I don't know how I should feel about this (partner, emotional, support)
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Now that you are going to marriage counseling, your wife is really quite ignorant to opt out of going with you. I say this because I believe the professional counseling sessions are going to help enlighten and enable you to not only see how toxic your current relationship is, but also help you grow and change how you view and interact with your wife. By opting out, your wife is not going to grow/become enlightened/change and will just remain the spoiled princess that she is now. She is making a big mistake that can set her up for very rude awakening one day.
She would view any objection as undermining her and that's a whole new can of worms
Do you understand that she does not have to be happy with your actions? If your goal is to please her over standing up for what you believe is right, then you are just plain hosed. She can view your actions anyway she damned well pleases. In the case of your son, I would agree that you should not undermine her in his presence. You CAN speak to her afterward. But in general, your desire to please her is in direct conflict with your own best interest.
He woke me up this morning and wanted to talk. I took him out to breakfast. Despite the fact that he really wanted to talk about my marriage and the counseling. I told him to let his mom and I work on that and that he needs to work on college and career plans. Turns out he's been grounded for a week for putting his feet on the table and being up at 1 AM. We started talking about his girlfriend who he says he really loves and wishes I'd get to know her "like how Mom knows her". I told him I'd try to be more open minded towards her. I told her when I got home that 1 week for having his feet up was outrageous and that all that really should've been made out of that, at most would be " feet down". She responded with " Fine, you deal with him". I feel pretty good right now, I had a good talk and I feel like I talked to her assertively yet respectfully while still standing up for myself.
Well, there are definitely a couple of good points here.
First, you steered your son away from discussing your marriage.
And I guess I'm still stunned that he was grounded for the feet on the table and 1:00 am thing, but good for you for explaining it to her like an adult.
Now , the most important thing is -- DON'T BACKSLIDE.
Are you still attending counseling? That can't stop just because you had a good morning..and if she doesn't go, then deal with that later. You need to boost your self esteem and learn how to deal with ending the games that are played in your house daily.
Perhaps after you have gone for a while, she may change her mind.
Your wife needs to let the kid grow up, and that is likely part of her problem. For most of his life, and your married life, her job has been raising the kid. That job is coming to an end of sorts as he enters a new phase in his life. Making that adjustment is not easy.
Grounding for a week for feet on a table and up at 1 am (probably wanting to share his weekend with the two of you and also waiting up out of concern for his parents) right after sending him away, alone, on a weekend trip is just sending mixed messages: you're an adult, but you're not an adult. I cannot imagine grounding my 19 yo. He needs to follow some house rules and follow laws, but he's beyond the age of discipline of that sort. He is a legal adult.
BTW--I don't know the entire conversation between you and your son, but it does seem as if he's trying to play the "mom versus dad" game a bit. That needs to be stopped. I know your wife does not always support what you do with your son, but you can set the example. Next time your son complains of the grounding or some punishment to you, simply tell him that you may not agree with it, but that was his mother's decision and you need to support it. Do it in front of your wife if that would be natural to do.
So many skewed family dynamics going on here..... I think I've said this before, but if you and your wife get on the same page in your marriage, those skewed dynamics with your son will begin to go away slowly.
Being grounded for "being up" at 1 am? Sorry, but something's wrong with your wife's head. Imagine the fit she's going to have when sonny gets a job and has to be out of her sight. You need to tell her to stop being so ridiculous.
Oh, you don't need to support whatever punishmetn your wifes lays down. when she's being ridiculous, you call her out on it and find some other age-appropriate punishment. Feet on table? then don't sit at the table. "up at 1 am"? Tell her to get the F over herself. And roll your eyes at that one.
He woke me up this morning and wanted to talk. I took him out to breakfast. Despite the fact that he really wanted to talk about my marriage and the counseling. I told him to let his mom and I work on that and that he needs to work on college and career plans. Turns out he's been grounded for a week for putting his feet on the table and being up at 1 AM. We started talking about his girlfriend who he says he really loves and wishes I'd get to know her "like how Mom knows her". I told him I'd try to be more open minded towards her. I told her when I got home that 1 week for having his feet up was outrageous and that all that really should've been made out of that, at most would be " feet down". She responded with " Fine, you deal with him". I feel pretty good right now, I had a good talk and I feel like I talked to her assertively yet respectfully while still standing up for myself.
You SHOULD feel good. Definitely an improvement over how you would have handled this in the past. You are making progress. Good for you. You may not be where you should be in this relationship, but you are headed in the right direction. Keep it up.
Rrah....normally I love your advice, but have to disagree with you on him supporting his wife's ridiculous punishment. It really was outrageously punitive for such a small infraction.
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