He was going to plead guilty, but the judge told him not to. He was released on personal bond with a curfew from Midnight to 6 a.m. and a provision allowing him to leave the country for the race. A date was set for arraignment and the judge said he could negotiate a deal with the township prosecutor at that time. We already put him on an 8 pm curfew (probably until he graduates), so the court curfew is meaningless. I am not sure why they did not tell the judge he needs to be out before 6 a.m. for practice, maybe he can just go a little late. The last race of the summer is next week anyway. there cannot be too many practices left.
His team already knows about this and they are ticked off at him. Not sure about the coach. Coach will have to be told. The judge said that he can go to Canada for the big race, but he must observe the curfew even there. I may see if I can go to Canada to keep an eye on him, it will be hard to get the time off on short notice though.
He has agreed to attend a couple of AA meetings. We want him to hear first hand how much drinking can ruin your life. We have a friend in AA who will bring him along. I am told they really know how to scare some sense into kids. Drunk driving is really really bad, but I do not want him drinking at all. he has too much to lose.
Last edited by Coldjensens; 07-30-2013 at 03:59 PM..
Thanks for those who provide useful posts like this. I wish I could give you ten reputation bumps.
While it is a seriously dangerous thing to do, some people do not seem to understand all driving is dangerous and can result in deaths. Driving after drinking is somewhat more dangerous, to extremely more dangerous depending on the level of drinking. It is not a guaranteed accident. Every driver who had drinks is not swerving all over the place, driving 100 mph or driving on the sidewalk (unless they are really toasted). Their reactions are slowed and their judgment is somewhat impaired. Some drunk people know they are impaired and drive more carefully than normal. While there is a slightly greater chance of causing an accident while slightly drunk, it is not a guaranteed result. It is still the same risk as driving normally, just a different degree. The horror stories we all hear about involve seriously drunk people. So as stated above, it is a speed bump. A seriously stupid thing and bad judgement, not the end of the world. At 00.02 it is not as dangerous as texting while driving and probably not as dangerous as talking on the phone while driving. For this reason, law enforcement reacts differently depending on the BAL. We have to keep things in perspective and avoid overreacting just because it is trendy to over-react. Certainly if he was driving over the speed limit, on the sidewalk, swerving, missed a stop sign failed to pull over or something similar, I woudl be more inclined to take more dramatic action. If he was three sheets to the wind, I would probably get him on anabuse. (A drug that makes people vomit madly if they drink alcohol).
He did buy his own car and he maintains it (we pay the insurance). He has a job at times (delivering pizza), but most of the money goes to gas and car parts. He cannot work during the racing season because they train twice a day and he runs in between. I am not going to discourage that. He may have to find time for a job somewhere because he will likely get hit with a substantial fine and I am not going to pay it.
His sport is very important to him. He is unusually dedicated to it and he went from fat and unhealthy video game fanatic, to healthy, muscled and much more confident in a matter of a couple of years. He improved his diet. His grades improved massively. While there is little or no likelihood of getting a scholarship he will definitely continue in college and it may help him with admissions at some colleges. He has dreams of trying out for the Olympic team eventually and his coaches say it is not an unrealistic dream. They have a couple of team state championships in his class and that helped boost his self esteem a lot (self esteem is a constant problem with teenagers). He has gotten to travel all over the US and Canada and that has been good for him too. What I do not like is it has made him somewhat popular and he hangs out with "populars" and jocks more often. (Easier to raise geeky music kids who hang out with other geeky music kids and are not all that popular).
And yes, we really do not believe that was his first drink, but we do know he does not regularly drink. While he does not hang out with the partier types, he has certainly been to parties where kids are drinking and he drives them home on occasions (because I told him to, even if they are kids he does not like). I do not know of any kid who has not been to parties where drinking occurred. I asked my daughter who just graduated how many kids in their school she thinks drink at parties and she said about 80%. Most of the kids he normally hangs out with are disgusted by his actions and either mad at him or somewhat distrustful of him. He realizes this was a big time screw up. It is probably a good thing he got caught instead of being left to believe it was no big deal and possibly doing it again. I hope his little brother does not learn of this, but it is unlikely he won't. That is a shame. He is little brother's hero and example. LB will be crushed.
My wife took him to see the judge early today to see if anything can be done about the court date. He was going to plead guilty, but the judge told him not to. He was released on personal bond with a curfew from Midnight to 6 a.m. and a provision allowing him to leave the country for the race. A date was set for arraignment and the judge said he could negotiate a deal with the township prosecutor at that time. We already put him on an 8 pm curfew (probably until he graduates), so the court curfew is meaningless. I am not sure why they did not tell the judge he needs to be out before 6 a.m. for practice, maybe he can just go a little late. The last race of the summer is next week anyway. there cannot be too many practices left.
His team already knows about this and they are ticked off at him. Not sure about the coach. Coach will have to be told. The judge said that he can go to Canada for the big race, but he must observe the curfew even there. I may see if I can go to Canada to keep an eye on him, it will be hard to get the time off on short notice though.
He has agreed to attend a couple of AA meetings. We want him to hear first hand how much drinking can ruin your life. We have a friend in AA who will bring him along. I am told they really know how to scare some sense into kids. Drunk driving is really really bad, but I do not want him drinking at all. he has too much to lose.
Ugh I don't like the AA thing. AA is actually a positive place where people share ways to live as a non drinker, they don't sit around talking war stories and scaring people. And they aren't exhibits. I suppose if your friend is taking him it's okay. I would personally prefer that he shares his personal experience one on one. I think that there's a chance that if he goes to an AA meeting he'll just feel okay about himself, because what the people there are going through will be so outside his frame of reference that he won't be able to relate.
His thinking could well end up being something along the lines of "well I'm not like that, so I've nothing to worry about".
Better to focus on the consequence of HIS actions, not something that will hopefully never befall him.
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