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I don't think she's casual about it at all. I think she's in a difficult situation, and her son has rejected her. Should she shove herself into his life?
All I know is that I never could or would abandon a grandchild. No matter what, I would make an effort to see my grandchild and have a relationship with her. The son is a different matter. He even said he wants her to have a relationship with his child.
thanks all, I haven't made any attempts to see her but I have mailed her a couple of letters and several gifts and we have talked on the phone. I will try to get a volunteer position at her school in the Fall so I can see her pretty regularly, and I will try and find a way to still see her still this summer.
Depending on the state you might actually have rights as a grandparent. While probably the last option you should look into it if you feel you are at that point.
All I know is that I never could or would abandon a grandchild. No matter what, I would make an effort to see my grandchild and have a relationship with her. The son is a different matter. He even said he wants her to have a relationship with his child.
All I know is that I never could or would abandon a grandchild. No matter what, I would make an effort to see my grandchild and have a relationship with her. The son is a different matter. He even said he wants her to have a relationship with his child.
He has said that he wants me to spend time with my GD, however there are complications, too. He has also made statements about how he doesn't want me disciplining her because he remembers how mean I was to him (oh, so untrue!) and he can only remember me being nice to him on our special day each year. (When he was a kid, one day a year we'd play hookey from school/work and he and I would do whatever he wanted...just spend the day having fun, now he says these were the only days I was ever nice to him.) Also, he has said he doesn't think my house is safe because I have foster dogs (I do rescue) and we have firearms (in locked safe) in the house. Both my DH and I have CHL's.
Often when I try to arrange time with my GD, my DIL responds that its not a good time.....she has been invited to a birthday party, there's some event with other (wife's side) family, and then when we have finally settled on a date, often "oh, sorry, Amy is sick." Typically, in the past, I spent time with her alone about once a month...usually on weekend or non-school days from about noon to 6pm, if I tried to get her before noon she was cranky from just waking up. Even at noon, she is often just waking up. She does have busy weekends with scouts, soccer, and always lots of birthday parties. Her parents take her with them to rock concerts and even late dining....she has no bedtime on weekends.
Her parents are more than willing to have her spend Saturday nights with me. Since she has no bedtime, she stays awake until about 2am. I give her a nice warm bath about 9:30 and limit her sugar but she simply doesn't go to sleep. Bedtime stories, back rubs, soft music. I find I spend 4 hours trying to get her to sleep. So, must admit I do prefer not to have her overnight. My DH is a marathon runner and is up at 4am on Sunday mornings for his training. Its pretty tough around here on Sunday mornings..... I was pretty structured as a mother and my son is exactly opposite with his child. She is allowed to eat different food than what is prepared for the family meal if she doesn't care for it. Her usual breakfast at home is very sweet food like pastry and chocolate milk. She only drinks chocolate milk or Sprite and can have as much as she wants. It is challenging to "spoil" her like a grandma..... but we do have alot of fun together!
He has said that. However, often when I try to arrange time with my GD, my DIL responds that its not a good time.....she has been invited to a birthday party, there's some event with other (wife's side) family, and then when we have finally settled on a date, often "oh, sorry, Amy is sick." Typically, in the past, I spent time with her alone about once a month...usually on weekend or non-school days from about noon to 6pm She does have busy weekends with scouts, soccer, and always lots of birthday parties. Her parents take her with them to rock concerts and even late dining....she has no bedtime on weekends.
Her parents are more than willing to have her spend Saturday nights with me. Since she has no bedtime, she stays awake until about 2am. I give her a nice warm bath about 9:30 and limit her sugar but she simply doesn't go to sleep. Bedtime stories, back rubs, soft music. I find I spend 4 hours trying to get her to sleep. So, must admit I do prefer not to have her overnight. My DH is a marathon runner and is up at 4am on Sunday mornings for his training. Its pretty tough around here on Sunday mornings..... I was pretty structured as a mother and my son is exactly opposite with his child. She is allowed to eat different food than what is prepared for the family meal if she doesn't care for it. Her usual breakfast at home is very sweet food like pastry and chocolate milk. She only drinks chocolate milk or Sprite and can have as much as she wants. It is challenging to "spoil" her like a grandma..... but we do have alot of fun together!
You do sound like a nurturing grandma and the bedtime and meal habits would be challenging. The only way you might be able to work with getting her to bed earlier would be to have her for several days or weeks and it sounds like the parents may not be up for that.
So how about day outings . . .pick her up in the morning and do some girly stuff together . . .go to the beach, park, dog pound, movies, etc.? and then return her home in the evening.
The poor thing is probably exhausted. I wonder why some parents don't understand how important sleep and routine are to a child (my belief). Are they just selfish?
The poor thing is probably exhausted. I wonder why some parents don't understand how important sleep and routine are to a child (my belief). Are they just selfish?
My son owns a retail business that caters to college students. Hookah's and tatoos, and other head shop stuff. My son is covered with tat's and (thankfully) just stopped wearing piercings. They live an alternative lifestyle. Their house is lovely, however, and nicely decorated always beautifully clean. My son's shop closes at 2am and Amy spends time there on non-school nights for short visits but just usually is allowed to stay up until Daddy gets home. They don't discipline my GD, but she is a very sweet and cooperative child for the most part and does well in school. On the rare occasions that I have picked her up from school, she's fallen asleep in the car during the 2 mile drive to her house.....
Does Amy routinely stay up until 2:00 a.m. on weekends?? Your above post implies this, but I hope I'm misreading it. The child has to be exhausted, and may be malnourished as well, from your description. This is very negligent parenting, to say the least, if I am reading you correctly. Falling asleep in the car after school is not normal behavior for a child her age.
It must be so hard for you to observe these things and to be the object of your son's abusive accusations. BTW, if he honestly thinks he was abused by you as a child, it seems very strange that he would want you to have any relationship with your granddaughter at all. That's a huge red flag right there. I am thankful that you are in Amy's life, although it surely appears that her parents are using her as a pawn and are being very manipulative, both of which are not in her best interests and are causing you pain.
Best I can offer is to continue whatever involvement you can with your granddaughter and to make your time with her as routine and stable as possible in terms of meal times, bedtime, etc. You should not have to go through the lengthy (four hours!! Really??) bedtime routine you describe with her, btw - a bath, bedtime story, glass of water (or milk, for tryptophan), hug and kiss, Teddy perhaps, nightlight perhaps, and off you go. If she lies awake for an hour, that's okay - eventually she'll have to learn how to get to sleep without additional assistance, whereas making such a big production of bedtime may be counterproductive in the long run, as Amy realizes she can use her apparent sleeplessness to negotiate more time with (exhausted) Grandma!
As far as "spoiling" her in regard to food - how about cooking with her? Make it something fun but nutritious. Maybe visit your local farmers' market and let her select anything she likes, then fix it for dinner. Make a big production with Grandpa that "Amy cooked this!" And send any leftovers home with Amy, and make sure her parents know about her involvement. It might just widen her dietary horizons a bit...
Does Amy routinely stay up until 2:00 a.m. on weekends?? Your above post implies this, but I hope I'm misreading it. The child has to be exhausted, and may be malnourished as well, from your description. This is very negligent parenting, to say the least, if I am reading you correctly. Falling asleep in the car after school is not normal behavior for a child her age.
It must be so hard for you to observe these things and to be the object of your son's abusive accusations. BTW, if he honestly thinks he was abused by you as a child, it seems very strange that he would want you to have any relationship with your granddaughter at all. That's a huge red flag right there. I am thankful that you are in Amy's life, although it surely appears that her parents are using her as a pawn and are being very manipulative, both of which are not in her best interests and are causing you pain.
Best I can offer is to continue whatever involvement you can with your granddaughter and to make your time with her as routine and stable as possible in terms of meal times, bedtime, etc. You should not have to go through the lengthy (four hours!! Really??) bedtime routine you describe with her, btw - a bath, bedtime story, glass of water (or milk, for tryptophan), hug and kiss, Teddy perhaps, nightlight perhaps, and off you go. If she lies awake for an hour, that's okay - eventually she'll have to learn how to get to sleep without additional assistance, whereas making such a big production of bedtime may be counterproductive in the long run, as Amy realizes she can use her apparent sleeplessness to negotiate more time with (exhausted) Grandma!
As far as "spoiling" her in regard to food - how about cooking with her? Make it something fun but nutritious. Maybe visit your local farmers' market and let her select anything she likes, then fix it for dinner. Make a big production with Grandpa that "Amy cooked this!" And send any leftovers home with Amy, and make sure her parents know about her involvement. It might just widen her dietary horizons a bit...
Yes Amy routinely stays up until past 2am on non-school nights. She is also put to bed with a video running in her DVD player. I have a very hard time but I do generally bite my tongue and don't say anything to her parents. When she was a baby I gave them many books about child rearing and they were offended. I am often confused about how to handle normal interactions. Example: Amy kept picking up a rescue dog I was fostering and I explained to her never to pick up or handle strange dogs.....especially rescue dogs because if the dog bites a person it will be unadoptable and may be euthanized. I mentioned this interaction to her mother and my son was furious, said I was "F-King" with her mind just like I did with him as a kid..... She understood this and it was fine. However when my sin emailed me about this, he said she was traumatized and I terrified her. Likely her mother was stirring up stuff! That kind of thing is what makes me wondr if I should just give up. But I do appreciate all the posts and I will work to keep her in my life.....
Okay, that's a great example of just what I was referring to: anything remotely negative that you report to your son is going to be twisted and used against you. So - edit what you tell him or Amy's mother, keep everything as positive and bland as possible, don't give him ammo to be used against you. You sound like a very good, caring person, who is a true blessing to your granddaughter. She must be confused at being placed between you and your very adversarial son.
So let the small stuff go. Your son and daughter in law really didn't need to know about Amy wanting to pet the therapy dog - that's a typical child's normal response, Amy understood your reasons for asking her not to pet the dog, wasn't upset, what's the problem?? Also, are you quite sure your daughter-in-law was the one who was upset about this, or is that just something your son says? Are both of them really this determined to use your relationship with your granddaughter to put you in the wrong, no matter what?
Just keep on being bland and positive with them. Don't feel that you have to report every little thing that happens during Amy's visits. Stick with very, very general descriptions. But don't be surprised if your son even attempts to twist the positives into negatives - I have an acquaintance who does this, today questioning me extensively about security at a small museum to which I've loaned some items, implying that I am too naive and unsophisticated to think about such considerations (the museum has locking cases, burglar alarms, fire detectors and a resident "guard" living in the same building - I think we're okay!).
It's a form of insecurity and a transparent need to put themself up by putting you down, by portraying themself as the expert or always right and you as always wrong. So learn to be one step ahead of this dysfunctional game. It's not really about you - it's about them.I am so sorry you're having to deal with this in your son. Some counseling might be helpful to you in figuring out how best to deal with him, but having good boundaries is key.
She only drinks chocolate milk or Sprite and can have as much as she wants.
Which explains why it takes her four hours to fall asleep.
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She understood this and it was fine. However when my sin emailed me about this, he said she was traumatized and I terrified her. Likely her mother was stirring up stuff! That kind of thing is what makes me wondr if I should just give up. But I do appreciate all the posts and I will work to keep her in my life.....
