Outside myparenting skills. (punish, decent kid, weight, chores)

[mamacatnv]

I am a pretty lenient parent. My kids are 23 and 14. My DS was an athlete in high school and was subject to a contract. I saw on multiple occasions when a head was turned the other way when kids violated the contract and therefore I really don't hold much regard for them.

I would not contact the coach or anyone else.
Your DS consumed the alcohol and then got in his car and drove.

I had very few rules but the one I was the most adamant about was NO DRINKING AND DRIVING. I was never naïve enough to think my DS would not drink but I was adamant that the consequences for driving after drinking would be severe.

If this were my kid, the only issue I would be addressing is the choice he made to drive after drinking.
I would put him on strict car use (work/school only) for the rest of the summer and then I would be very careful about his driving himself to extracurriculars once school started. I have no tolerance for drinking and driving, it can be a death sentence not only for the driver but also for innocent victims and the fact that your son chose to drive after drinking says to me he is not ready to handle the responsibility of managing his own driving.

I had an agreement with DS. No questions asked, if he needed a ride home we would go get him and that was the end of the discussion meaning no punishment. He was also never to get into a car with another driver who had been drinking. I picked him up once when he had been drinking and I picked up a few friends of his more than once. We never wanted DS at the mercy of a teenage driver so either he drove himself of we played taxi. DS just graduated from college and periodically I would see a taxi bill on my credit card. I was always thankful to pay that bill.

IMO you need to stress to your son that drinking and driving will not be tolerated. He is lucky, he got off easy and no one got hurt but often, that is not the case. He needs to know that his choices could have had a far different outcome and if it were my kid I would make sure he knew that the trust I had has been broken and he is on notice that I am watching a lot closer, monitoring more and allowing less freedom. I would make sure he understands he did this to himself and only has himself to blame.

[Mattie]

After reading other responses on here, I went back and read the OP. You really do sound as though you are blaming a lot of people, and assigning responsibility to several other than your son.

If he is only 17, he somehow managed to get to school and practice without driving not too long ago. I think yanking the driving privileges for a while is indicated as a natural consequence of getting into a car after drinking. That, to me, is more egregious than underage drinking.

Let him pay for the gas necessary for either you or a friend to get him back and forth.

[stan4]

Yeah, sorry. In my house, he would have 100% lost the privilege of driving, as he has demonstrated that he does not respect the responsibility that comes with it.

[no kudzu]

I'm sorry I haven't read all the responses but I have a few comments.

I too think the fact the cops didn't give him a DUI is extremely irresponsible. They did not do your son a favor by failing to treat him like everybody else. Entitlement much?

I would do some if not all of these things.
2) Take him to a hospital, especially a spinal injury hospital or a nursing home and let him see the consequences of driving under the influence. Contact a facility and ask them if they could give your name and number to a family member of such an accident victim and tell them you request you and your son be allowed to talk to them and their loved one. I'll bet most parents would agree to helping you.

3) call a local junk yard and ask if they have a car involved in a DUI accident and if you could come see it. That could be quite sobering-pardon the pun.

4) call your auto insurance agent and ask him or her what would happen to your premiums if your son had been given a DUI. No need to tell him what happened-just explain you are trying to teach your son consequences. Then ask your son to explain how he would pay that new insurance premium.

5) Find a liability attorney who will give you some time -even if you ( or your son) have to pay- to explain the ins and outs of liability lawsuits and how this could ruin your entire family if a successful suit is brought against him( you).

6) Find a chapter of Mothers Against Drunk Drivers and attend a meeting. Perhaps you will find someone willing to talk to you both about how their lives were changed forever either by a drunk driver or one of their own family who was a drunk driver.

All of these suggestions are to ensure you that your son is scared straight and that it never happens again. I would not take this lightly. You all are extremely lucky noting worse happened. he may not be so lucky next time.

[LOL_Whut]

I wouldn't involved the coach or any "authorities" outside the family, since the kid's parents should be the ultimate authority.

There are a lot of good suggestions in this thread - I'd like to especially encourage you to FORCE your son to volunteer with disabled people, particularly those with paralysis or something that can easily result from DUI crashes. He should see what horrible damage can come from stupid decisions behind the wheel.

There is no teacher like experience, so have him experience what life is like for the seriously disabled.

[Hedgehog_Mom]

I think you were hoping you'd post on here and everyone would say, "No big deal. Kids do that all the time and they grow up to be just fine."

You need to take this seriously. Obviously for the legal side of things, you need to hire an attorney for him to make sure he doesn't end up with a criminal record that could affect his college admissions. He will probably be on probation for a while.

For the parenting side of things, you need to make this serious enough for him that he never, ever considers doing it again. It's not a matter of good kid vs. trouble kid or anything like that...a good kid is a sneaky kid whose parents don't know what kind of trouble he gets up to...obviously he's not that good of a kid or the police wouldn't be bringing him home at 3am. Just telling him you're disappointed isn't enough. Those cops could have been knocking on your door at 3am to tell you that your son was being scraped off the highway with a shovel, or that he was in jail for vehicular manslaughter.

I'm a meaner parent that you...if the cops brought my kid home and said they'd caught him driving drunk, I'd tell them to stick him in jail for the night.

[FinsterRufus]

I have a couple of concerns. One is that you seem to live in a place where the supposed "good kid" athletes are given a pass. Which is not good, imo, gives the idea that they can escape responsibility. That's the sort of culture that leads to girls getting taken advantage of when they're a bit tipsy, and everyone covering it up. I don't see there's much difference between that and cops "giving athletes a pass".

The fact that 94 percent of kids in his class drive drunk is terrifying. Drinking is one thing. But everyone knows that driving is the absolute worst thing you can do. Everyone.

The other thing is that I don't believe the punishment should be allowed to outshine the gravity of his actions - in other words, I think if the punishment becomes the focal point because it inconveniences the family or drags on and on, you actually forget what happened in the first place, because the punishment is the star of the show now and not the incident that caused it.

So, there needs to be some quiet reflection on his part while it sinks in what could have happened. And not in a cartoonish way that he can't relate to. I'm not sure how to achieve this - perhaps you could casually show stories in the press that pop up where people's lives are ruined, as they happen - give him jolts out of the blue to make sure he never forgets. I would hope it getting to the point where he got pulled over and is embarrassed by the public nature of his getting caught will give him enough pause.

[DewDropInn]

Originally Posted by Coldjensens

Do you even have teen age kids?

Not anymore. They're all grown adults and living lives that make their parents very proud.

If you don't like my version of "tell it like it is" you're welcome to ignore anything and everything I post. There's an ignore button. Feel free to use it if you don't like what I have to tell you because I don't believe in pulling punches. Especially when there's a kid out there who decided to drink and drive. Someone I love very much was t-boned by a drunk driver. His parents got the call no parent should ever have to get.

He'll never be the same and he and his family have to live with that every.single.day. I don't care that your son is a great athlete. I don't care what the coaches think of him. I do care that he's on the road with innocent people who are unaware that they're sharing the road with a 17-year old who chooses to drink and drive.

[malamute]

Originally Posted by Hedgehog_Mom

I would take his keys for the rest of the summer. He can take a bus or bicycle where he needs to go. Having him drive is a convenience for you but you may need to give that up while he learns his lesson.

Your son could have killed somebody, his friends, himself, or an innocent family. And then you would be making funeral arrangements or hiring a lawyer and hoping you don't lose everything you have. He's lucky he got pulled over as he was leaving the party, and before he could get out on the road and kill someone.

I drank when I was 18 (it was legal for me). My husband drank when he was underage. Neither of us ever drove when we had been drinking. To me, driving drunk is the far bigger issue than underage drinking.

I would also but the state I live in has zero tolerance for teen drivers and *any* alcohol will cost them their license. The DPS spells it out to the kid when they get their license, and I make sure the kid knows I support this policy 100%.

Also I don't want them learning to drink from their friends and peers, so I let them have an occasional beer or mixed drink early on -- that's what my dad did and it takes away some of the excitement. But -- if they have a beer, I can lecture them that they can only have it if they are going to be home for the night, and they get another short lecture on how stupid and needless it is to drive after drinking any amount.

Also car insurance is very expensive here and I keep them on my policy but remind them that I absolutely will not pay for them if I ever find out they drank and then drived. And if by some chance they did drink even one beer with friends, they can call me for a ride.

[malamute]

Originally Posted by Hedgehog_Mom

I think you were hoping you'd post on here and everyone would say, "No big deal. Kids do that all the time and they grow up to be just fine."

You need to take this seriously. Obviously for the legal side of things, you need to hire an attorney for him to make sure he doesn't end up with a criminal record that could affect his college admissions. He will probably be on probation for a while.

For the parenting side of things, you need to make this serious enough for him that he never, ever considers doing it again. It's not a matter of good kid vs. trouble kid or anything like that...a good kid is a sneaky kid whose parents don't know what kind of trouble he gets up to...obviously he's not that good of a kid or the police wouldn't be bringing him home at 3am. Just telling him you're disappointed isn't enough. Those cops could have been knocking on your door at 3am to tell you that your son was being scraped off the highway with a shovel, or that he was in jail for vehicular manslaughter.

I'm a meaner parent that you...if the cops brought my kid home and said they'd caught him driving drunk, I'd tell them to stick him in jail for the night.

I just went through that last night with an 18 year old. The police found his car in a weird place and ran the plates and checked it out and wondered why he wasn't in it and why it was parked where it was. He was with a friend and they were in a rural area and saw some wild animal they decided to chase -- for some odd reason.

The cops said there was no evidence of any alcohol, no drugs and it would have surprised me if they had -- but you never know -- and I would have gone along with them taking him to jail and I would not have bailed him out.