Trouble Handling My Teenage Children (attorney, legal, out of control, support)
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At least I can see I'm not alone with kids who want to "throw parents away".
I have such difficulities with both my son and daughter, both 16. (No, not twins, they were adopted).
It seems the system empowers them. My DS has been telling me that now he's 16, he can do what he wants. Sorry, that's 18! My dd was found drunk on a park bench about 3 am, police brought her home. They actually gave ME the "talk" listen, don't yell at her, don't even talk to her, just let her sleep it off---then I heard the cop telling DD, well, look, everyone gets drunk once in awhile.....hey, look, this wasn't "a little drunk" she was wandering the park at 3 am, drunk as a skunk---and I didn't even know she was gone. I wold have expected police to lecture her, not me---she had put herself in very real danger, being vunerable like that, and no one knowing where she was or even that she was missing! And what about underage drinking, and public intoxication? They just brushed that aside.
Several months ago, DD stole my car! She doesn't even have a driver's license! I went to go to the store and my car was missing, called to report a stolen car, then, she comes back driving the car thinking I wasn't home! Police thought it was cute! Apparently she had been driving my car for sometime without my knowledge or permission, but police just brushed it off. Not even a lecture or stern warning, nothing about what could have happened for driving a stolen vehicle, no license, no insurance.......WTH are police for, to encourage kids to do at they please?
My DS also likes to give me a hard time. It is like the OP, a quarrel starts over chores, then he stomps out, then is gone 2-3 days. He probably stays at a friend's house. He tells us he can leave home whenever he wishes, he doesn't have to obey us, and he can function on his own. Ok, then, do it!
Whoever he is couch surfing with will get sick of him, especially when they see the food bill! There again, DS has been egged on by the "system", school counselors, etc, telling him what his "options" are. He can't just treat us like dirt but we have to support him. Hey, that's what we ARE doing.
Not to mention both kids make a habit out of stealing our credit cards and running up bills! We do everything but sleep with the credit cards tied around our backside, they manage to find them and run up charges, both at stores and online. We even reported the kids for credit card theft. Ok, here's what happened---both kids were charged with cc theft. Then, they had to go to juvenile court. Under Texas state law, parents have to provide their minor children with legal counsel if the children are charged with a crime. So, both kids went to court, and WE got slapped with a $1000 bill for legal fees, in addition to $200 for court costs. Then, both kids got probation for 6 months WE, the parents, had to pay probation fees of $50/month/kid = $600----that's in addition to the attorney fees! And we all had to go to counseling, for which we had to take off from work and nearly lost our jobs. Meanwhile, kids didn't have any consequences.....they still steal from us any chance they get. They even told us---looks like YOU have learned your lesson---turn us in and you pay for it! Sadly, they are right!
OP, sounds like your daughter has thrown you away, and that's all there is to it. Don't beat up on yourself for what you might have done wrong, and don't try to bring her back. She's gone. Get used to it. That's how it works sometimes, despite the best parenting situations, some kids just don't want/need parents. But I would NOT give her money for emergencies, etc. Like someone else said, she wants independence, she can have it.
I have high hopes and plans for both my kids to attend college. Our plan was to let them live at home rent-free, while attending local college, and help as much as we can with tuition, etc. They want to run off and spend their life on someone's couch, well, then, so be it. Perhaps being a bum is their preferred lifestyle.
I guess you have to come to a realization that the children you are raising have different life goals, aspirations, values, etc. You can't really change them. My kids are adopted, but other posters children with similar problems are their birth-children, so guess being adopted doesn't necessairly factor in. It is painful, when you love a child so much and want only the best for them, and their main goal seems to be to throw you away!
I've been told for years that my kids are in a "phase", but its been too long now to excuse anything as a phase. They just don't like/want me. Once you come to that conclusion, well, its not any less painful, but becomes bearable.
HTH!
Last edited by Jaded; 07-18-2013 at 04:19 PM..
Reason: Added split notice
At least I can see I'm not alone with kids who want to "throw parents away".
I have such difficulities with both my son and daughter, both 16. (No, not twins, they were adopted).
It seems the system empowers them. My DS has been telling me that now he's 16, he can do what he wants. Sorry, that's 18! My dd was found drunk on a park bench about 3 am, police brought her home. They actually gave ME the "talk" listen, don't yell at her, don't even talk to her, just let her sleep it off---then I heard the cop telling DD, well, look, everyone gets drunk once in awhile.....hey, look, this wasn't "a little drunk" she was wandering the park at 3 am, drunk as a skunk---and I didn't even know she was gone. I wold have expected police to lecture her, not me---she had put herself in very real danger, being vunerable like that, and no one knowing where she was or even that she was missing! And what about underage drinking, and public intoxication? They just brushed that aside.
Several months ago, DD stole my car! She doesn't even have a driver's license! I went to go to the store and my car was missing, called to report a stolen car, then, she comes back driving the car thinking I wasn't home! Police thought it was cute! Apparently she had been driving my car for sometime without my knowledge or permission, but police just brushed it off. Not even a lecture or stern warning, nothing about what could have happened for driving a stolen vehicle, no license, no insurance.......WTH are police for, to encourage kids to do at they please?
My DS also likes to give me a hard time. It is like the OP, a quarrel starts over chores, then he stomps out, then is gone 2-3 days. He probably stays at a friend's house. He tells us he can leave home whenever he wishes, he doesn't have to obey us, and he can function on his own. Ok, then, do it!
Whoever he is couch surfing with will get sick of him, especially when they see the food bill! There again, DS has been egged on by the "system", school counselors, etc, telling him what his "options" are. He can't just treat us like dirt but we have to support him. Hey, that's what we ARE doing.
Not to mention both kids make a habit out of stealing our credit cards and running up bills! We do everything but sleep with the credit cards tied around our backside, they manage to find them and run up charges, both at stores and online. We even reported the kids for credit card theft. Ok, here's what happened---both kids were charged with cc theft. Then, they had to go to juvenile court. Under Texas state law, parents have to provide their minor children with legal counsel if the children are charged with a crime. So, both kids went to court, and WE got slapped with a $1000 bill for legal fees, in addition to $200 for court costs. Then, both kids got probation for 6 months WE, the parents, had to pay probation fees of $50/month/kid = $600----that's in addition to the attorney fees! And we all had to go to counseling, for which we had to take off from work and nearly lost our jobs. Meanwhile, kids didn't have any consequences.....they still steal from us any chance they get. They even told us---looks like YOU have learned your lesson---turn us in and you pay for it! Sadly, they are right!
OP, sounds like your daughter has thrown you away, and that's all there is to it. Don't beat up on yourself for what you might have done wrong, and don't try to bring her back. She's gone. Get used to it. That's how it works sometimes, despite the best parenting situations, some kids just don't want/need parents. But I would NOT give her money for emergencies, etc. Like someone else said, she wants independence, she can have it.
I have high hopes and plans for both my kids to attend college. Our plan was to let them live at home rent-free, while attending local college, and help as much as we can with tuition, etc. They want to run off and spend their life on someone's couch, well, then, so be it. Perhaps being a bum is their preferred lifestyle.
I guess you have to come to a realization that the children you are raising have different life goals, aspirations, values, etc. You can't really change them. My kids are adopted, but other posters children with similar problems are their birth-children, so guess being adopted doesn't necessairly factor in. It is painful, when you love a child so much and want only the best for them, and their main goal seems to be to throw you away!
I've been told for years that my kids are in a "phase", but its been too long now to excuse anything as a phase. They just don't like/want me. Once you come to that conclusion, well, its not any less painful, but becomes bearable.
Yes, yes, we've given them all the consequences we can. We finally turned to the law for consequences, and we got nailed, instead. We tried reporting them as runaways, cops told us WE would end up paying their fines, etc, just like the above example.
The only thing we can do is change the locks. If they are out after midnight, we lock up and go to bed. they can sleep on the porch 'till morning.
I just don't get it, why they think they can run off and come and go whenever they please, steal my car, steal our credit cards..........
Yes, yes, we've given them all the consequences we can. We finally turned to the law for consequences, and we got nailed, instead. We tried reporting them as runaways, cops told us WE would end up paying their fines, etc, just like the above example.
The only thing we can do is change the locks. If they are out after midnight, we lock up and go to bed. they can sleep on the porch 'till morning.
I just don't get it, why they think they can run off and come and go whenever they please, steal my car, steal our credit cards..........
That's sad about kids stealing their own parents' credit cards. I almost can't imagine how hurtful that would be. I fairly often give my kids my credit cards if they need to borrow money for gas or want to order something on line and pay me back. They add me to their bank account so it's easier to transfer money back to me. I can leave a $20 bill around and can expect it will be there. It would be impossible to live with thieves.
Yes, yes, we've given them all the consequences we can. We finally turned to the law for consequences, and we got nailed, instead. We tried reporting them as runaways, cops told us WE would end up paying their fines, etc, just like the above example.
The only thing we can do is change the locks. If they are out after midnight, we lock up and go to bed. they can sleep on the porch 'till morning.
I just don't get it, why they think they can run off and come and go whenever they please, steal my car, steal our credit cards..........
You don't "get it"? How do you not get it? You are their parent.
Perhaps it's time to get help for YOU, yourself, and stop acting as if the children were raised by someone else and you have absolutely no hand in how they behave, and have behaved, for a number of years now.
My dd was found drunk on a park bench about 3 am, police brought her home.
How did she get out? Do you have an alarm system at home? Maybe it's time for a home security system. Do not give the kids the alarm code. If she opens the door or window to get out your alarm will go off.
What are YOU doing to monitor her behavior so that she cannot sneak out on her own? This is your responsibility. I understand that you did not know and did not suspect that she would sneak out but now that she has you need to do something about it.
Quote:
Originally Posted by MaryleeII
Several months ago, DD stole my car! She doesn't even have a driver's license! I went to go to the store and my car was missing, called to report a stolen car, then, she comes back driving the car thinking I wasn't home!
It should not be difficult for you and your husband to keep track of all of your car keys. Keep the extra keys with you, or buy a safe and keep them locked in the safe. Problem solved. It is not your fault that she took the car the first time, but if she does it again, that is your fault. It is not that difficult to keep track of car keys.
Quote:
Originally Posted by MaryleeII
My DS also likes to give me a hard time. It is like the OP, a quarrel starts over chores, then he stomps out, then is gone 2-3 days.
I would call the police every single time he is missing.
Quote:
Originally Posted by MaryleeII
Not to mention both kids make a habit out of stealing our credit cards and running up bills!
Cancel the cards. Get new ones and keep them locked in a safe when they are not in your possession. Once they know the numbers they don't actually need the physical cards to charge things online so you need to get new ones with different numbers and keep them out of your kids hands. This is not that difficult to do.
Quote:
Originally Posted by MaryleeII
And we all had to go to counseling, for which we had to take off from work and nearly lost our jobs. Meanwhile, kids didn't have any consequences.....they still steal from us any chance they get. They even told us---looks like YOU have learned your lesson---turn us in and you pay for it! Sadly, they are right!
YOU are the one who is supposed to impose consequences on your kids.
Quote:
Originally Posted by MaryleeII
I have high hopes and plans for both my kids to attend college. Our plan was to let them live at home rent-free, while attending local college, and help as much as we can with tuition, etc. They want to run off and spend their life on someone's couch, well, then, so be it. Perhaps being a bum is their preferred lifestyle.
Why would you pay for college for kids who are out of control? When they turn 18, or graduate from HS have them evicted. You do not have to support them any longer than required by law.
Can you hide or lock up your credit cards? What about a fraud alert for the cards, to ensure that only you and your husband can use them?
Can you hide or lock up your car keys?
It sounds like the system in Texas functions under the premise that parents are going to either control their children or suffer the consequences of their children's actions. That sounds fair -- unless, try as you might, you just can't control your kids.
I'm not sure what to tell you. It sounds like one of those behavioral boot camps or boarding schools may be in order. Unfortunately, it sounds like they are very troubled.
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