First time parent (teenager, babies, pregnant, parents)

[riaelise]

You know, I'm pretty confident in the many other aspects of my life, but parenting is the one thing that leaves me constantly wondering if I am doing the right thing. I take parenting very seriously because I understand fully what a major responsibility parenting is. I think a huge part of why I turned out a success today is due to an involved mother who truly invested her all into my development. And things of course weren't always rainbows and farts -- we had our drama moments when I was a teen, she had to administer discipline frequently in the early days, we've had our fights. But at the end of the day, all of that "work" paid off -- I am now a thoughtful, respectful, independent, decent person. I really want to be the same to my own child.

My intentions are good, but often, especially now that my daughter is 4.5 years old and of course, doing what 4 -year olds do, I find myself wondering if I am, like I said, doing the right thing. Even though I draw on my mother as inspiration, at the same time, God has given me a child who is decidedly different from myself. My daughter, who I love dearly, is very clearly an alpha. While I, and nearly all of the women in my family, are alphas to varying extent, my daughter is truly a born leader, independent, headstrong, assertive, extroverted, and a total alpha. She often doesn't make requests, but orders, and we have to keep correcting her about that. She balances the alpha tendencies by being very intuitive and empathetic and overall a delightful child. It's interesting for me that a girl who definitely doesn't give a hoot about many things truly takes to heart emotions and the consequences of her actions. Because my daughter differs from my own personality and naturally "first time" jitters, every now and then I find myself not quite as secure as I would like to be and wondering if my parenting style is "right" for lack of a better word. So far, I am going with instinct, but like tonight, I wondered if I was being too harsh on her. (Of course, I don't let on this lack of confidence when I am admonishing her) There's not a real wellspring out there for me to fish from. I guess that's what brings me to a forum like this.

To all you first timers, do you find yourselves feeling like this at times? Or maybe I'm just extra emotional because I'm pregnant?

To you experienced parents, how to you overcome the "first time" hurdles and anything you'd care to share?

TIA.

[malamute]

I think if you're pretty much consistent with what rules you set, you can be strict or lenient and children can turn out. You don't laugh at sassing one time and then discipline for it the next - the boundaries are up to you.

I think with many kids, wherever you set the boundaries, they'll go out and push against them - if you say they have to be home by 10 pm, they'll show up at 10:30 pm, if you say 1 am, they'll come in at 1:30 am but there should be boundaries all the same.

The other thing is not to worry about being the perfect parent - maybe perfect parents don't prepare a child for imperfect teachers, professors, bosses. Maybe it's good for a child to know if they push too far, the reaction isn't always sweet. Maybe it's good for them to know they can provoke anger and all that when they go too far because that's how the world is. Parents are just people - they make mistakes or maybe they tried their best and kids will see that eventually. But also kids are just people and sometimes they make their mistakes but will end up okay.

[fallingwater]

ehhh...welcome to motherhood! I am a first time parent and the parent of an only child. No prior experience to go by and no do overs on a younger child. Just when I think I might have the parenting thing down, a new milestone comes along and gets me questioning everything I do. I now have a teenager and although a lot of the things are the same from what I remember as a teen, there are new worries and situations that are new to me.

Consistency is key and the fact that you are so concerned with your decisions makes you a good parent. Just wait till your little one starts school and you start to mingle with other parents. That is an eye opener! Hang in there, I am sure you are doing just fine. Your feelings are totally normal.

[Dragonfly8]

From your OP:

My daughter, who I love dearly, is very clearly an alpha. While I, and nearly all of the women in my family, are alphas to varying extent, my daughter is truly a born leader, independent, headstrong, assertive, extroverted, and a total alpha. She often doesn't make requests, but orders, and we have to keep correcting her about that. She balances the alpha tendencies by being very intuitive and empathetic and overall a delightful child. It's interesting for me that a girl who definitely doesn't give a hoot about many things truly takes to heart emotions and the consequences of her actions. Because my daughter differs from my own personality and naturally "first time" jitters, every now and then I find myself not quite as secure as I would like to be and wondering if my parenting style is "right" for lack of a better word. So far, I am going with instinct, but like tonight, I wondered if I was being too harsh on her.

Snip and bold by me,

You must have had to get on to her for something.

I think 4.5 may be a little young to label your daughter in the way you have. I have 5 plus a step child. Ages 4 to 19. They are all so different from each other and from when they were younger. And they do require different parenting styles. This can be challenging at times.

Consistency is the key, as others have said. Watch to make sure her assertiveness is not bossiness. Is she really headstrong or stubborn? I have a few extroverts in the bunch and they need gentle reminders if they become obnoxious with their behavior. Being alpha doesn't mean running the entire show when playing with others.

Does she attend preschool or daycare? Does she have friends she plays with?

[Hopes]

Before my first was born, I was terrified about being a mother. My friend (a nurse) told me that they sent retarded people home with babies and their children thrived. It was her way of telling me that I had nothing to worry about. Since my mother died while I was pregnant, I didn't have much guidance except from an older sister who had a child. She gave me a parenting book. I raised my first child by the book, like it was a bible. Then one day, when she was approximately 6 months old, I tossed the book aside and told myself that my instincts were good enough. Throughout the years, I would research specific problems, but my day-to-day parenting was natural.

Without detailed information about what transpired between you and your daughter, I can't guess if you were too harsh or not. Maybe you were. Or mabye you simply lack confidence and are just being hard on yourself. It's clear from your post that you love your daughter. That alone goes a long way. (We get some people who post on here who seem to downright hate their children.) Just the fact you are showing concern for being too harsh is an indication that you're a good parent. As others have said, consistency is the key. It confuses children if you are snapping one day and letting the same situation slide the next day.

[Marlow]

Another first time parent of an only child here.

Like the above poster said, I ditched the parenting book early on, too. I figured I'd just do what my parents did with a little more parental involvement. They basically let us know what was expected and then loved us through thick and thin. That seemed to take care of most things.

Don't be so caught up in "being a good parent" that you don't enjoy your daughter right now. The days fly by and she won't be little for very long. She's going to remember having fun with you and being able to make you laugh. If you're setting a good example for her, she'll turn out fine.

I have told my dd more than once that her dad and I haven't ever raised a kid before and we're doing the best we can.

[Eresh]

Wow, I could have written the OP almost word for word - even down to the currently pregnant.
So yes, I do feel the same way you do at times. I look forward to reading the responses of more experienced parents.