Can you talk to your teen? (girlfriend, friend, father, adult)
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I find that almost everything I say to my kid (18) annoys him so I never know what to say or how to have a normal conversation with him anymore, especially when I am alone in the car with him. You know...that deadly silence with your mind racing trying to think of something you can talk about that won't get the usual reaction like, "just stop" or "I don't want to talk about this" and my personal favorite, "yea, no, I don't know". Anyone have anything to add?
Aaaaand, back to the original question: My three boys are almost out of the teen stage. There were indeed times when getting them to converse was barely worth the effort, more so with one than the other two.
I backed off. If they didn't want to talk, I didn't press. Patience usually paid off, and a few quiet days would be followed by an easier two-way dialogue.
If they stuck their IPod buds in their ears in the car, I let it go. Honestly, there are times when I just don't feel like talking either.
OP, I am not familiar with your other threads, and won't call what sounds like pretty normal teen moodiness anything but that. Ignorance may be bliss in this case, but I can only call it like I see it.
Bbekity it sounds like you moved and downsized? Did his attitude change and did he start acting out after his living conditions changed. (Trying to figure out why he's acting like he is to find the solution.)
Due to the economy, we were forced to downsize and had a lot of personal loss. Yes, my family and I have experienced great changes in our lives and our son was old enough to go through it too. Yes it affected him but he always managed to make a lot of friends and the mothers loved him because he was helpful and polite. My son is embarrassed to have his friends here because he is very self conscience about our small place and the location. He never went without what he needed and managed to have amazing birthdays and holidays. My husband and I have completely gone without so he would be able experience things a teen should experience like concerts, going away for a week with another family, guitar lessons, drum lessons....whatever opened his world for him and to not focus on what we didn't have. This included family therapy and private therapy to help him explore his feelings while going through trying times.
Also - we have no music room, media room, pool, pool table, etc. but our home is someplace kids enjoy being. They choose our house over larger houses (even ones with pools!) because it's pleasant to be here. There's no large gathering place with privacy, we're all crammed together usually.
Quote:
Originally Posted by haggardhouseelf
Woah woah... no no no... The kids brought over the extra tV's and monitors and games and wires and cords and cables from their houses and set them up at our place. We have ONE TV for our whole house. We don't even have cable TV. And I said in that post that we were living at that time in a very small 2 bedroom APARTMENT...
My little house was constantly filled with kids. Any given weeknight or summer had six to eight kids sleeping on my living room floor. I never told my children they couldn't have friends over. Our house was always open to my children's friends without restrictions on how many friends, how many nights, etc. Like haggard mentioned, their friends brought their gadgets over to our house if we didn't have them. I cooked huge breakfasts and dinners with all of the teens helping me make many of the meals. My tiny house was THE place to be. And I liked it that way because I never had to worry about my children.
Quote:
Originally Posted by CharlotteGal
If teens are choosing to not come to your house, there may be something there for you to look at. Or not. We're not you. We don't know your home. This is for you to take in, and consider. You don't have to defend yourself with every post. It's just not necessary.
Exactly. Based on my experience and the experience of others in this thread, tiny houses don't cause teens to stay away. We simply shared our experiences.
Quote:
Originally Posted by bbekity
My son is embarrassed to have his friends here because he is very self conscience about our small place and the location.
He couldn't have been too embarrassed. He brought his girlfriend to your house. We know that because you have forbidden him from bringing her there.
btw, I would never enforce another parent's restrictions like that, not once my children are an adult. IMO that father should have talked directly to your son, not you. This is between them.
My little house was constantly filled with kids. Any given weeknight or summer had six to eight kids sleeping on my living room floor. I never told my children they couldn't have friends over. Our house was always open to my children's friends without restrictions on how many friends, how many nights, etc. Like haggard mentioned, their friends brought their gadgets over to our house if we didn't have them. I cooked huge breakfasts and dinners with all of the teens helping me make many of the meals. My tiny house was THE place to be. And I liked it that way because I never had to worry about my children.
Exactly. Based on my experience and the experience of others in this thread, tiny houses don't cause teens to stay away. We simply shared our experiences.
He couldn't have been too embarrassed. He brought his girlfriend to your house. We know that because you have forbidden him from bringing her there.
btw, I would never enforce another parent's restrictions like that, not once my children are an adult. IMO that father should have talked directly to your son, not you. This is between them.
Again, you just draw conclusions...the wrong ones. The father did not talk to me..he told his daughter. This is my house and I will not contribute to another parent's law. My son will not sneek around with our help. And where did I say he brought his gf to our house? We have not met, she has not been here or even sneaked here. My son's ex came over all the time. Our house was refuge from her home life and we loved her and took them on day trips with us. The pain is still pretty fresh after their break up.
We have always welcomed his friends to come over anytime and sleep over which hasn't happened too much since living here. Haven't seen a lot of sleep overs with other guys at the college level.
So since I feel this thread has become a runaway train slinging words at each other, I am pulling out of the discussion. Talk amongst yourself like I'm not here....because I'm not
Again, you just draw conclusions...the wrong ones. The father did not talk to me..he told his daughter. This is my house and I will not contribute to another parent's law. My son will not sneek around with our help. And where did I say he brought his gf to our house? We have not met, she has not been here or even sneaked here.
Why would you tell him that he can't bring her to your house when he has never brought her to your house?
That seems like unnecessary grandstanding on your part over something that is essentially none of your business.
So your son told you about this himself and you responded like this. AND you wonder why he doesn't want communicate with you?
Quote:
Originally Posted by bbekity
My son's ex came over all the time. Our house was refuge from her home life and we loved her and took them on day trips with us. The pain is still pretty fresh after their break up.
I'm confused. Your son has a new girlfriend. Are you talking about your own pain?
WOW, I guess I was really lucky, I had no problems with my teens, thank God they are in their 20's now....but being a very young father myself, I am imagining that was a big part of it. It was probably easy for the boys to talk to me since I wasn't like an old fuddy duddy father............I mean, I am NOW though...LOL
. After our last big blow out and writing a contract with him, he has freely come in my room to show me a song he wrote, talked about his guitar lesson and music, the girl he likes....he opened up...When I mother too much, he closed down and gets frustrated that I am not treating him like an 18 year old, hence....just stop. In the future, I will not have him text when we go out to eat.
Bebekity, I think you answered your own question. Your son came into your room and played a song for you? Then what did you do? Does "mother too much" mean nag? (We all nag. Try not to take offense.)
Your family has been through a lot. The economy has hit a lot of families, very, very hard. Sounds like you took a pretty big hit and that is going to affect everything.
Next time your son approaches you...let him talk. If you are in the car together... let him talk. Do not ask him questions. Resist the urge to interrupt. Do not nag. I have an idea he has a whole lot he needs to get off hs chest. I think you said you paid for counseling? How about just letting him know that you are there for him. A note on his pillow.
I'm trying to say this nicely. You've argued with other posters here giving you advice. Do you argue with your son? Think about that. And if he starts spilling it, shut the heck up and let him say what he wants to say.
(Someone I loved said to me, "You nag too much." I was hurt because I thought I was all-knowing. But I was nagging. Best advice I ever got.)
WOW, I guess I was really lucky, I had no problems with my teens, thank God they are in their 20's now....but being a very young father myself, I am imagining that was a big part of it. It was probably easy for the boys to talk to me since I wasn't like an old fuddy duddy father............I mean, I am NOW though...LOL
My husband and I feel that way, too, sometimes. I mean... our boys certainly have their moody moments but there's always a reason, we let them chill out... and then we talk about it and life is set to rights again. My husband and I were very young when we started having our kids. I don't want to start a too old/too young/right age/wrong age debate thing here, I mean I am sure there are perks to being an older parent as well; but personally we've had more problems with our kids public schools than we've had with our kids. And my husband and I have spoken many times about how we feel being young is one of the reasons why we're able to relate and have an easy time with our kids.
Would you want your husbad to buy shoes for you without you there? Is shopping with your kids something you don't enjoy and that's why you buy shoes with out him? By the way...I must have missed how old your children are because sometimes it sounds at times like some parent's here are decribing grammar or middle school age children, not a young adult in College. I wouldn't let anyone buy clothes or shoes for me without my being there. Ever a teen? I bet you never fought with you mom about the clothes you wanted as opposed to what your mom would pick out for you without you there?
No but my husband generally doesn't discipline me either. If your kid is being arrogant and disrespectful towards you, I would not give him a choice as to what you bought.
I've been a teen. I needed to learn in the school of hard knocks. Many teens do.
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