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So last night, my son went on his date night with his useless girlfriend. It was my wife and I on the couch just hanging out and watching some TV until the kids came out and she hung out with them. I didn’t want to wait to talk to her. I figured, in a casual setting like this( I made sure she was in a good mood), I would ask her an intriguing question that I saw on here: Where do you see your son in 6 months? A year? I asked her this and I got back an “ I don’t know, why worry tonight? I’m sure he’ll think of something.” I told her that, in a year, if nothing changes, he’ll be sleeping until 5 in his bed only with his girlfriend all moved in.
She said I was “ being goofy”.
I told her that I wanted to go get counseling for the family because I feel as though she doesn’t respect me. Somehow, this turned into a “ you’re too hard on him. He needs to be comforted( her way of saying pampered) and loved. When was the last time you hugged him or told him you loved him?” talk. My dad hardly did either but I knew he loved me because he listened, guided, and helped me whenever I needed it. I know she loves this kid and tells him often and hugs him but I’m not her and I love him as well. After her statement, she agreed to go in order to appease me. She said that he was “ a bit spoiled and lazy, but kids deserve a little spoiling. I was spoiled as a kid ( indeed she was)”. That was the end of the talk. I guess I should be happy she's going, but something tells me she'll ignore the doctor and do what she's always done.
She most definitely will.
I feel like I am sort of like your wife and I would agree to go, simply to show the doctor why he's wrong.
If principals and detention are your reference point, then you both have been stuck in a mode of immaturity for quite a long while. Apparently being a parent has not forced her to grow up (i.e. make hard choices and be accountable for her own behavior) the way it does with most people who have kids.
So she has a TON of growing up to do as well. This will not happen overnight, and it will not be easy. In fact, there will be times that it will be very uncomfortable and perhaps painful for you since you detest and avoid confrontation. But you do not like things the way they are. The only way for them to change is for you, your wife and your son to CHANGE. They will resist this because, frankly, you have made their situations quite enjoyable, with them both getting to do what they damn well please.
But you have to look at it as a tunnel. There is a light at the end, but you will never get there if you turn around in the middle of the tunnel and go back.
Keep that light as your goal during this process. It has taken your wife her entire life to get to where she is now. It will also take a long time for her to climb out of that place.
Except the only problem with this logic is that even if he gets what he wants, then his wife and son will be both miserable.
From a utilitarian standpoint, that's not productive.
There are a couple of issues going on here: the relationship between you and your wife, and then the triangular relationship that involves your son and the different views of parenting between you and your wife.
I would work on the spousal relationship before the relationship you two have with your son. The problems with your son will not resolve themselves. Son plays you and your wife against each other quite expertly it seems. At the very least you'll be in a better position to present a united parental front.
I see from your other thread that the two of you were very young parents and spouses. As I read that thread, you and your wife really, really need to get on the same parenting page WITHOUT your son there. BTW--18 yo, I assume getting ready to graduate from HS, no plans, no job, and a trashy gf thrown in--Yeah, your wife is enabling this irresponsible behavior. I feel for you.
As hopeless as his situation looks, how many college freshman's response to what their major is "who knows?"
I don't think he thinks that way. He hasn't been taught that he should be pulling his on weight, so he doesn't think he should.
But he shouldn't be pulling his own weight though. He's 18 and the parents are 36. The parents aren't 86, where it could be at least somewhat reasonable to expect help.
now she says she doesn't want to go. I was just watching TV and she came down all lovey dovey with touching and kissing, and compliments, which I enjoyed immensely. " Sweetie, I thought about it and I don't want to go to counseling, whatever we need to fix can be fixed at home. Think about( our son's name). How awful that would be for him to see us in counseling." I told her I was sticking to it, I'm going,she is welcome to join me, and that we can't fix that at home because she's an enabler and wouldn't follow through. She rolled her eyes and walked away.
She has a point though.
What is he going to think of you asking him to do something when you and your wife can't even work out your own problems?
Yuck, notice how her affection was tied to her getting what she wants? * bleh *
The pain has begun. Based on my experiences, that is a mild backlash. As the appointment gets closer, her resistance will probably become stronger and maybe more violent (yelling and slamming doors, etc.) She will attempt to punish you with the silent treatment, blah blah blah.
Just DO NOT REACT. Think about it like a vending machine. If you put your $$ in and nothing comes out, you can kick and hit it all you want, but if it never dispenses a Coke, you'll eventually walk away. If it DOES give you a Coke every once in a while, you would be more likely to continue the kicking and hitting.
So don't let up. You know what the right thing is. Stick to your plan and follow through.
But in the vending machine example, you can go to another vending machine. In this example, the wife can still refuse to go. There is nothing this guy can do to force her to go.
Your example only works if the wife was asking him to do something for her.
You have ask yourself what you are willing to stand. How much longer can you live with your wife and son ruling the house, while you work to keep a roof over their heads? You are asking them to change comfortable behaviors they have had for at least 18 years. What if there is no change, can you live this way without complaining?
I think the wife is pretty much set in her ways, but there is still some hope for the son, especially in the low intelligence of today's world.
Fifty years ago, where you needed to be intelligent to be successful, he would have been in big trouble, but these days, if you have good "people skills" you can still have a decent living.
that's still on and he has no plans as of right now. If we can have successful counseling sessions and I see a complete 180 in his life, then the deadline will be off
It's May 9th. He's not going to be fully fixed in 2 weeks.
In fact, I'd be willing to say if he does a complete 180 in 2 weeks, it's almost guaranteed an act.
He didn't do so hot on the ACTs and didn't bother to look at schools and his friends are going to 4 year colleges, even his GF is going to CC. Here's the situation. If I, A) tell him to redo his ACTs for a decent score and apply to schools, only to have his mother come in and tell him that he doesn't have to if he doesn't feel up to it or B) out of frustration and exhaust, let his mom have the drivers seat and hope she realizes somehow that she, has in fact, played a part( me as well) in this mess.
I would recommend him taking the SAT instead of the ACT.
ACT is usually better for more analytical, math/science/computer types, whereas the SAT is better for more literate reading/writing types.
Honestly, it sounds like your son is neither, but you can usually guess your way through some of the reading sections. If you don't know what cosine means, you're not getting the math questions right.
But college admissions are already done this year. There's no sense rushing him to take anything, when he won't be able to start anywhere until fall 2014 at the earliest.
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