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So you want to try being a ski bum for a while. (The "hospitality" thing is a nice try but I've known a LOT of ski bums.)
Your parents are worried because you are 26 years old, living at home, having some problems, and your solution is to go be a ski bum. Mom and dad paying your bills?
Your plan for the future is to travel and discover. In the 60's this was called "finding yourself". We were all finding ourselves. But then we also weren't living with Mom and Dad when we did this. And at 26 none of us were asking Mom and Dad what they thought.
My suggestion is you think about Mom's gray hairs because she's worried about her son who has his feet under her kitchen table and his plan for recovery is to put off a professional career, stop seeing his psychologist, and hit the slopes.
Ski bums do score a lot of weed though, so there is that!
Location: The western periphery of Terra Australis
24,544 posts, read 56,488,823 times
Reputation: 11862
Quote:
Originally Posted by DewDropInn
So you want to try being a ski bum for a while. (The "hospitality" thing is a nice try but I've known a LOT of ski bums.)
Your parents are worried because you are 26 years old, living at home, having some problems, and your solution is to go be a ski bum. Mom and dad paying your bills?
Your plan for the future is to travel and discover. In the 60's this was called "finding yourself". We were all finding ourselves. But then we also weren't living with Mom and Dad when we did this. And at 26 none of us were asking Mom and Dad what they thought.
My suggestion is you think about Mom's gray hairs because she's worried about her son who has his feet under her kitchen table and his plan for recovery is to put off a professional career, stop seeing his psychologist, and hit the slopes.
No I won't be bumming around, it'll probably be a full time job, which I figure is good for me as a stepping stone to getting back into a professional job. It's my mum who says I should have some kind of 'routine' in my life, so this will give me that. She says why don't I just work here, but I told here the working holiday programme lasts until I'm 30, so why waste precious time? If I can do it, why not? There's nothing else here I really need to do, and if planning doesn't pan out...sure I do feel a sense of responsibility to my mum because she DID pay for my university tuition fees: I'm definitely grateful for that that' why I don't want to chuck it all in and disappoint her. I've only worked a year since graduation and had to quit because of anxiety and the fact I just didn't click with my boss.
But yeah I know I'm not quite ready. Maybe when I'm good and ready she'll be more supportive, hopefully.
Location: The western periphery of Terra Australis
24,544 posts, read 56,488,823 times
Reputation: 11862
Quote:
Originally Posted by silverwing
Sounds like you've inherited your anxiety dysfunction from your parents. It happens. One reason I took up the hobby of genealogy was to trace characteristics of my ancestors, asking "how far back does this nuttiness go?"
I would get counseling first. How much of this desire to go to Canada is from actually wanting to do it, or as a chance to escape your parents?
It sounds like you need to develop coping skills and detachment from your parents' issues. It's just too bad that you might have to do it while under their roof. I'm betting you'll be questioned and criticized for that as well.
Note that I do sympathize with the controlling factor. I lived with my grandmother until my mid-20s, not from needing her help, but to repay her for the years I lived with her as a teen on her dime. I paid half of the expenses (even some of her medical bills); took care of her house, yard and car; managed her financial and medical paperwork. Still, she considered it her right to pass judgement on my friends and dates, expecting me to bring them home for her perusal and possible veto; I was expected to be home - in bed - by 11 on the weekends; if I couldn't account for my time away from her, she raised 10 shades of hell. All this under the aegis of "under my roof, you follow my rules." Even pointing out to her that she was able to keep that roof thanks to my help (again, acknowledging that this was repayment for her earlier aid) didn't sway her uber-controlling tendencies.
I was 24 years old.
Finally, I said "Grandma, I'm outta here. I'll help you move into the senior citizens complex I've checked out for you, but this is just getting ridiculous!" And I moved.
Some parents or guardians can't let go of the reins. It's not up to you to make them change, it's your job to change your own circumstances so you don't have to put up with it.
I was living away for a year, and have spent a long time travelling by myself, so I can definitely be independent if I have to be. It's just right now I scarcely feel capable of doing much.
I've always been a compulsive traveller, I've travelled quite a bit on my own, and I feel Canada would be the perfect opportunity. I'm not all that keen to stay in my boring, isolated hometown, so far away from anything, so I mainly want to get out of here. Living with my parents isn't that bad, but sometimes I do feel like a bum, even though I can't help it. It's just my mother thinks I should do things her way. Maybe she's right to an extent, but I could never totally follow that.
Location: The western periphery of Terra Australis
24,544 posts, read 56,488,823 times
Reputation: 11862
Quote:
Originally Posted by txtqueen
Just stop caring what she thinks.
You need to be strong and confident about yourself.
If you have something you want to do then do it, if she is negative about then everytime she's negative remind yourself WHY she's negative, she's just a negative person. She is always going to be negative.
Use her negativeness as motivation. If she thinks you can't do some thing, let it **** you off, let it make you think "I CAN DO IT, wtf does she know, she'd never try it because she's so negative."
You need to get out of there, you really do.
You need to start making your life YOUR life.
That's exactly what I had to do. My mom was negative about everything. Ask anyone here about me, I was always making excuses as to WHY I couldn't do something. Where do you think I got it from?
I stopped listening to her crap and did what I needed to do for myself and I finally got out, I am learning so much more now and my life is so much better.
You can do it too. Yes, I still feel anxious sometimes and the real world and its responsibilities can be scary, you just have to work through it.
Yeah I think I'm getting to the stage where I realize that she's just neurotic. I don't want to talk bad about my mum, I really don't, I love her deeply of course, but it can drive me up the wall at times. She's so serious and depressed, I encourage her to be more light-hearted, cheerful and positive, even though I'm suffering too.
I was living away for a year, and have spent a long time travelling by myself, so I can definitely be independent if I have to be. It's just right now I scarcely feel capable of doing much.
I've always been a compulsive traveller, I've travelled quite a bit on my own, and I feel Canada would be the perfect opportunity. I'm not all that keen to stay in my boring, isolated hometown, so far away from anything, so I mainly want to get out of here. Living with my parents isn't that bad, but sometimes I do feel like a bum, even though I can't help it. It's just my mother thinks I should do things her way. Maybe she's right to an extent, but I could never totally follow that.
As long as she doesn't have to pay for your trip to Canada and you're prepared for the risks, it might be the right thing for you to do this. I went to study in Mexico and I was a lot younger than 26, and I went there by myself after taking 2 semesters of Spanish, paid my own way too. Canada shouldn't be all that risky or tough.
At age 26, you should be perfectly capable of making a life for yourself. As long as you live with your parents, they will see you as their child.
A woman I work with was laughingly complaining how she stayed a couple weeks with her mother after her mother got out of the hospital, to help out her mother. The mother was in her 80s, this woman was 60 and after she helped her mom to bed, she decided to stay up and watch a little television. She was watching television after 10 pm and her poor mother got up out of bed to come out and tell her she needed to get to bed.
Yeah I think I'm getting to the stage where I realize that she's just neurotic. I don't want to talk bad about my mum, I really don't, I love her deeply of course, but it can drive me up the wall at times. She's so serious and depressed, I encourage her to be more light-hearted, cheerful and positive, even though I'm suffering too.
It sounds like the apple didn't fall too far from the tree, then. Like DD said, you're living off of your mom. She's the one who has to pick up all of the pieces, if/when things don't work out for you. She's the one who paid your "university" tuition, which she's seeing as wasted money. She's likely seeing this latest venture as just another one of your pipe dreams.
Some parents (and friends & other relatives), CAN be "what iffers", but that's not necessarily a bad thing...only if you let it be. I'd much rather have someone saying, "What IF it's a bad decision", than having morons saying, "Dude, just GO for it!"....over every little daydream that comes out of my mouth. Here's the reality of life, you'd BETTER start thinking about the "what ifs", all on your own, or you're gonna be screwed. Having a good time is great....as long as YOU can afford it on your own dime. If you don't want your mother to treat you like a child, it's a good idea for you to grow up, take responsibility, gain some confidence, and stop putting her in the position where she's always VIEWING you as a child.
To me, it doesn't sound like you're showing her you're an adult yet.
It sounds like the apple didn't fall too far from the tree, then. Like DD said, you're living off of your mom. She's the one who has to pick up all of the pieces, if/when things don't work out for you. She's the one who paid your "university" tuition, which she's seeing as wasted money. She's likely seeing this latest venture as just another one of your pipe dreams.
Some parents (and friends & other relatives), CAN be "what iffers", but that's not necessarily a bad thing...only if you let it be. I'd much rather have someone saying, "What IF it's a bad decision", than having morons saying, "Dude, just GO for it!"....over every little daydream that comes out of my mouth. Here's the reality of life, you'd BETTER start thinking about the "what ifs", all on your own, or you're gonna be screwed. Having a good time is great....as long as YOU can afford it on your own dime. If you don't want your mother to treat you like a child, it's a good idea for you to grow up, take responsibility, gain some confidence, and stop putting her in the position where she's always VIEWING you as a child.
To me, it doesn't sound like you're showing her you're an adult yet.
Once again wisdom and good advice flows from Beachmel!
OP: Are you smart enough (and grown up enough) to take it? Please read this twice because this is exactly what you need to be told.
Once again wisdom and good advice flows from Beachmel!
OP: Are you smart enough (and grown up enough) to take it? Please read this twice because this is exactly what you need to be told.
The thing that gets me about young people grumbling when their parents "what if" them is this; wouldn't you want ANYone to do that for you? Wouldn't you want your friends to rattle your can and make sure you're examining your choices from all angles? i darn sure would. I would EXPECT my friends and family to be voices of reason for me. If they don't care enough about me to do so, they don't care enough about me...period!
You should never want someone to cheer you on about something that they think is going to end up causing you grief. Should your parents love you and emotionally support you? Sure they should. Should they have to end up repeatedly bailing your ass out and supporting you, when you're too damn stubborn to listen when (you think) they're butting into your life? Hell no.
OP...listen to what you're mother just might be saying underneath it all. If you take off on some "working vacation" and end up losing the job you have...tough luck. Clearly, she doesn't WANT to house your butt for the rest of your life. She doesn't WANT all of your drama and problems to deal with. She doesn't WANT to see you throw away something "stable" in your life. It sounds like you might be doing what a whole lot of other people your age are doing....setting yourself up to fail...sabotaging yourself. Guess who you're going to run crying to? .....Yeah, the one you want to mind her own business. Guess what else? You're well over the age of 18 and if she was minding ONLY her business, you'd be out on your butt without a roof over your head.
The thing that gets me about young people grumbling when their parents "what if" them is this; wouldn't you want ANYone to do that for you? :
The thing that gets me is putting the blame on MOM when someone is, shall we say, a little slow getting out of the starting block.
"It's not MY fault!"
Yeah. Right. Whatever. Never take responsibility for your own life when there is someone else to blame.
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