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I would rather *not * spank...I grew up with spankings and am also not completely opposed to it but I also think that it sends a funny message when we tell him not to hit other kids, his brother, etc and then I spank him.
I think it's perfectly easy for most kids to understand that voting, driving a car, staying up until midnight, etc. are things moms and dads do that they can't. It's no harder for them to understand the same about spanking.
If he does have OCD, routines and predictability are key. It would make sense that highly structured school days would be easier. People with OCD can find schedule changes and having too many options overwhelming.
Thanks. The wired-up brain and possible OCD issues both sound like him. He definitely has issues with control and having things be exactly the way he wants them to be. When he gets upset, he'll start trying to control everyone and everything around him with bossy commands and wanting us do things for him exactly the way he wants. If we give him choices, as per standard parenting advice, he'll start going back and forth on the options and getting more and more upset.
I do read to him before bed but not before naps usually, and sometimes it still doesn't help - he'll start getting up and jumping around after we've done the story and I've left...
You might want to get the help of a therapist. I'm NOT suggesting medication in any way shape or form or even that there's anything wrong with his wiring, but maybe help developing a plan for him (and you) to train his brain not to "sweat the small stuff" and to sort out the difference between important decisions and "low consequences" decisions. Is he a bit of a perfectionist?
FYI, I've got ADD, and I know that ADD/ADHD can cause those kinds of anxieties (as can OCD). But one can tend to get a little controlling because it's the only way to rein in the chaos in your brain. When you say that "choices" upset him, that tells me he might be having trouble processing the information around the pros and cons and organizing his thoughts into a structure he can interpret. I'm NOT diagnosing him at all, but I CAN relate to the things your saying about your son very well - that's all I'm saying. It's a possibility.
I wasn't diagnosed until I was almost 30 (and now realize that most of my mother's blood relations have some form of ADD/ADHD). It was very stressful going through life not understanding why I didn't react like other people and why some "easy" things were so impossible for me. But I also grew up able to do things "normal brained" people have a lot of difficulty with. In some ways I'm glad I wasn't diagnosed early because in the 80s, the standard was to medicate the ADD/ADHD kid out the wazoo, but I also wonder what my life would be like if I'd learned early on how to better harness my strengths rather than just to muscle through my weaknesses. I went to an Ivy League school, built a good career, developed a strong network of friends and family, and I've done some really cool things - but my life has been a bit "drifty" with a lot more trial and error than most people go through. I have a nice life (and don't use medication), but I think it was probably harder than it needed to be.
Also, as an adult I've found that meditation is immensely helpful, especially when I need to sleep. I don't know if there is any way to introduce a child to this, but it helps to quiet my high-anxiety brain. I wonder if there's a way to guide a kid through the process. It's something I dearly would love to introduce to my relative's 6-year-old genius in the making. Six is too young to be stressed, ya know?
Sorry - didn't mean to vomit so many thoughts at you :P
You might want to get the help of a therapist. I'm NOT suggesting medication in any way shape or form or even that there's anything wrong with his wiring, but maybe help developing a plan for him (and you) to train his brain not to "sweat the small stuff" and to sort out the difference between important decisions and "low consequences" decisions. Is he a bit of a perfectionist?
FYI, I've got ADD, and I know that ADD/ADHD can cause those kinds of anxieties (as can OCD). But one can tend to get a little controlling because it's the only way to rein in the chaos in your brain. When you say that "choices" upset him, that tells me he might be having trouble processing the information around the pros and cons and organizing his thoughts into a structure he can interpret. I'm NOT diagnosing him at all, but I CAN relate to the things your saying about your son very well - that's all I'm saying. It's a possibility.
I wasn't diagnosed until I was almost 30 (and now realize that most of my mother's blood relations have some form of ADD/ADHD). It was very stressful going through life not understanding why I didn't react like other people and why some "easy" things were so impossible for me. But I also grew up able to do things "normal brained" people have a lot of difficulty with. In some ways I'm glad I wasn't diagnosed early because in the 80s, the standard was to medicate the ADD/ADHD kid out the wazoo, but I also wonder what my life would be like if I'd learned early on how to better harness my strengths rather than just to muscle through my weaknesses. I went to an Ivy League school, built a good career, developed a strong network of friends and family, and I've done some really cool things - but my life has been a bit "drifty" with a lot more trial and error than most people go through. I have a nice life (and don't use medication), but I think it was probably harder than it needed to be.
Also, as an adult I've found that meditation is immensely helpful, especially when I need to sleep. I don't know if there is any way to introduce a child to this, but it helps to quiet my high-anxiety brain. I wonder if there's a way to guide a kid through the process. It's something I dearly would love to introduce to my relative's 6-year-old genius in the making. Six is too young to be stressed, ya know?
Sorry - didn't mean to vomit so many thoughts at you :P
No, thanks for sharing, it's definitely a very useful perspective and insight!
I doubt he has ADD because if anything his attention span is TOO good for his age, and always has been - he can be very intense and focused for long periods of time and has an amazing memory, both of which don't help when we need to redirect him. He is definitely a perfectionist though and does seem to have OCD tendencies, though I know lots of kids that age have these to an extent. My husband's side of the family also suffers with chronic anxiety, sleep issues and tendency to get stressed over minor things, which may be related.
Sorry OP - didn't mean to hijack your thread! Just it really resonated with me.
I think it's perfectly easy for most kids to understand that voting, driving a car, staying up until midnight, etc. are things moms and dads do that they can't. It's no harder for them to understand the same about spanking.
Well there's also evidence it lowers their IQs. Just sayin'.
Sorry all, I was out of internet service for a while. Thank you all SO much. We were giving too many chances and not holding the line with him like we should have been. Spanking just isnt necessary at this point and I dont think would really do any good. But the immediate consequences (time outs at this point) have worked so far. He started doing his thing in the car on the way home and immediately went to his room when we got home for time out, a long one. We took out his toys and bookshelf, leaving his bed. I have a feeling he will be spendng a lot of time in there the next couple days...
My first thought is that he needs immediate and meaningful consequences. Threatening to not take him to the park or whatever won't work.
I remember this stage well. I tried everything you mentioned and nothing seemed to work. It turned out my son has sensory processing disorder, and a lot of his "misbehaving" was actually sensory seeking. Don't jump the gun and assume something must be "wrong" with him, but it's possible.
I started a thread just like this one (different forum) and was told I was doing it all wrong. Someone even told me to make my preschooler do a military crawl, on his knees and elbows, and to make him wall-sit! My point is, I don't see anything you are doing so wrong, which is why I wonder if you child has a problem with impulsiveness, or something else underlying. Hang in there. Be consistent. Keep a predictable schedule. Give immediate consequences.
Yes, he does have some sensory issues and he is SUPER impulsive. I have a suspicion he is ADHD like his dad's side of the family but of course the wont dare talk about that at the doctor but thankfully he is NOT on the autism spectrum. So for sensory seeking...what did you do for your child to satisfy this?
I think it's perfectly easy for most kids to understand that voting, driving a car, staying up until midnight, etc. are things moms and dads do that they can't. It's no harder for them to understand the same about spanking.
I don't think that they do, and if left unattended I bet you they would sure try.
I have heard it said that some kids may act up due to 'boredom', or 'seeking attention'. From your description, he must be very intelligent and therefore he would get bored very easily. That would account for him being well behaved on structured days.
While I can appreciate and respect your very busy/hectic lifestyle (esp having another child in the home); how much one-on-one quality time do you or your husband spend with him? You mentioned going as a family to various venues, but that is not the one-on-one time I speak of.
To help alleviate boredom, my suggestion would be to get him involved in some projects: maybe building something (a bird house, a model car or plane) - and those would be excellent times to spend with Dad as he learns new things. What are his interests?
How much outdoor/exercise time does he have to work off excess energy; he may be physically wired up and needs to run off his steam.
Advising him beforehand to 'shape up' or 'he won't be able to do this or that' lets him know that he is in control of the situation and can make the choice to behave, or not behave. Four year olds are starting their feelings of wanting some independence, but he's too young to be making his own decisions about discipline.
If he is just deciding he thinks it's pretty neat to be in control, then you may have to resort to a spanking if all else fails; and a slap on the behind is NOT child abuse.
He is a very active, ACTIVE, boy. He is up and 100 miles an hour at 6:30am. He bores easily which is the opposite of the two year old. So on weekends when there is no school we usually have to plan our days out. Goodbye leisurely weekends! Just kidding.
In all seriousness though, if we arent out doing something by around 8 he is climbing the walls. Today I took him on an hour run (he rode his bike). Its good because he HAS to get outside and burn off the energy. I definitely try to do things just with him and so does dad. Dad took him kayaking today and they bad a blast. Soon as we got back in the car - BAM! He was at it again which is why he ended back up in time out when we got home.
I don't think anyone has mentioned diet, and while I doubt it is a major factor, it is something to consider. Does he eat a different breakfast on the weekend? Does he get more sugar and carbs on the weekend? Will a glass of milk bring his blood sugar down and help him gain control?
We had very bright daughter who would be unable to control herself once in a while (not often). One swat (with a hand) on her bottom would calm her down. It was always a last resort.
He eats the same thing for breakfast for the most part and its relatively healthy (I dont like stuff overloaded with sugar, theres no juice in my house even). But he barely eats.
Thank you for the book rec.
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