Anger issues in a 5 year old (teens, babies, wife, play)
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My gut says he is a normal little boy and we need to have more consistent consequences for his unacceptable behavior. Thinking about it, I can't believe he's been getting away with calling us "stupid" and saying he hates us. (BTW, he got the "stupid" thing from preschool -- we certainly do not use that word directed at people). We tell him he is not to use those words in our family (or to anyone) but then we do nothing about it.
I'm thinking of the time-out for when he has a temper tantrum, but when he just gets a little mad and says those things to us? I'm not sure -- I had a few ideas. It could be a time-out i suppose, but I was also thinking of turning the tv off immediately if it's on, or taking away 15 minutes of tv time if it's not on (but at 5, will he really get that concept of subtracting tv time?)
On the positive reinforcement side, we will both try to be very vigilant in identifying those times he is calm, especially when he handles frustration or anger calmly. He gets this huge smile on his face whenever we point out something positive that he does, so that will help a lot I would think.
Thanks for all of the input.
He probably wouldn't understand the subtraction of TV time. At 5 one thing you could do is a cost response system. On that's worked good with my clients in the past is to make a poster with all of the positive behaviors you want to see, and the negative behaviors you want to get rid of. Make sure you have the same number of each, or more positive than negative. Then assign a value to each. For example if he vacuums he gets a quarter, but he he yells at you he gives you a quarter. Place higher values depending on what you feel is more important. Make sure nothing costs 5$ is he only earns 0.25$. This works great, and he can learn about money as well. Plus once he saves up some money he can go to the store to pick something. It's important to remember to have him pay you when he's demonstrating negative behaviors too. I hope I explained that well.
My gut says he is a normal little boy and we need to have more consistent consequences for his unacceptable behavior. Thinking about it, I can't believe he's been getting away with calling us "stupid" and saying he hates us. (BTW, he got the "stupid" thing from preschool -- we certainly do not use that word directed at people). We tell him he is not to use those words in our family (or to anyone) but then we do nothing about it.
I'm thinking of the time-out for when he has a temper tantrum, but when he just gets a little mad and says those things to us? I'm not sure -- I had a few ideas. It could be a time-out i suppose, but I was also thinking of turning the tv off immediately if it's on, or taking away 15 minutes of tv time if it's not on (but at 5, will he really get that concept of subtracting tv time?)
On the positive reinforcement side, we will both try to be very vigilant in identifying those times he is calm, especially when he handles frustration or anger calmly. He gets this huge smile on his face whenever we point out something positive that he does, so that will help a lot I would think.
Thanks for all of the input.
Hmm, lawmom, my thoughts on that are that getting a little mad and saying those things are adequate grounds for a time out. He needs to know that it's not acceptable to say those things - ever. Even a little bit.
I've been through this myself - without the name calling, and I really do find that removal from whatever is going on is the most effective. I've tried turning off the TV immediately too, actually, but it didn't really do anything but make the mad person madder, without accomplishing anything, which is not really the goal.
I must need work on my "stern tone of voice" because I swear I use it a lot in these situations. I know I do resort to yelling not infrequently.
I totally understand!
I think the trick with the firm/stern tone of voice is that it never escalates, no matter how crazy said child is driving you (easier said than done, I know!!). That and pairing the firm tone of voice with an immediate consequence, like how FinsterRufus described the naughty step.
It usually is painful as all get out for the first week or so, but if you can remain consistent with it, eventually the tone of voice alone will act as a deterrant.
We've gotten to the point with DS3 that when I use "the voice," he will immediately go to his room for a time-out, without me having to say anything (shocked me the first time he did this!). We think of time-outs as both removal from reinforcing stimuli and giving him an opportunity to self-regulate/calm down (if a child has the skills to do this, giving them the space to do it is huge; if they need help self-regulating, you may need to adjust the strategy so that you're teaching them how to calm down without reinforcing the "angry behavior").
PS I can't think of the name right now, but there are Anger Management for Kids workbooks - a Cognitive-Behavioral therapist who works with kids would probably be able to recommend one that is developmentally appropriate, if you need some ideas. Hang in there, lawmom!
OP, you are describing the behavior of my friend's son to a "T". This little boy was also my son's best friend. I had to keep a close eye on them, because angry boy would punch, bite, and scream, and my son would stand there and take it.
His parents were at constant odds about his behavior. Mom would yell, and Dad would comfort.
But, to offer encouragement, "angry boy" is now 20 years old, and the sweetest young man ever. He and my son have remained best friends through several moves and college. I love the way he turned out!
I must need work on my "stern tone of voice" because I swear I use it a lot in these situations. I know I do resort to yelling not infrequently.
And of course there is "The Look". This is used in places like church. "The Look" is one step down from "The Death Stare".
Nobody wants to get The Death Stare.
The other day my DH and I were watching old home movies. I realised he also snapped his fingers. Snapping his fingers meant "Time to settle down and pay attention."
My gut says he is a normal little boy and we need to have more consistent consequences for his unacceptable behavior. Thinking about it, I can't believe he's been getting away with calling us "stupid" and saying he hates us. (BTW, he got the "stupid" thing from preschool -- we certainly do not use that word directed at people). We tell him he is not to use those words in our family (or to anyone) but then we do nothing about it.
I'm thinking of the time-out for when he has a temper tantrum, but when he just gets a little mad and says those things to us? I'm not sure -- I had a few ideas. It could be a time-out i suppose, but I was also thinking of turning the tv off immediately if it's on, or taking away 15 minutes of tv time if it's not on (but at 5, will he really get that concept of subtracting tv time?)
On the positive reinforcement side, we will both try to be very vigilant in identifying those times he is calm, especially when he handles frustration or anger calmly. He gets this huge smile on his face whenever we point out something positive that he does, so that will help a lot I would think.
Thanks for all of the input.
How about a family meeting where you lay down the rules and consequences? Involving your other kid(s) will help your 5-year-old know that everyone is subject to the same expectations. Something like:
1. No one calls anyone a name. If you call someone "stupid" you go to your room until you're ready to apologize and behave.
2. No one hits anyone. (You say he stops himself--this would positively reinforce the control he already has.)
3. Mom and Dad are the adults and make the rules. If you are won't do what Mom and Dad ask you to do, you don't get to watch TV for the rest of the day.
etc. etc.
Let him come up with some rules, or maybe some sort of reward system if he goes a week without a tantrum or other unacceptable behavior.
You and your husband both have to be willing to enforce the rules though. But then you get to blame the "house rules" for the consequence and it puts the responsibility for the behavior on your son's shoulders.
Anyway--just some ideas.
FWIW, my dd threw some fairly fierce tantrums as well. No name-calling, but crying, yelling, door-slamming, etc. They were almost always tied to her either being tired or over-stimulated somehow. She outgrew them by the time she was six I'd say. Hang in there and if consistent calm discipline doesn't help I'd get a professional evaluation.
I'm thinking of the time-out for when he has a temper tantrum, but when he just gets a little mad and says those things to us? I'm not sure -- I had a few ideas. It could be a time-out i suppose, but I was also thinking of turning the tv off immediately if it's on, or taking away 15 minutes of tv time if it's not on (but at 5, will he really get that concept of subtracting tv time?)
That deserves an immediate time out. The punishment has to happen when you catch them in the act, not hours later.
Quote:
Originally Posted by lawmom
I must need work on my "stern tone of voice" because I swear I use it a lot in these situations. I know I do resort to yelling not infrequently.
You don't want to make a habit of yelling. They just tune you out, especially if there are no consequences other than yelling.
I watch it happen every day across the street from me. The father is a huge yeller. His daughter completely ignores him, but sometimes she laughs and dances away.
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