A son is a son 'til he takes him a wife (smart, married)
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I do think there is some validity to that. I have had my MIL tell me to shut up, roll her eyes at me, and demand a "thank you" instead of a simple, "Oh sure, no problem." After these incidents, I drew back from her. I did invite her on a girls' trip, on which she proceeded to ask for grandchildren and then preemptively tell me how to educate (homeschool) them.
I guess the biggest difference between our situation and everyone else's is that my MIL treats my husband very badly. He's the only boy, the oldest, the only one who moved away, and the only one with a successful career. His sisters live in the same town, all together in a house, and none have ever dated (they're in their 30's). His mom buys them things (I'm talking like gas and groceries) and spends all her time with them. She never calls him, and once during a visit at Christmas she literally did not talk to him for three days. I kid you not. It hurt his feelings so badly. Ultimately, this is the reason I detest my MIL. How can a mom treat her oldest, her only son, her only successful child like a piece of trash? Fortunately, his father is wonderful. When he passes away, I don't think my husband will have much at all to do with his family. Very sad.
I do think there is some validity to that. I have had my MIL tell me to shut up, roll her eyes at me, and demand a "thank you" instead of a simple, "Oh sure, no problem." After these incidents, I drew back from her. I did invite her on a girls' trip, on which she proceeded to ask for grandchildren and then preemptively tell me how to educate (homeschool) them.
I guess the biggest difference between our situation and everyone else's is that my MIL treats my husband very badly. He's the only boy, the oldest, the only one who moved away, and the only one with a successful career. His sisters live in the same town, all together in a house, and none have ever dated (they're in their 30's). His mom buys them things (I'm talking like gas and groceries) and spends all her time with them. She never calls him, and once during a visit at Christmas she literally did not talk to him for three days. I kid you not. It hurt his feelings so badly. Ultimately, this is the reason I detest my MIL. How can a mom treat her oldest, her only son, her only successful child like a piece of trash? Fortunately, his father is wonderful. When he passes away, I don't think my husband will have much at all to do with his family. Very sad.
This is similar to my MIL. I've never heard anyone else describe theirs this way. My MIL is sweet as pie to everyone she knows, including me; but she is mean to my husband and to her own husband (DH's step dad). I've been trying to figure her out for years. I think her first husband was so abusive, that she mistreats the men in her life now.
We have had several incidents where we are trying to do the "right" thing - feed them healthy food, adhere to bed times, etc, and MIL is the one not paying attention to our wishes. The biggest fight she and DH ever had was because he asked her to stop feeding them cookies, and she did it anyway.
This is similar to my MIL. I've never heard anyone else describe theirs this way. My MIL is sweet as pie to everyone she knows, including me; but she is mean to my husband and to her own husband (DH's step dad). I've been trying to figure her out for years. I think her first husband was so abusive, that she mistreats the men in her life now.
We have had several incidents where we are trying to do the "right" thing - feed them healthy food, adhere to bed times, etc, and MIL is the one not paying attention to our wishes. The biggest fight she and DH ever had was because he asked her to stop feeding them cookies, and she did it anyway.
Well, as they say...you can choose your friends but not your family. I know I have made mistakes in my interactions, at times, with everyone who matters in my life --- as has each of them. There is a difference between wanting to have supportive and loving relationships or looking for reasons to reject and distance. Its in the want. But you can't dance with a partner who refuses to get on the dance floor. I am reading all these posts and know MIL/DIL or even adult parent to child relationships can be any and everything on the spectrum of human relationships. It is very puzzling to us when we want to give love and it is rejected......
I've been reading this thread and I wonder if the DIL is even the real problem.
Your son is the adult child of an alcoholic. I wonder if he has ever sought any sort of counseling for issues he may have? I find it interesting that many of your relationship problems with him are coming to a head now; now that his own child is the age that he was when you left his father.
I could also see where giving any sort of parenting advice would be a huge sticking point. From his little six-year-old-brain's perspective, his life was quite possibly a living hell. That you should now give him advice about how to raise a child may bring up all sort of negative emotions.
Anyway, just wanted to toss that out there as something else to consider.
I've been reading this thread and I wonder if the DIL is even the real problem.
Your son is the adult child of an alcoholic. I wonder if he has ever sought any sort of counseling for issues he may have? I find it interesting that many of your relationship problems with him are coming to a head now; now that his own child is the age that he was when you left his father.
I could also see where giving any sort of parenting advice would be a huge sticking point. From his little six-year-old-brain's perspective, his life was quite possibly a living hell. That you should now give him advice about how to raise a child may bring up all sort of negative emotions.
Anyway, just wanted to toss that out there as something else to consider.
Very interesting thoughts ..... you are, however, not suggesting for one second that I recommend counseling...
This is similar to my MIL. I've never heard anyone else describe theirs this way. My MIL is sweet as pie to everyone she knows, including me; but she is mean to my husband and to her own husband (DH's step dad). I've been trying to figure her out for years. I think her first husband was so abusive, that she mistreats the men in her life now.
We have had several incidents where we are trying to do the "right" thing - feed them healthy food, adhere to bed times, etc, and MIL is the one not paying attention to our wishes. The biggest fight she and DH ever had was because he asked her to stop feeding them cookies, and she did it anyway.
My MIL wasn't close with her father. As far as I can tell, he was a good man, but he worked a lot. She's not close to her brother, who (other than cousins) is her only family outside the one she made. She's fairly close to her husband. They travel and do things together, but when she's home, it's all about her daughters. I don't understand how she can treat her son so badly. She's a devout Christian, and everyone thinks she's wonderful, kind, holy, etc. It makes me hopping mad, but there's nothing I can do. My family loves my husband and treats him very, very well.
Our history is why I'm always leery of the bad DIL stories. I do know some DIL behave horribly, but sometimes it really is the MIL.
My MIL wasn't close with her father. As far as I can tell, he was a good man, but he worked a lot. She's not close to her brother, who (other than cousins) is her only family outside the one she made. She's fairly close to her husband. They travel and do things together, but when she's home, it's all about her daughters. I don't understand how she can treat her son so badly. She's a devout Christian, and everyone thinks she's wonderful, kind, holy, etc. It makes me hopping mad, but there's nothing I can do. My family loves my husband and treats him very, very well.
Our history is why I'm always leery of the bad DIL stories. I do know some DIL behave horribly, but sometimes it really is the MIL.
Mine too! She lives in a small-ish town and seems to know everyone and have tons of friends. It all seems so fake to me when I hear her talk to her son. I will probably never understand it. She's very into the appearance of a close-knit family too. She tries to make us look super close and happy, including my husbands 2 stepbrothers. It just isn't reality.
Read a few posts here but will not take the time on all of them.
As a old fogey (80) have experienced some of the problems written here.
I was the only child and raised 5 of my own plus two step children from early age. My mother would put her opinions out front that caused a little friction with my wife. Finally I said, " Mom, you only raised me and I have the 7 with 7 different personalities to deal with".
Fast forward. After my kids got married I stay away a lot and never gave my thoughts as I knew there would be a problem with the DIL...sure enough when invited over for dinner one time DIL asked about the taste of the meal and as a FIL I honestly commented about the spice factor. Nothing major. I was never asked over for dinner again and that was over 30 yrs ago. Son said his wifes feelings were hurt...over the amount of spice in the food.
Another sons wife also never invited me over for dinner over the yrs...in fact none ever did.
Will say that my wife died (Cancer) when the kids were still in their teens and I had remained single over the yrs and just worked many hrs in my business to keep my sanity alive.
My Grandchildren were/are not that close to me even today and I blame the parents for that in the kids upbringing. Even the cousins (grandkids) are not close to each other even as Adults. Here again the fault of their parents.
I just stayed away even today and there is NO visible friction I'm aware of.
So...thanx for my lamenting of a possible similar situation on C-D.
Read a few posts here but will not take the time on all of them.
As a old fogey (80) have experienced some of the problems written here.
I was the only child and raised 5 of my own plus two step children from early age. My mother would put her opinions out front that caused a little friction with my wife. Finally I said, " Mom, you only raised me and I have the 7 with 7 different personalities to deal with".
Fast forward. After my kids got married I stay away a lot and never gave my thoughts as I knew there would be a problem with the DIL...sure enough when invited over for dinner one time DIL asked about the taste of the meal and as a FIL I honestly commented about the spice factor. Nothing major. I was never asked over for dinner again and that was over 30 yrs ago. Son said his wifes feelings were hurt...over the amount of spice in the food.
Another sons wife also never invited me over for dinner over the yrs...in fact none ever did.
Will say that my wife died (Cancer) when the kids were still in their teens and I had remained single over the yrs and just worked many hrs in my business to keep my sanity alive.
My Grandchildren were/are not that close to me even today and I blame the parents for that in the kids upbringing. Even the cousins (grandkids) are not close to each other even as Adults. Here again the fault of their parents.
I just stayed away even today and there is NO visible friction I'm aware of.
So...thanx for my lamenting of a possible similar situation on C-D.
Steve
Wow, no offense, but your sons are fools. There isnt a woman in this world...my wife included, that can keep me away from my family. In fact any one that tries that will be removed from my life VERY quickly. I'm sure there is another side to this story, but assuming the whole spicy dish incident is the real reason for you DILs blocking you out of their life then the shame/blame falls mostly on your sons.
What is so hard about saying ...honey my dad doesnt like spicy food, perhaps i forgot to tell you...and then I would let YOU know that for the sake of peace, you should keep some of your honesty to yourself. Simple and then move on. How do you keep your children away from their grandparents? I have a difference of opinion with my dad every now and then, but i will never deprive him of the opportunity to bond with what appears to be his new pride (his grand child).
Trust me Steve, your children will regret not spending time with you unfortunately, i'm afraid by the time they figure it out, it'll be too late. I have a feeling their children will pick up on this horrible behavior and put them through the same pain.
Percentage - would you mind sharing what it was in your upbringing that made you know and want to protect the bond with your Mom? I have 2 brothers for whom this saying is absolutely true and a husband who would have done anything for his Mom (in a healthy way!) until the day she died. I worry about this with my little boy because I can't even imagine the hurt it would cause me.
Just saw this post..sorry for the delayed response. I honestly cant pinpoint any particular incident. I just realized early in my childhood how much my mother sacrificed to make us happy...running like crazy to get me to practice, doctors visits, traveling, balancing the demands of a husband, very active children and her side of the family..etc....She just did so much to make our childhood a pleasant experience. And this is in addition to working full time so believe me when i say there isnt a person alive that will keep me away from them. I am very fortunate to have married a woman that shares the exact same family values as me.
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