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What's wrong with that? You don't think people get better if they try? Is that not the truth?
The daughter asks why life is unfair to her? Why she doesn't get praise for her accomplishments. Her daughter has talent in areas, but she isn't putting forth the effort to make accomplishments with her talent. There is no ***** footing around that one, IMO. You get what you put in.
Even kids with a natural talent towards something have to put in the effort. What is wrong with that? I don't think pandering to the child would make any difference and I think she's old enough to know that. She seems to lack effort, even when her other sibling doesn't.
Why are moms at fault for the negative and not being praised for the positive? You ask this of her yet don't give it to her at the same time.
If Ivory is responsible for her older daughters lack of effort, then why is she not responsible for her younger daughters effort? I find it hard to believe she's just favored one over the other so long she drove out the effort of her first daughter. It's the first one with the issue. It lacks sense, IMO.
Now, I can see over the years her appreciating how much easier it is to instill these aspects in her younger daughter. Of course she would, it's a lot easier. It's not as emotionally draining with the second daughter. That has nothing to do with liking her more as a person. I see it as liking the fact that she doesn't have to work so hard she's ready to pull her teeth out with the second child. I would as well. And I'd appreciate that fact and tell her so!
Why don't you give an example of how she should be doing it, you know, the way you see it should be done correctly?
Plenty of parents play favorites with kids however. It's not abnormal for one child to be valued or praised much more than another to that child's detriment. It can effect different people in all kinds of ways. Some people become more driven and work hard to shove it in their parents face. And others get into a funk of depression, and lack of self worth. I'm not saying that is what is happening here, just that it could.
As for your last point none of us can say because ivory is so selective with the data she gives us. It's hard to give advice when you only get 30 percent of the info on what is going on with this girl. I think also people have a harder time giving any as well because ivory does nothing but berate her one daughter and praise the other. Even if the one child is a PITA, they still have some redeeming qualities. But again with the info we have it's hard to say. I think a mix of praise and forcing her to do work might be the best. And if that doesn't work switch therapists and see if she has a developmental disorder,depression, or even has a level of autism.
The OP said that the whole family was previously in counseling, and that her dd wanted to end that and to continue one-on-one with the counselor. It seems probable that the counselor would have let the OP know if she thought continued family counseling would be beneficial.
Close. Dd didn't want individual counseling. Dd wanted me in counseling. She wants someone to say that all of this is my fault. She wants the world to be the way she thinks it should be. We both went for a while then the counselor suggested she just see dd. Efforts to forge a normal mother/daughter relationship didn't work. Dd would like to not be in counseling at all, however, you are correct that the counselor would have let us know if family counseling or she and I going together was warranted.
I have no idea why people here think they know better than the counselors who have, probably, 100 hours into this issue (Man that's a lot of copays...I'm so lucky my insurance covers this.)
Dd is only happy with me if I'm giving her what she wants and the more I give, the more she wants. Eventually, when I say no, then the roof caves in. I will admit to saying yes too much in an attempt to appease her but it doesn't work and I'm not one to keep on doing what doesn't work so I just don't bother saying yes anymore.
We had a typical dd moment today. She's been asking for a puppy for her birthday. Her dad said he'd think about it (I'm not a dog person so this is his call as I'm not signing up for house breaking and walking it) and asked what kind she wants. She came back with some huge breed and I told her it's too big for our yard. Well, now we need a new remote for the TV because she tried to throw it through the glass on the french doors. Fortunately, the only thing she shattered was the remote (we're talking SHATTERED here)...then she posts on facebook for all the world to read about how we PROMISED her a puppy and then renegged. No one promised and no one renegged. She was simply asked what breeds she likes (I think her dad was going to get her a puppy for her birthday) Now we have a problem because giving her the puppy now would mean rewarding her outburst.
I have more broken things in this house from her outbursts. She has no door jamb on her door because she broke it off, the bathrooom door needs a new frame and the side door needs replacing. Her temper has never gotten her what she wants yet she refuses to control it. Everything is the end of the world if she doesn't get EXACTLY what she wants and when she does, she's mad that she didn't get more. Seriously, I think I've given her too much. Like many here, I thought that maybe the issue was that I paid too much attention to dd#2 so I tried paying more attention to dd#1 only to be told whatever I did was never enough. I've come to the conclusion that sacrificing her sister on an alter wouldn't be enough. She uses people. She plays people. She's good at playing her dad and I against each other but he's, finally, starting to see what she's doing. She is going to be in serious trouble as she gets older if we don't fix this.
Last edited by Ivorytickler; 06-09-2012 at 03:36 PM..
Sure seems to me what you're saying. Find things to praise about her....Tell us what you like about her....Sure sounds like sunshine up the butt.
I WISH it was that easy. It's not.
It isn't blowing sunshine unless it is made up, not true. Simply praising her for something she did well is being honest and supportive. If you can't find one single thing to praise her for, that is a major problem.
Close. Dd didn't want individual counseling. Dd wanted me in counseling. We both went for a while then the counselor suggested she just see dd. Dd would like to not be in counseling at all, however, you are correct that the counselor would have let us know if family counseling or she and I going together was warranted.
I have no idea why people here think they know better than the counselors who have, probably, 100 hours into this issue (Man that's a lot of copays...I'm so lucky my insurance covers this.)
Because they are people too and not always the same level of competence. Just because someone becomes a therapist does not mean they are good at their job.
Then why mention she has an issue at all? Some people here are therapists and maybe can shed light on if the girl should seek another counselor. I mean if you spend 4 years with someone and make minimal to no improvements then perhaps that person isn't the right one? I also wonder how reputable the person is since she mentions her daughter missing an important developmental mark that ivory can't seem to find any info on in any books, or online. Like anything we don't live with them so we can only go by what she says.But i am a believer that usually both parties play a role when there are issues.
I think she is right to be cautious with which information she chooses to present, even if it means less for posters to work with. The therapists here actually can't say anything much that is useful because (in no particular order): a) we don't have a thorough assessment, b) we don't have a professional relationship with the family and c) it is unethical to practice on an online message board.
I do agree that if one is not seeing demonstrable results/progress on goals with a therapist that considering a second opinion and/or just a new brain on the case is prudent. There are very few diagnoses where one would expect to see negligible improvement over the course of treatment.
Telling someone who has positive attributes and is valuable to you that they have positive attributes and are valuable to you isn't blowing smoke. No one has suggested that the OP make stuff up.
Did she tell us she hasn't told her daughter that she has positive attributes? Or that her daughter isn't valuable to her? That she hasn't ever praised her daughter?
I missed that post if she told us that. I apologize.
I think she is right to be cautious with which information she chooses to present, even if it means less for posters to work with. The therapists here actually can't say anything much that is useful because (in no particular order): a) we don't have a thorough assessment, b) we don't have a professional relationship with the family and c) it is unethical to practice on an online message board.
This is dead on. When in doubt in online communications, err on the side of less, not more.
Quote:
I do agree that if one is not seeing demonstrable results/progress on goals with a therapist that considering a second opinion and/or just a new brain on the case is prudent. There are very few diagnoses where one would expect to see negligible improvement over the course of treatment.
Ivory, I have to wonder what kind of advice you thought you'd get there. You came here asking how you should handle this. Unfortunately, the specific situation you asked about is only one symptom of a bigger problem,which you seem unwilling to address.
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