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My grandparents reared me. Largely because my mom saw no benefit to herself in dealing with me.
My grandparents are the ones who nursed me when i was sick, let me crawl in bed with them when i had bad dreams, paid for all the extracurricular stuff I did (tennis, band, swimming, etc), bought a house that had a tennis court and swimming pool so i could continue doing it whenever i wanted, and paid for college at a private school. Yes, I was spoiled (but I did know it and appreciate it). My first car was crappy cavalier, and when i graduated high school they bought me a probe GT, which, to this day, I still have.
My mom tried in her own way, i suppose. It's not like she wasnt around. she remarried when i was 12 and was married long enough to have 2 kids, and then get divorced- and let her ex take those kids. shes just not a caregiving kind of person. Almost as though if she sees no benefit to herself, she sees no reason to do anything. its her. always has been. i love her for who she is, even though i dont particularly like her.
I remember, right after I had our first child, my grandfather stopped in for lunch one afternoon. I was sick as a dog- and had been. Hubby worked long hours, and though he knew i was sick- had no idea HOW sick i was. Baby and I were laying on the couch. I didnt even get up when he knocked. good thing he had a key. I've never seen him so mad. HE was furious that i was so sick, and hubby was at work and i hadnt gone to the dr. so mad, he called my husband, cussed him out on the phone and said if he didnt come home RIGHT NOW and take me to the hospital, he was taking me and the baby. i dont remember that (i wasnt kidding when i said i was sick), but both men have confirmed the story several times.
hubby listened and came home.
now, my baby is 12 and my other baby is 4. and my grandparents need me. Grandma has dementia and talks in long, rambly sometimes totally incoherent mini speeches, confuses dreams with reality and in many ways, is like a 2 year old. I'm grateful that if nothing else, i learned patience from my grandparents. Papa (thankfully) has all his marbles, although he broke his foot a month ago and has a fiberglass cast, so weve been going up several times a week to take trash out, mop, grocery shop, etc... He has health problems, but none that are terribly severe, though his diabetes has gotten worse, i know.
Of their 3 living children (one was killed by a drunk driver 20 years or so ago) they all live on the other side of the country. My mom was the last one to leave, this past summer. She decided to go live near her sister-the other 2 have been gone since i was a kid.
I don't mind helping my grandparents. In a way, I enjoy it. It's like a tangible 'thank you' for everything they ever did for me. But it upsets me that NONE of her kids find it necessary to move out here to help care for them (financially they are fine- so they dont need monetary assistance). They all assume (and apparently, correctly) that hubby and I will do it. True, as we are house hunting at the moment for a home large enough to accommodate all of us and still allowing them (and us) some privacy. Even papa realizes that he needs help with grandma. At least then we can all take turns 'grandma sitting', so one isnt saddled with it 24/7.
I dont know what the point of this is, other than be grateful for your loved ones. I am not perfect. but I love them. They have given me so much, and it bothers me their own kids don't seem to care. When you have parents or loved ones who need you- be there for them. It will mean more to them than you will ever realize.
Sounds like God gave you real parents and them a real daughter. Don't waste your engery resenting your mother, aunts and uncles. This is truly their loss and your gain.
You're right, it is very sad when an elderly person needs help in their later years ...and the ones they've loved and cared for all their lives see it as a burden, and would rather not be there for them. Thankfully they have you,I hope everything turns out ok for you, what you're doing by helping them will always look good on you.
suedonym, Hopes is right. My father has been very ill with stage four cancer, and he's had health problems on and off for five years. My younger sister and I have been helping our mother care for him. We have more flexible daytime schedules than our mother does, so we take Dad to his appointments and sit at the hospital and just do whatever needs done. My older sister hasn't ever really helped our parents in any way. She's single, in her 40s and runs with younger friends who don't have these kinds of responsibilities.
My younger sister and I have had to work hard to put aside our resentment and just accept that our sibling doesn't operate with the same level or guilt or commitment or whatever it is that we do. Care-taking requires so much energy, that you really do just have to accept and look for the small joyous moments.
No, I am blessed to have had them rear me, and be able to help them.
on a positive note, papas cast came off last week and is healing well. HE used a cane for a couple of days just for balance, then, ditched it lol.
the other day when he was at physical therapy- grandma called. 18 times. hung up every time i answered (she was obviously playing with the phone again ). sigh.... lol
My grandparents reared me. Largely because my mom saw no benefit to herself in dealing with me.
My grandparents are the ones who nursed me when i was sick, let me crawl in bed with them when i had bad dreams, paid for all the extracurricular stuff I did (tennis, band, swimming, etc), bought a house that had a tennis court and swimming pool so i could continue doing it whenever i wanted, and paid for college at a private school. Yes, I was spoiled (but I did know it and appreciate it). My first car was crappy cavalier, and when i graduated high school they bought me a probe GT, which, to this day, I still have.
My mom tried in her own way, i suppose. It's not like she wasnt around. she remarried when i was 12 and was married long enough to have 2 kids, and then get divorced- and let her ex take those kids. shes just not a caregiving kind of person. Almost as though if she sees no benefit to herself, she sees no reason to do anything. its her. always has been. i love her for who she is, even though i dont particularly like her.
I remember, right after I had our first child, my grandfather stopped in for lunch one afternoon. I was sick as a dog- and had been. Hubby worked long hours, and though he knew i was sick- had no idea HOW sick i was. Baby and I were laying on the couch. I didnt even get up when he knocked. good thing he had a key. I've never seen him so mad. HE was furious that i was so sick, and hubby was at work and i hadnt gone to the dr. so mad, he called my husband, cussed him out on the phone and said if he didnt come home RIGHT NOW and take me to the hospital, he was taking me and the baby. i dont remember that (i wasnt kidding when i said i was sick), but both men have confirmed the story several times.
hubby listened and came home.
now, my baby is 12 and my other baby is 4. and my grandparents need me. Grandma has dementia and talks in long, rambly sometimes totally incoherent mini speeches, confuses dreams with reality and in many ways, is like a 2 year old. I'm grateful that if nothing else, i learned patience from my grandparents. Papa (thankfully) has all his marbles, although he broke his foot a month ago and has a fiberglass cast, so weve been going up several times a week to take trash out, mop, grocery shop, etc... He has health problems, but none that are terribly severe, though his diabetes has gotten worse, i know.
Of their 3 living children (one was killed by a drunk driver 20 years or so ago) they all live on the other side of the country. My mom was the last one to leave, this past summer. She decided to go live near her sister-the other 2 have been gone since i was a kid.
I don't mind helping my grandparents. In a way, I enjoy it. It's like a tangible 'thank you' for everything they ever did for me. But it upsets me that NONE of her kids find it necessary to move out here to help care for them (financially they are fine- so they dont need monetary assistance). They all assume (and apparently, correctly) that hubby and I will do it. True, as we are house hunting at the moment for a home large enough to accommodate all of us and still allowing them (and us) some privacy. Even papa realizes that he needs help with grandma. At least then we can all take turns 'grandma sitting', so one isnt saddled with it 24/7.
I dont know what the point of this is, other than be grateful for your loved ones. I am not perfect. but I love them. They have given me so much, and it bothers me their own kids don't seem to care. When you have parents or loved ones who need you- be there for them. It will mean more to them than you will ever realize.
If they dont live near you, then you really dont know their situation, it may be jobs, family, other spouses job.
My mom lives in Kansas with my brothers, I wouldnt be able to get up and quit my job and take care of her, it dont mean I dont love her, I have other responsibilities right now, If my brothers werent't able to take care of her, she would have to move in with one of us, I know my sisters and I wouldnt't move to her.
Im sure your grandparents have money to hire fulltime living assistance.
Why dont you do it? after all they've done so much for you??
Your story reminds me of why parents (biological or otherwise) do what they do. Your parents (grands) are lucky to have you as you were them and you are setting an incredible example for your children. I am confident you will continue to be blessed.
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). sigh.... lol
