Teen-not sure what to believe/do (custody, punishment, teens, allowance)

[momtothree]

I recently took in a 14 year old family member. He is a nice kid and very similar to us in personality. Meaning he is fun and outgoing how we are. My two girls, ages 3 and 8 are fine with him in the home. He started his new school and is a honors student. My husband who is actually his direct family, of course loves him and gets along with him fine. Let's say his name is Bob for the post.

Me being a new mom to a teen is trying to adjust and be understanding. A few incidents popped up and I am trying to see what they are. Typical teen things or something I should look into. And how to handle them. I need advice from other moms of teen boys!

Incident one: My daughter's DS game went missing. This is a game that is ALWAYS in her gameboy. She never takes it out. She only uses the DS to play that particular game. So when she tried to play it and it was gone, she asked me what happened to it. Husband and I looked all over the house. Bob was sitting at the computer listening to all this but didn't say a word. Dh asked him if he borrowed it? Bob said no. Daughter was heartbroken as she saved up her allowance for this not cheap game. We all kind of went back to what we were doing when I hear Bob in the other room call daughter down. Bob told her to look one more time all over. Daughter did so and found the game. Where? In the original place we keep her ds. Daughter, husband and I looked in there and this was empty. There was no way the game could have been missed by all three of us. Husband asked again to Bob if he borrowed this. Bob said no.

Incident two: We bought him a new cellphone. He had one before and I know his mom had issues with him downloading things. Knowing this, husband and I both told him clearly that no downloading is allowed nor the internet. We have several computers and he is welcome to them. He said alright. I just got a bill and it stated $54 in internet use. He only had the phone for 10 days at that point. Livid, husband called Bob in and Bon denied it. We showed him the usage linked with his number and the dates and times he used it. Bob said nope, not him. He is new to this town so he doesn't have friends that would have done this. My daughter has her own phone and wouldn't use his not that Bob let's go of his either. So it could ONLY be Bob. He won't admit it. Husband is making him do chores to "work" it off. He told Bob once more this happens, the phone gets taken away.

I have other small incidents but I don't want this post to turn into a book! I guess what bothers me, is that in all the incidents that we "catch" him in, he never ever admits wrongdoing/lying. Ever. When pushed he gets angry and says it is the "company" mistake etc. Not ever him.

Is this typical teen behaviour not to admite wrongdoing? I am so used to my girls who involuntarily blurt out the truth at the first stern look from me. LOL Help? What punishment is suitable or creative that works for teens?

[Haaziq]

Originally Posted by momtothree

Is this typical teen behaviour not to admite wrongdoing?

No, you should look into it more.

I'm willing to bet he's probably a chronic liar.

[fierce_flawless]

I hate to say it but I have to chime in with Haaziq. This is *NOT* normal behavior as far as I've seen what's normal and what's not with teen boys.

My experiences are with my own son (16), as well as with a step child who is almost the same age as my son. The types of behaviors you mention were evident with the step child, who has a great deal of problems, behavorial issues, psychological problems, emotional problems, etc.

My own son who is pretty emotionally healthy and while by no means perfect, has no "issues" doesn't do that sort of thing. The other one does.

It got to the point that he no longer lives in our home and lives with relative who has no other kids in the home so she has time to devote to his needs and issues full time. He was disrupting the peace constantly. Stealing from family members (even the younger ones, with their little-kid toys) and hiding their stuff, lying about everything, hoarding food or eating ALL the food when we weren't looking (even though he was allowed to have anything, within reason, if he'd just ask)...if we bought some sort of "treat" food, like cookies, he'd eat them all and then lie about it even if you caught him with crumbs on his face.

He was also very "nice", polite, conversational, etc. All the stuff he did was sneaky and deceptive, not in-your-face.

I would seek some professional help.

[KittySkyfish]

I don't think you have a typical teenager. Not because of his actions but because you had to take him in. He's been separated from his parents for what seems to be a long duration in order to live with you. I can't think of any situation causing this that would NOT exacerbate emotional and social issues with an adolescent.

Do you know if he exhibited these traits with his parents? Were there reasons he'd be maladjusted at home? It's hard to know if this was going on before he arrived and if this is common for him or if it's a new trait. I know you didn't provide a lot of detail in your post, but if it's the latter situation I have a hunch that this type of lying is his way of exhibiting aggression and frustration towards you and your family.

Adolescents don't think like adults. He may not see your kindness and willingness to parent him as a good thing. Maybe he's resentful at you and your husband for interfering with his life by having to live with you rather than live with his parents.

I also agree that you should seek a professional's opinion. You may also find help within support groups for foster/adoption circles.

[FarNorthDallas]

I have a teen son and that pattern of lying and stealing is not typical behavior. I have seen it in some kids over the years. It starts young and never goes away, yet they are quite the charmers. "Regular" kids may have one or two of these type situations over the years, but they usually confess, show remorse, cry at getting caught, don't show a pattern.

Why did you have to take him in?

[Siobjuan]

I wouldn't say that it's completely 'abnormal'. I have a 16 and 13 yo and they lie all the time. They will deny until they are blue in the face. (yes, i usually know right away they are lying and sometimes the devil in me just has to see HOW far they'll take it!) Sounds to me like he is pushing your buttons to see what he can get away with, what the boundaries REALLY are and what kind of punishments he'll be expecting. Oh, and he's probably expecting you to pawn him off to someone else too.

[925mine]

I disagree strongly with all but the last post.

A couple of things. First, he has a lot to get used to being in your family and learning your habits and expectations. Even though he lied about the game, he did put it back (shows conscience) and told your daughter where to find it. He was probably embarrassed that he took it and all of you suspected him.

Second: The cell phone. Call the company you have service with, and request they take internet and texting OFF the phone. My daughter has a cell phone, but I requested Sprint take off the internet service and texting because it was more expensive than I could afford. She has phone service and can take pictures, but cannot download or do anything else. WORKS GREAT. I don't have to worry about what she's doing with it.

Ok, three things: Give the boy some time and make sure he feels welcome and a part of your family. He sounds like he's a good boy with some problems of family boundaries, probably he wasn't used to the rules you go by. Remember, 14 is a difficult time developmentally by anybody's standards and this boy has a lot of adjusting to do on top of puberty and a new school, etc..

At least for a while, be patient and let him know what you expect. Give him a chance to adjust.

[charz]

It is probably not normal for a well-adjusted teen who's grown up in a stable environment. However, I use to teach teens who lived in an emergency child shelter while awaiting placement in state custody. The behavior you described was very typical of those boys. Some of them looked me directly in the eye and lied. Others stole anything that they could get their hands on. I don't know why they did this, but I do know what worked. When you suspect he's lying, tighten the leash (remove internet off phone, ground, take away privileges). When he is behaving appropriately, he earns privileges back (although I wouldn't restore internet on phone until he can be trusted). Be steady in your commitment--don't ever threaten to send him back. Be honest with him. When he learns that you can be trusted, the behavior will lessen.

[momtothree]

We took him in as his mom, dh's mom, passed away quite unexpectedly. She was only 45. He had the option of living with his father who was not married with his mom. Or us. He chose us quite vehementally as he does NOT like his dad. While we never said it, I suppose he might worry that we won't want him one day and send him to his dad. But how can I convey to him that this will never happen. However I won't tolerate the behviour described in this thread either!

I read his myspace page unknown to him and he tells everyone he likes it here and feels at home with us.

He did domething of this at home with his mom. His mom complained alot about him but never really any details. And not knowing all this would happen, I didn't push for details. I do remember the phone and some computer stuff. I know he is the youngest and was spoiled somewhat before. His mom treasured him and was disappointed at his lack of gratitude. But we all know this is typical teen!

We are just addressing as per incident. We did enroll in counseling and will be bringing this up. I internally and here in this forum was just full of questions and not sure how to handle it. I will also go to the library and get a few books too. Any reccomendations?

I remember being a teen and always being grounded. I don't want to do that to him or my girls. I am much more creative in my punishments in where it is more effective than a sullen grounded kid. I just don't know if it is too "childish" for the teen though.

Thanks for the advice and please keep them coming!

[sskkc]

The phone thing... if he signed up with something online and used the number, it's possibly spam.. call your cell provider. This happened to my dh - he's 35 and has no interest in that stuff. We almost never use our cells, share a 700 minute a month plan and typically use less than 300 combined. Check the cell phone bill every month as once the spammers have the number, it takes drastic action to get them to stop.

Other than that, here's some unsolicited advice: Teenagers/children are not entitled to privacy... they are entitled to the ILLUSION of privacy. Also, make sure your dh spends lots of time (one on one) with his little brother. Maybe once a week, same time each week, they go play basketball then have lunch for instance.