dealing with a 13yr old teen cousin (babysit, teens, baby)
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I would like some advice on how to handle a certain situation that is going on with my 13yr old cousin. Here is a little background info about him.
1) he's 13yr old and has a 7yr old brother and a 17yr old half-sister which he has not met yet or doesn't know about.
2) He has been suspended from school multiple times (even in alternative school). Suspensions range from swearing at students/teachers to fighting.
3) He has been expelled from multiple middle schools because of either his mouth or the fights
4) He has been caught sexting a week after I was down to visit him a few months ago.
5) He has brought a weapon to school (pocket knife)
6) He has been caught numerous times for smoking cigs (his parents do it, his grandpa does it, his grandma used to do but not any more due to her health issues)
7) Has been caught a few times for "huffing"
8) Has been to juvie multiple times
9) Parents refuse him to see a counselor as he's going through the experimentation phase of teenagers.
10) He is going through that phase that all teens go through at that age (aka puberty).
Somethings about my cousin and his family
1) My cousin (the teens dad) is a workaholic putting in 60-80hr work weeks every week. He also smokes and drinks on occasion.
2) my cousins wife (the teens mom) has no hs diploma, no GED, no drivers license and drinks and smokes.
What can I do to try and knock some sense into him? How do I tell him that the stuff he's doing can get himself killed? How do I get him to trust me and to get down deep inside to find out what the heck is going on here? Keep in mind my 13yr old cousin now has a fb account as well but has NOT accepted me as a friend yet.
Some of my friends have told me that whenever they hear things that their cousins are doing it's usually up to the cousin to knock some sense into them as they can be on their level.
What can I do if anything?
I would appreciate anything that can help me figure out if there is anything that I can do to change him so he doesn't wind up as a junkie or like his grandma who is on Oxygen 24/7/365.
Last edited by dhammerman2003; 06-28-2010 at 06:10 PM..
you cant.. he doesn t have any reason to listen to YOU.. .. at 13 his mind runs to "who the "F" are you trying to be ." he wont listen .. AND truthfully .. this is NOT your job nice of you to try and help him out but no its not your job to do anything .. thats his parents who are are still supposed to be parents ..
Juvie hasnt made him shape up has it ? dont make yourself crazy with trying to be a help .. he will just play you ..
sad fact but heres a kid who is learning his rights befor he learns the responsibility that gives him those "rights"
you cant.. he doesn t have any reason to listen to YOU
so he shouldn't listen to someone who knows what the heck is going on?
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.. .. at 13 his mind runs to "who the "F" are you trying to be ."
Someone who obviously cares and sees the red flags going off trying to get attention"
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he wont listen .. AND truthfully .. this is NOT your job nice of you to try and help him out but no its not your job to do anything .. thats his parents who are are still supposed to be parents ..
So if it's not my job to knock some sense into him and his parents refuse counseling then who's is it?
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Juvie hasnt made him shape up has it ?
To him juvie = getting away from home and not dealing with all the things happening inside the house.
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dont make yourself crazy with trying to be a help .. he will just play you ..
How will he play me? He obviously doesn't know what I've gone through as a kid and perhaps what I've gone through might actually help him see the light.
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sad fact but heres a kid who is learning his rights befor he learns the responsibility that gives him those "rights"
that is true as he loves history.....
Thanks for the advice. I'll keep those things in mind.
I could try but then again he would probably kill me if I did since he's 13yrs older than me.
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Originally Posted by Hopes
It's absolutely pathetic that many people feel the way you do----it's not my problem. I think it's wonderful that the OP wants to help.
The world would be a much better place if more children had extended family who cared enough to try to be a positive influence and intervene.
agreed. I mean if I was down where they live then yeah I would try and knock some sense and get to know him better.
People that I know who live out here are always talking about my cousin's kids do this, they babysit that, they do this, etc. so why can't I do the same? I mean even though I'm twice his age I do have an idea on what's causing what's he's doing unfortunately I can't do squat about convincing my cousin to get rid of the problem (aka his wife).
One of things that I am going to try and do the next time that I visit them is see if I can get the teen to open up to me and also see if I can get him out of the house and see how he reacts when his parents aren't around and see if he can see the other side of the coin and the other side of the family.
I was raised that family comes first (besides finding a job and your education). Being involved in scouting also taught me things about life and dealing with the facts of life. Being a polak we love and care for our family if something happens in the family we try and help to the best that we can. I know people who talk to their cousins every single day because they are very close to them. I know some people who talk to their cousins rarely because they are very distant. So why can't I do the same? I'm trying to be close to them so that way if something were to happen to them then could count on me to be there for them.
What people don't realize is that my aunt can no longer take care of my father who is in a nursing home because she can no longer take care of him she relies on my cousin to do so. He is taking a burden that I should be carrying but alas I can't as we are very far from each other. So if he can take care of my father that's in a nursing home then shouldn't I be able to knock some sense into his kids to make sure that they go down the right path and not wind up in jail or even worse on America's Most Wanted!
its not that Faworki1947 doesn't want you to help.
by all means do whatever you can.
don't get sued when you're trying to help, and the child sees it as harassment, the parents see it as kidnapping and the family excommunicates you.
people like that don't want help. your job is to wait until they ask or make sure that family KNOWS you're there.
however while making that fact known, don't be condescending. your post makes it seem like you think you're in a better place then they are and resentment happens when you act like you're doing them a favor.
always always always act like its them doing you the favor.
you will get through and see a major change if they think they're helping you, yet helping themselves.
The only way for you to "deal with the 13 yr. old cousin" is to keep your kids away from him. You have control over your own kids; you do not over this minor cousin. Pray for him, maybe talk to the family pastor about the situation if there is one, and stay otherwise out of it unless his parents ask for your guidance in dealing with him. In the meanwhile, keep your kids away and help them understand what is and what is not acceptable behavior and that the counsin fits into the "unacceptable behavior" category.
Some family members can be toxic. It is good for kids to learn this early rather later in life after harm has been done by trying to keep up relationships that should have been severed. Family does come first and your primary concern should be the negative effect on your own kids by continued association. Just my $0.02
its not that Faworki1947 doesn't want you to help.
by all means do whatever you can.
That's what I'm trying to do.
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don't get sued when you're trying to help, and the child sees it as harassment, the parents see it as kidnapping and the family excommunicates you.
My cousin won't sue me as I'm not going to be kidnapping my younger cousin and taking him far far away from his parents. Even I know that kidnapping is against the law. As far as the harassment is concerned I don't think it's harassment if I'm just giving advice and explaining what happened to me when I was a kid.
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people like that don't want help. your job is to wait until they ask or make sure that family KNOWS you're there.
My aunt knows I'm there for him and so does the 13yr old.
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however while making that fact known, don't be condescending. your post makes it seem like you think you're in a better place then they are and resentment happens when you act like you're doing them a favor.
And they know all I'm trying to do is help them out. As far as being in a better place yeah that is true especially if we are distant to begin with (by distant I do mean in terms of miles and relationship).
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always always always act like its them doing you the favor.
That's what I'm trying to do.
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you will get through and see a major change if they think they're helping you, yet helping themselves.
Thanks for that advice I'll keep that in mind.
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Originally Posted by lifelongMOgal
The only way for you to "deal with the 13 yr. old cousin" is to keep your kids away from him. You have control over your own kids; you do not over this minor cousin. Pray for him, maybe talk to the family pastor about the situation if there is one, and stay otherwise out of it unless his parents ask for your guidance in dealing with him. In the meanwhile, keep your kids away and help them understand what is and what is not acceptable behavior and that the counsin fits into the "unacceptable behavior" category.
I know that I have control over my kids (but I don't have any). The 13yr old's younger brother already sees the results of what his older brother is doing and won't follow in big brothers foot steps.
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Some family members can be toxic. It is good for kids to learn this early rather later in life after harm has been done by trying to keep up relationships that should have been severed. Family does come first and your primary concern should be the negative effect on your own kids by continued association. Just my $0.02
That is true and that is one lesson I would like to teach them as well.
Words from a distant (by miles and relationship) cousin aren't going to be much influence on a 13yo. Especially when those words are telling him everything he is doing wrong in life.
Is the cousin asking for your help?
Unless you are going to move, there isn't much you can do if the parents aren't willing to see that their son needs help. You seem angry at the boy's momma, but all the "blame" cannot be on her, the father is there too, even if he chooses to work many hours. You can contact CPS if you feel the child is in danger, but other than that, you cannot "force" anyone to do anything.
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