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Who asserted that you would or should? If you don't want to teach your daughter to take precautions around men she doesn't know that's your perogative, but for those of us who do it doesn't mean intimate relationships and marriage are out of the picture. It's a matter of discerning.
I don't think you really can be discerning when it comes to men who are abusers. The nicest, most well mannered men can do things that absolutely shock you. A few years ago my oldest son told me that one of the coaches at his school was sending inappropriate text messages to the girls who were his team managers. If you knew this coach you would be absolutely shocked. He is a well mannered, well groomed man around 30 years old. His father is a preacher. He was a security guard and coach. He has a wife and a child who he used to bring to school events.
I don't think you can discern. This guy left our school once he was found out and was hired by another school in the area (as a coach and security guard). Within the school year he was let go from that job. We found out that he was doing the same thing at that school as our school. If you met this guy you would not believe it.
One of the girls told him that he should NEVER text her about anything other than team matters. The second girl told one of the other coaches. What saved them from abuse was knowing how to handle the situation when it arrived, NOT being sheltered from men. I understand it is different with younger kids but you can, and should teach your children what behavior is unacceptable (no touching any parts covered by your bathing suit, no keeping secrets from parents, etc.).
IMO it is more important to teach your children boundaries and acceptable behavior than it is to try to be discerning.
I do think that teaching girls that all men are potential abusers can affect a woman's future intimate relationships.
It's been my experience that people who believe they have sanitized their environment don't think they need to give their children skills to protect themselves. Kids need those skills around strangers and around close friends and family because you just never know. One can use one's mad keyboard psychology skills to try and weed out the rotten eggs, but that's very risky IMO.
That discernment being based on gender is a Big Fat Mistake.
That's what's difficult and like I said earlier I have no idea how to profile men I don't know, so I just avoid situations that could present risk. I'm not sure why that is deemed extreme or out of line by some of you.
How do you profile women you don't know to eliminate the risks that they pose to your children?
Seriously. I think you've got something there. You mention "stereotype", but add a reference to factual "rates of male perpetrators" too.
In a few years my son will be learning to drive. Hopefully we can avoid a female driving instructor. I'd like him to learn to drive well.
Boys perform better in science, so I better avoid any female doctors. I guess a female nurse would be ok.
Women in the military? Only in non-combat roles and positions where they don't have to make important decisions. They get too emotional and you know they wouldn't be able to keep a secret. Can you imagine a woman president? Ugh.
Well, I can say this. After 10 years of working in policing (and my husband still does), we've encountered enough stereotypes to make the decision to only hire female caregivers. It's a choice I made and I'm fine with it. I fully admit it is a stereotype and yes, I may be eliminating an excellent male caregiver, but I can't get over the anxiety of what I have seen. Yes, seen, not heard or read about on TV or internet articles. It wrecks your mind for life and you lose faith in the world!
I know well enough most people have simple good intentions. Growing up, I had an elderly (male) neighbour who used to invite me and my little sister in his basement for candy. Actually, it really was just candy. He was such a sweet old man and I was very sad when he died of old age. I'm sure many people thought he was a pervert but he was just lonely and nice.
It's just an unfortunate thing some scout leaders, priests, and sickos have ruined for those of us guys who are lumped in the chester the molester category. I'm a SAHD and even taking my OWN out I often feel like I'm in a woman's world what with all the female nannies and moms around us all day. I try NOT to engage other people's kids too much just because of the stigma. I remember in my early 20's I was at a laundromat and finished my laundry gave some kid who was nearby the extra quarters to play video games as I was folding and their mom came up to me "did you give this to my child." Me being an idiot I thought she was coming over to thank me. It never occurred to me that I might be perceived as a sex offender setting up a dubious spiders' web in a public laundromat. I just thought I was giving a kid 5 minutes of MS Pac-Man. I've been very conscious since then and try to end conversations with other people's children quickly and politely and try to steer them toward talking to my kid instead.
It's just an unfortunate thing some scout leaders, priests, and sickos have
ruined for those of us guys who are lumped in the chester the molester category.
I'm a SAHD and even taking my OWN out I often feel like I'm in a woman's world
what with all the female nannies and moms around us all day. I try NOT to
engage other people's kids too much just because of the stigma. I remember in
my early 20's I was at a laundromat and finished my laundry gave some kid who
was nearby the extra quarters to play video games as I was folding and their mom
came up to me "did you give this to my child." Me being an idiot I thought she
was coming over to thank me. It never occurred to me that I might be perceived
as a sex offender setting up a dubious spiders' web in a public laundromat. I
just thought I was giving a kid 5 minutes of MS Pac-Man. I've been very
conscious since then and try to end conversations with other people's children
quickly and politely and try to steer them toward talking to my kid instead.
Not a SAHD here, but I am saddened at much of what I'm reading from women posters.
I used to be a Boy Scout Leader, but I've gotten out of it. Part of it just that my son got his "Eagle" and outgrew scouting. However, my service unit wanted me to remain as assistant scoutmaster in a troop and even if I didn't do that I could have remained as a merit badge counselor for a series of merit badges.
One major reason I got completely out of it was that I have always been conscience of the risk involved in being falsely accused of touching or molesting a child. My analysis of this kind of accusation is that it is ruinous even if it is totally unfounded. No one who has this accusation made against them is ever entirely perceived by those who know about the accusation as "innocent". It doesn't matter if there were five eyewitnesses present who can contradict the accuser's statements. It doesn't matter if the police rule the accusation "unfounded".
The scouts now have all kinds of rules set up because such accusations get made. Of courses, sometimes, they are legitimate and need to be dealt with. We had rules which required at least two adults to be simultaneously present during activities. The only problem is that it can be a hard rule to utilize at times. Many men cannot (or will not) take time off work to come to scout camp in the summer. The worst ones would promise they would attend activities and than not show up. You could choose to end the activity, but sometimes that is hard if you are 250 miles away from home at a scout summer camp. I finally just decided that as much as I enjoyed working with young people, I simply could not take these risks. Perhaps, I should consider myself fortunate that nothing happened during the four years I was a scout leader.
I've concluded that there is a great deal of paranoia about men on the part of certain groups. I think some people really believe that a man who chooses to work in scouting or in a church group setting with young people is a likely candidate to be a child molester. Why would he seek such a position? Doesn't he deserve "special scrutiny"? If someone makes an accusation, it would have to be true wouldn't it?
These posts I've read in response to the OP who wants to be an Au Pair make me sad. Too many women simply say "no way". Logical responses would be: 1. I would want a thorough police background check; 2. I would want to talk to several references; 3. I would want to make sure my children would report any inappropriate behavior.
The same group that would be outraged if I were to suggest that women are "unsuited" for certain jobs because of their behavior in and around their monthly period or because of their "lack of physical strength". Yet, they think nothing of automatically deeming a man unqualified for work involving children or young people. I really expected better than this out of some of the posters. For that matter, I bet I could show hard data that proves women are more likely to be guilty of child neglect than men are or perhaps even child abuse. If we break these numbers down it probably has to do with the fact that women are simply around children more than men are. Yet, the data is correct.
The same group that would be outraged if I were to suggest that women are "unsuited" for certain jobs because of their behavior in and around their monthly period or because of their "lack of physical strength". Yet, they think nothing of automatically deeming a man unqualified for work involving children or young people.
Not a SAHD here, but I am saddened at much of what I'm reading from women posters.
I used to be a Boy Scout Leader, but I've gotten out of it. Part of it just that my son got his "Eagle" and outgrew scouting. However, my service unit wanted me to remain as assistant scoutmaster in a troop and even if I didn't do that I could have remained as a merit badge counselor for a series of merit badges.
One major reason I got completely out of it was that I have always been conscience of the risk involved in being falsely accused of touching or molesting a child. My analysis of this kind of accusation is that it is ruinous even if it is totally unfounded. No one who has this accusation made against them is ever entirely perceived by those who know about the accusation as "innocent". It doesn't matter if there were five eyewitnesses present who can contradict the accuser's statements. It doesn't matter if the police rule the accusation "unfounded".
The scouts now have all kinds of rules set up because such accusations get made. Of courses, sometimes, they are legitimate and need to be dealt with. We had rules which required at least two adults to be simultaneously present during activities. The only problem is that it can be a hard rule to utilize at times. Many men cannot (or will not) take time off work to come to scout camp in the summer. The worst ones would promise they would attend activities and than not show up. You could choose to end the activity, but sometimes that is hard if you are 250 miles away from home at a scout summer camp. I finally just decided that as much as I enjoyed working with young people, I simply could not take these risks. Perhaps, I should consider myself fortunate that nothing happened during the four years I was a scout leader.
I've concluded that there is a great deal of paranoia about men on the part of certain groups. I think some people really believe that a man who chooses to work in scouting or in a church group setting with young people is a likely candidate to be a child molester. Why would he seek such a position? Doesn't he deserve "special scrutiny"? If someone makes an accusation, it would have to be true wouldn't it?
These posts I've read in response to the OP who wants to be an Au Pair make me sad. Too many women simply say "no way". Logical responses would be: 1. I would want a thorough police background check; 2. I would want to talk to several references; 3. I would want to make sure my children would report any inappropriate behavior.
The same group that would be outraged if I were to suggest that women are "unsuited" for certain jobs because of their behavior in and around their monthly period or because of their "lack of physical strength". Yet, they think nothing of automatically deeming a man unqualified for work involving children or young people. I really expected better than this out of some of the posters. For that matter, I bet I could show hard data that proves women are more likely to be guilty of child neglect than men are or perhaps even child abuse. If we break these numbers down it probably has to do with the fact that women are simply around children more than men are. Yet, the data is correct.
Good post.
I know for me (and so probably many other women too), I have strong irrational fears about men being child abusers (had these fears ever since I was a child) and that makes it hard for me to trust men around my daughter. Even with my BF, I worried and agonised for a long time about letting him be alone with my daughter. But I know these fears are irrational as most men aren't child abusers so I'm trying hard to trust more and am determined not to pass on these fears to my daughter. But I do think this may be a reason why some woman would say 'no way'.
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