Outside myparenting skills. (wife, son, 17 year old, learn)
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While punishment is called for, my emphasis would be on making sure your son learns something from this experience. Hence all the steps I outlined in my previous post.
Whenever we punish our kids we say something like "Remind me why you are not allowed on the computer tonight" or "Why were you given extra chores this weekend?" Punishment just for the sake of punishment does no good.
You seem to have issues reading what you want to see instead of what is there. What I said is he is a good kid and that is one of the reasons the cops let him off easily, also it means he is not a problem kid (not like I was.).
I am sure he IS a good kid. That does not mean that this particular failure in judgement is not a pretty big deal. He needs a lesson, and the cops deferred that lesson to YOU since to this point you seemed to be doing a pretty good job. Make sure you drive that lesson, the seriousness of it, home. Given that is a decent kid, he will likely be receptive and learn it. And the family can go about its happy business without life altering consequences. The LAST thing you want to do is give him the false impression that this is kids being kids.
I've raised two girls, now 24 and 28, and to me the issue isn't necessarily the alcohol but the fact he got behind the wheel of a car. To me, that is direct PROOF this isn't his first rodeo. No kid drinks for the first time and jumps behind the wheel. He's worked up to it.
So to me, he's already lied to you, and even worse, you don't want to inconvenience yourself by taking his keys away??? Are you kidding me??? Who is the parent here?
You have to get it across to him in a BIGWAY so he will NEVER want to do that again, and there is NO better way than for you to have to drive him to school or football (if he is even allowed to continue doing THAT). Every time he gets in the passenger seat you have a chance to get on his case and complain about how if he'd not been a fool and drank and drive, you wouldn't have to cart him around. What kid wants to hear that everytime they get in the car?
I wouldn't involve the coach, but I would reportthat chick that bought them the booze, knowing they would have to drive home!!!
Be a parent, Dad!
Last edited by Jaded; 07-31-2013 at 09:59 PM..
Reason: Removed unnecessary words.
I had an agreement with DS. No questions asked, if he needed a ride home we would go get him and that was the end of the discussion meaning no punishment. He was also never to get into a car with another driver who had been drinking.
We had this too. However at 3 a.m. our phones were off,(won't do that again). He has not called, but he has driven friends home before and left his car and then asked us to bring him back to get his car in the morning. He is usually the DD because he does not drink - so much for that.
Since it was two or three miles away and he did not think he was feeling any effect, he decided he would drive home. I have not had the chance to ask why the heck he did not just run or walk home.
His entire team is really ticked at him. They are just ticked generally and even more so because his court date is when they were supposed to compete in Canada at the big race of the summer. They cannot race without him. If he gets put on probation, he may not be allowed to leave the country. That would be a huge blow. Most of the important races are in Canada.
I need to catch him when he is awake. Right now he is very isolated. His team mates are ticked and not very friendly to him, his siblings will not talk to him. He cannot go anywhere. He posted "I am an idiot" on his facebook page and his friend simply agreed. Not getting any sympathy, that is for sure. He has Mom to talk to, that is about it (he goes for training sometime between 4 and 6 a.m. then comes home, runs, dies chores takes a nap[, then goes tot he second training session then comes home and pretty much and goes to sleep, so he is gone when I get up and usually asleep when I get home).
The questions is where is the balance. How much more do we "ruin" his life over this. At some point he will merely become despondent and learn nothing, his grades will fail, and he will likely end up in more trouble, or just sulk in his room all day (been there). Not sure where the line between making a point and pushing him into depression is.
We had this too. However at 3 a.m. our phones were off,(won't do that again). He has not called, but he has driven friends home before and left his car and then asked us to bring him back to get his car in the morning. He is usually the DD because he does not drink - so much for that.
Since it was two or three miles away and he did not think he was feeling any effect, he decided he would drive home. I have not had the chance to ask why the heck he did not just run or walk home.
His entire team is really ticked at him. They are just ticked generally and even more so because his court date is when they were supposed to compete in Canada at the big race of the summer. They cannot race without him. If he gets put on probation, he may not be allowed to leave the country. That would be a huge blow. Most of the important races are in Canada.
I need to catch him when he is awake. Right now he is very isolated. His team mates are ticked and not very friendly to him, his siblings will not talk to him. He cannot go anywhere. He posted "I am an idiot" on his facebook page and his friend simply agreed. Not getting any sympathy, that is for sure. He has Mom to talk to, that is about it (he goes for training sometime between 4 and 6 a.m. then comes home, runs, dies chores takes a nap[, then goes tot he second training session then comes home and pretty much and goes to sleep, so he is gone when I get up and usually asleep when I get home).
The questions is where is the balance. How much more do we "ruin" his life over this. At some point he will merely become despondent and learn nothing, his grades will fail, and he will likely end up in more trouble, or just sulk in his room all day (been there). Not sure where the line between making a point and pushing him into depression is.
OP, I'm in the minority here, but I think you're handling it just fine. It sounds like your son is a good kid and a high achiever and if so, walking into court is going to be gut wrenching for him. That will carry more weight than any punishment you can mete out. If you can communicate with the prosecutor before hand, tell him that you want your son to learn a real lesson from this experience. It's a misdemeanor, but a big fine--that your son has to pay--might be in order. Ask the prosecutor to ask the judge to talk to your son very seriously in court. In addition to what you're already doing, I think the idea of his going somewhere to see what the effects of a drunk driver can be (a MADD meeting, or like someone suggested, a rehab hospital or something similar) would be a good idea.
Keep talking to him--if your schedules don't mesh, make time on the weekend. Tell him you know that everyone makes mistakes but some mistakes can have more serious consequences than others and that's why you have to come down on him so hard. I understand your concern about balance. The point of any action you take isn't to shame him, but to help him understand the the potential consequences of driving while intoxicated or distracted. Encourage him to tell you more about his alcohol use (without potential punishment for anything he tells you) so you know what you're dealing with.
Good luck to you. This is a tough lesson for your son, but an important one.
I never said nor implied it in any way lessens the severity of what he did. However you deal with different types of kids differently. A problem kid needs to be treated differently than one who has his act together.
Given that your son probably is a good kid I think you are on the right track with your plan. What he did wrong is serious and needs to be addressed. But if it is the first time he has had a problem you deal with it without going nuts on the kid. I am a big believer that the consequences of a child's actions be tied to what it is he did wrong. He abused his driving privileges so you are planning to restrict his driving privileges. He used alcohol so you want him to see the devastation that alcohol can bring to people by attending some AA meetings. I think you have a good plan.
Your son probably is a good kid. Good kid doesn't mean that he is perfect, or that he never does anything wrong. People on CD seem to think that in order to be a good kid the kid can never have a bad moment, make a bad decision, or just do something wrong.
My son's first experience with alcohol landed him in the hospital in Cleveland. He was 19 and just didn't know how to drink so he drank himself to the point where he had alcohol poisoning. We made him pay the deductible for the hospital bill and that was it. Maybe someone will jump on me and say "Do you really think that was his first experience?" Well-I don't know but it was an experience and sometimes experience is its own teacher.
That doesn't make him a bad kid. He still gets good grades, has the respect of his coaches and peers and is an overall good citizen. Good does not equal perfect. If your son has his act together I would continue to assume he will keep his act together. I would focus on what it is that he did wrong and I would continue the driving restrictions for a long time (maybe 6 months) because of the seriousness of the transgression. I wouldn't assume that he is a rotten kid because he made one mistake, even if it is a serious mistake.
The questions is where is the balance. How much more do we "ruin" his life over this. At some point he will merely become despondent and learn nothing, his grades will fail, and he will likely end up in more trouble, or just sulk in his room all day (been there). Not sure where the line between making a point and pushing him into depression is.
You aren't ruining his life, he is suffering the natural consequences of his own decision. Maybe he'll have a rough summer, big deal. In my experience, kids only fall into depression over what they perceive to be unjust punishment, and even then only if they are encouraged to feel like a victim. You son is not a victim of anything but himself.
I have a bit of experience with an underage drinking charge before a judge. One of my sons was camping with a group of friends. He had worked that day, so he had just arrived and was in the process of unpacking his car when the rangers showed up to do a spot check. One of the other kids, in an effort to hide them, threw some empty beer cans in my son's cooler. He, along with the owners of the beer coolers, was charged with underage drinking. He hadn't had a drop, but I'm not naive enough to think he wouldn't have at some point. He asked for a breathalizer, and was told they didn't have to give him one, as the amount of alcohol wasn't in question, just the possession of it.
We had no idea what to expect in court, and like you, were afraid it might affect his college plans, so we hired an attorney. The other kids showed up without one, and without even their parents. It made no difference, the judge didn't want to hear any excuses or explanations. All the kids got the same fine of about $600.00. On top of that, we had a $1200 bill from the lawyer. My son paid us back for the lawyer, and the kid who put the cans in his cooler, unbeknownst to us, worked all summer and showed up one night with the fine money.
So even though my son was technically innocent, he was held responsible for the company he kept. No depression at all, just a lesson learned.
BTW, I'm trying to figure out why a 17 yr old is allowed out till 3:00 am. Nothing good happens at that hour, and in our state it isn't even legal for a 17 yr old to drive past midnight.
We had this too. However at 3 a.m. our phones were off,(won't do that again). He has not called, but he has driven friends home before and left his car and then asked us to bring him back to get his car in the morning. He is usually the DD because he does not drink - so much for that.
Since it was two or three miles away and he did not think he was feeling any effect, he decided he would drive home. I have not had the chance to ask why the heck he did not just run or walk home.
His entire team is really ticked at him. They are just ticked generally and even more so because his court date is when they were supposed to compete in Canada at the big race of the summer. They cannot race without him. If he gets put on probation, he may not be allowed to leave the country. That would be a huge blow. Most of the important races are in Canada.
I need to catch him when he is awake. Right now he is very isolated. His team mates are ticked and not very friendly to him, his siblings will not talk to him. He cannot go anywhere. He posted "I am an idiot" on his facebook page and his friend simply agreed. Not getting any sympathy, that is for sure. He has Mom to talk to, that is about it (he goes for training sometime between 4 and 6 a.m. then comes home, runs, dies chores takes a nap[, then goes tot he second training session then comes home and pretty much and goes to sleep, so he is gone when I get up and usually asleep when I get home).
The questions is where is the balance. How much more do we "ruin" his life over this. At some point he will merely become despondent and learn nothing, his grades will fail, and he will likely end up in more trouble, or just sulk in his room all day (been there). Not sure where the line between making a point and pushing him into depression is.
It is not about ruining his life. It is about making sure he understands. It sounds like he does and is genuinely remorseful BUT the only link that may remain missing is not just that HE is suffering the consequences of his actions but that he understands the consequence that he was lucky enough to not have happen, the injury or death of another person or himself.
Maybe you can problem solve WITH him. Hey buddy, I need to KNOW that you understand the responsibility that comes with driving a car. How can you earn back my trust and your driving privileges. See what he has to say. Then in the conversation you can judge if he is whipping himself too hard or gets the message.
My 17 year-old nephew is the "good kid" non-drinker who was asked to smuggle alcohol on a school field trip because "no one will supect him". He was caught, and stripped of his valedictorian status, he also lost a small college scholarship given by the school. He used poor judgement, and what he did was wrong and against the rules. His parents could have gone to bat for him, but rather he learn the consequences of poor decision making now when the stakes are somewhat lower.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Coldjensens
His entire team is really ticked at him. They are just ticked generally and even more so because his court date is when they were supposed to compete in Canada at the big race of the summer. They cannot race without him. If he gets put on probation, he may not be allowed to leave the country. That would be a huge blow. Most of the important races are in Canada.
I need to catch him when he is awake. Right now he is very isolated. His team mates are ticked and not very friendly to him, his siblings will not talk to him. He cannot go anywhere. He posted "I am an idiot" on his facebook page and his friend simply agreed. Not getting any sympathy, that is for sure. He has Mom to talk to, that is about it (he goes for training sometime between 4 and 6 a.m. then comes home, runs, dies chores takes a nap[, then goes tot he second training session then comes home and pretty much and goes to sleep, so he is gone when I get up and usually asleep when I get home).
The questions is where is the balance. How much more do we "ruin" his life over this. At some point he will merely become despondent and learn nothing, his grades will fail, and he will likely end up in more trouble, or just sulk in his room all day (been there). Not sure where the line between making a point and pushing him into depression is.
I get that this is a very difficult situation for you, but minimizing consequences because you think this will be hard for him is the wrong way of looking at the situation IMO. Does he really understand what could have happened, and why everyone is concerned? I think exposing him to the consequences of drunk driving is a very good idea. I have a friend whose 18 year-old son went out with 3 17 year-olds. They were all drinking, he was driving. They had an accident, one child was killed, one passenger and the driver severely injured. The driver had a significant head injury. His life has been ruined by this, apart from a prison term, he deals every day with a significant IQ drop, and personality changes. The stakes are high.
However, the fact that the police are "partial to athletes" is disgusting.
I second this one. I look back at my youth and remember that the jocks were the biggest drinkers, as they could get away with it.
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It's about the DRIVING
