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My first thought is that he needs immediate and meaningful consequences. Threatening to not take him to the park or whatever won't work.
I remember this stage well. I tried everything you mentioned and nothing seemed to work. It turned out my son has sensory processing disorder, and a lot of his "misbehaving" was actually sensory seeking. Don't jump the gun and assume something must be "wrong" with him, but it's possible.
I started a thread just like this one (different forum) and was told I was doing it all wrong. Someone even told me to make my preschooler do a military crawl, on his knees and elbows, and to make him wall-sit! My point is, I don't see anything you are doing so wrong, which is why I wonder if you child has a problem with impulsiveness, or something else underlying. Hang in there. Be consistent. Keep a predictable schedule. Give immediate consequences.
I agree. Don't just take things away and then give them back after a certain amount of time. Give him a choice of punishment or correct the problem. Also, if he is punished, make sure he still corrects the issue before you let him off the hook.. I also agree that some of this may just be a phase that will pass, but that's no excuse not to correct bad behavior.
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In addition to the discipline advice already given, I want to say a word about the dog being "terrorized". Please, don't let this occur. Unlike you, the dog will only take so much, and the results could be tragic. Seriously.
Agree on both points. And it sounds like OP's kid is strong-willed and smart (which can be a hard combo to deal with), so she's going to have to be very consistent with him.
OP, you mentions he does okay on school days. How is his behavior at school? Does he get notes sent home or does he behave for the teachers? If he's doing okay at school, clearly he CAN regulate his behavior when he chooses, and maybe just needs you to be firmer with him. If he tends to meltdown on weekends, maybe you need to structure the weekends in a more predictable way so he can have a routine.
That's what we're dealing with as well with our 3,5 yo. Super strong-willed and stubborn, super smart (reading already). It's gotten much better from last year, but the craziness and meltdowns will rear their ugly heads as soon as he's even a bit tired or hungry - and lately it seems it's before every nap/bedtime and when he gets up because his blood sugar drops yet he won't eat, and he'll meltdown over everything and anything - and he seems incapable of calming himself. At this very moment, he's been screaming for over an hour and a half, because he refuses to put on his pajamas and nap. We've left him in his room (not locked) and told him we're not talking with him until he gets dressed. He was begging for us to come in saying he'll out them on - we gave him three chances yet he refused. He's been screaming for us to come up for 1.5 hours now, he's hoarse, yet he won't put on the goddamn pajamas. Can I start drinking yet?
That's what we're dealing with as well with our 3,5 yo. Super strong-willed and stubborn, super smart (reading already). It's gotten much better from last year, but the craziness and meltdowns will rear their ugly heads as soon as he's even a bit tired or hungry - and lately it seems it's before every nap/bedtime and when he gets up because his blood sugar drops yet he won't eat, and he'll meltdown over everything and anything - and he seems incapable of calming himself. At this very moment, he's been screaming for over an hour and a half, because he refuses to put on his pajamas and nap. We've left him in his room (not locked) and told him we're not talking with him until he gets dressed. He was begging for us to come in saying he'll out them on - we gave him three chances yet he refused. He's been screaming for us to come up for 1.5 hours now, he's hoarse, yet he won't put on the goddamn pajamas. Can I start drinking yet?
Please don't go upstairs now. If you do he will have learned, "if I scream for 1 1/2 hours straight I will get what I want" and will continue to scream for long periods of time.
I'm sure that he will fall asleep soon.
Think of what has been successful in the past to head off the melt down before it happens and try that again.
Singing, "This is way we put on our pajamas,...", or being silly (you try to put on the pajamas), or don't require pajamas at all (my children never put on PJs for naps, & they certainly don't do that at day care) for naps.
Maybe a special routine, perhaps with a picture & word chart,
1. Drink juice
2. Go potty
3. Put on PJs
4. Hug stuffed animal
5. Take a nap (or go to sleep).
For some kids, if it is written down, it is like the Ten Commandments, It must be obeyed. It may work for your child.
Please don't go upstairs now. If you do he will have learned, "if I scream for 1 1/2 hours straight I will get what I want" and will continue to scream for long periods of time.
I'm sure that he will fall asleep soon.
Think of what has been successful in the past to head off the melt down before it happens? Singing, "This is way we put on our pajamas,...", or being silly (you try to put on the pajamas, or don't require pajamas at all (my children never put on PJs for naps, & they certainly don't do that at day care) for naps.
The thing is, the pajamas are just an excuse. He's never had an issue with putting them on before, but then it'd be something else - he wants the blinds open, then closed, then open, the door open, mama come in, no daddy come in, no he wants to talk to mama. Anything can set him off. We said he can sleep without pajamas, didn't help. He'll start coming up with those ridiculous requests and then when we refuse he'll start getting more and more worked up until he's completely hysterical. It doesn't seem as if he's screaming JUST to wear us down; he really seems to be unable to control himself at that moment, and nothing will get him to stop. It's clearly tied to being either tired or hungry, but it's often unavoidable. I'm thinking of getting him checked out; being that hysterical for that long doesn't seem normal to me.
The thing is, the pajamas are just an excuse. He's never had an issue with putting them on before, but then it'd be something else - he wants the blinds open, then closed, then open, the door open, mama come in, no daddy come in, no he wants to talk to mama. Anything can set him off. We said he can sleep without pajamas, didn't help. He'll start coming up with those ridiculous requests and then when we refuse he'll start getting more and more worked up until he's completely hysterical. It doesn't seem as if he's screaming JUST to wear us down; he really seems to be unable to control himself at that moment, and nothing will get him to stop. It's clearly tied to being either tired or hungry, but it's often unavoidable. I'm thinking of getting him checked out; being that hysterical for that long doesn't seem normal to me.
When I was very small, I had a lot of illogical fears. Basically, I was convinced the world was ending. You might want to ask him about his fears or any nightmares that might be occurring. He could have some sort of OCD issue going on as well, which I believe was partly my problem. But I like the earlier poster's idea of giving him a routine to wind him down. And as I mentioned in an earlier post, I know from personal experience that it can be very very hard to shut your brain down when you're a small child with a lot of IQ points banging around in your head. Does he have a story time before he goes to bed? Giving him a story to think about might provide a train of thought that could soothe him to sleep. My father used to tell me stories about his childhood, which was full of hunting and fishing, crazy camping stories, unstable horses and hound dogs. It was wonderful stuff to fall asleep to.
And it's worked for me. One of my exes had a son who was emotionally disturbed and who would fly off the handle when bedtime got close - just become very angry and obstreperous. I would read to him for a little bit, something light and funny, and rub his back. It calmed him down enough that he'd get drowsy.
But I've noticed that kids can wail for a LOOOOOOONG time. My cousin has a daughter who can bring the house down for HOURS. It's actually kind of awe inspiring.
I have heard it said that some kids may act up due to 'boredom', or 'seeking attention'. From your description, he must be very intelligent and therefore he would get bored very easily. That would account for him being well behaved on structured days.
While I can appreciate and respect your very busy/hectic lifestyle (esp having another child in the home); how much one-on-one quality time do you or your husband spend with him? You mentioned going as a family to various venues, but that is not the one-on-one time I speak of.
To help alleviate boredom, my suggestion would be to get him involved in some projects: maybe building something (a bird house, a model car or plane) - and those would be excellent times to spend with Dad as he learns new things. What are his interests?
How much outdoor/exercise time does he have to work off excess energy; he may be physically wired up and needs to run off his steam.
Advising him beforehand to 'shape up' or 'he won't be able to do this or that' lets him know that he is in control of the situation and can make the choice to behave, or not behave. Four year olds are starting their feelings of wanting some independence, but he's too young to be making his own decisions about discipline.
If he is just deciding he thinks it's pretty neat to be in control, then you may have to resort to a spanking if all else fails; and a slap on the behind is NOT child abuse.
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Originally Posted by Copsgirl73
We have tried trying to get a jump start to a good day by saying "today if all goes well we will go to the pool" for example, but I almost wonder if that actually backfires and sets him up to fail. We can repreatedly remind him "if you dont listen today we cant go to the pool" and he now will actually say "ok, I dont want to go" back to us....which is odd because something like going to the pool is his favorite thing to do.
I have noticed, the more structure the better behaved. Like preschool days when he is on a schedule. Weekends have become almost dreaded here because by 7am he is wound up and he starts to get involved in mischief when he KNOWS it will get him in time out.
When I was very small, I had a lot of illogical fears. Basically, I was convinced the world was ending. You might want to ask him about his fears or any nightmares that might be occurring. He could have some sort of OCD issue going on as well, which I believe was partly my problem. But I like the earlier poster's idea of giving him a routine to wind him down. And as I mentioned in an earlier post, I know from personal experience that it can be very very hard to shut your brain down when you're a small child with a lot of IQ points banging around in your head. Does he have a story time before he goes to bed? Giving him a story to think about might provide a train of thought that could soothe him to sleep. My father used to tell me stories about his childhood, which was full of hunting and fishing, crazy camping stories, unstable horses and hound dogs. It was wonderful stuff to fall asleep to.
And it's worked for me. One of my exes had a son who was emotionally disturbed and who would fly off the handle when bedtime got close - just become very angry and obstreperous. I would read to him for a little bit, something light and funny, and rub his back. It calmed him down enough that he'd get drowsy.
But I've noticed that kids can wail for a LOOOOOOONG time. My cousin has a daughter who can bring the house down for HOURS. It's actually kind of awe inspiring.
Thanks. The wired-up brain and possible OCD issues both sound like him. He definitely has issues with control and having things be exactly the way he wants them to be. When he gets upset, he'll start trying to control everyone and everything around him with bossy commands and wanting us do things for him exactly the way he wants. If we give him choices, as per standard parenting advice, he'll start going back and forth on the options and getting more and more upset.
I do read to him before bed but not before naps usually, and sometimes it still doesn't help - he'll start getting up and jumping around after we've done the story and I've left...
I don't think anyone has mentioned diet, and while I doubt it is a major factor, it is something to consider. Does he eat a different breakfast on the weekend? Does he get more sugar and carbs on the weekend? Will a glass of milk bring his blood sugar down and help him gain control?
We had very bright daughter who would be unable to control herself once in a while (not often). One swat (with a hand) on her bottom would calm her down. It was always a last resort.
And maybe this book - The Gifted Kids' Survival Guide: For Ages 10 & Under [Paperback]
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