dealing with a 13yr old teen cousin (legal, teenager, support)
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Words from a distant (by miles and relationship) cousin aren't going to be much influence on a 13yo. Especially when those words are telling him everything he is doing wrong in life.
Well what he is doing is wrong in life and I can see it but not my cousin then something is wrong here.
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Is the cousin asking for your help?
His grandma (my aunt) has asked me to try and knock some sense into him. My cousin has also asked me to knock some sense into him as well.
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Unless you are going to move, there isn't much you can do if the parents aren't willing to see that their son needs help. You seem angry at the boy's momma, but all the "blame" cannot be on her, the father is there too, even if he chooses to work many hours. You can contact CPS if you feel the child is in danger, but other than that, you cannot "force" anyone to do anything.
I am planning on moving down towards them but until I graduate from college and find a job in that area I can't do much other than talk to them.
I do blame my cousins wife for a lot of it as she's even told her son that she wishes that he was never born and she doesn't care about him, etc.
Well what he is doing is wrong in life and I can see it but not my cousin then something is wrong here.
His grandma (my aunt) has asked me to try and knock some sense into him. My cousin has also asked me to knock some sense into him as well.
I am planning on moving down towards them but until I graduate from college and find a job in that area I can't do much other than talk to them.
I do blame my cousins wife for a lot of it as she's even told her son that she wishes that he was never born and she doesn't care about him, etc.
Blaming his mom, even though she sounds like a truly horrible person, isn't going to help him AT ALL. Even at the age of 13, the choices your cousin is making are his own, they are affecting him and others, he is the one choosing....he can't blame other people for his actions. The sooner he gets over her or whoever in his life he feels is to blame, the sooner he will be ready to move in a positive direction.
Keep making yourself available to him. Does HE want to interact with you? And I don't mean in the 'knock some sense' into him way...I doubt he needs you for that as much as he needs you to be a stable and strong positive influence for him.
DH worked with a boy that age for more than a year (I'll call him Chris). DH never tried to 'knock sense' into him. They went fishing. They cleaned the garage. They worked on homework together. DH taught him how to fix the lawnmower. Basically, they spent time together. They talked about stuff, they learned to trust each other. Over time Chris really opened up to DH. The change in Chris was remarkable. Unfortunately, we moved and when his mom got a serious boyfriend Chris was sent to live with his deadbeat dad. Over time we stopped hearing from him but even in the short amount of time DH was working with him, having ONE person who genuinely cared about him was all it took for him to begin a life change. We seriously regret that circumstances did not allow us to continue being a part of his life.
It's great that you want to help him but what you are looking to do is a long term commitment. You both have to be willing and able to follow through.
Blaming his mom, even though she sounds like a truly horrible person, isn't going to help him AT ALL. Even at the age of 13, the choices your cousin is making are his own, they are affecting him and others, he is the one choosing....he can't blame other people for his actions. The sooner he gets over her or whoever in his life he feels is to blame, the sooner he will be ready to move in a positive direction.
Keep making yourself available to him. Does HE want to interact with you? And I don't mean in the 'knock some sense' into him way...I doubt he needs you for that as much as he needs you to be a stable and strong positive influence for him.
DH worked with a boy that age for more than a year (I'll call him Chris). DH never tried to 'knock sense' into him. They went fishing. They cleaned the garage. They worked on homework together. DH taught him how to fix the lawnmower. Basically, they spent time together. They talked about stuff, they learned to trust each other. Over time Chris really opened up to DH. The change in Chris was remarkable. Unfortunately, we moved and when his mom got a serious boyfriend Chris was sent to live with his deadbeat dad. Over time we stopped hearing from him but even in the short amount of time DH was working with him, having ONE person who genuinely cared about him was all it took for him to begin a life change. We seriously regret that circumstances did not allow us to continue being a part of his life.
It's great that you want to help him but what you are looking to do is a long term commitment. You both have to be willing and able to follow through.
^ This.
Basically the boy needs a positive role model, lots of love and attention and discipline. Obvious things a boy needs but unfortunately isn't getting from his parents.
Oftentimes people will ask how I have such good, obedient kids (18, 12 and 7) well duh?? I pay attention to them, love them, treat them like human beings and parent them. I teach them by example. This is what your cousin needs. Not someone to "knock sense into him"
Keep making yourself available to him. Does HE want to interact with you? And I don't mean in the 'knock some sense' into him way...I doubt he needs you for that as much as he needs you to be a stable and strong positive influence for him.
I try to keep myself available to him but at the moment he hasn't accepted my friend request on fb. Yeah he does want to interact with me as he wants to get to know the other side of the family (ie my side of the family).
I agree he needs someone to be a postive influence on him and I figure that person would be me as I am a complete 180 from him and I know what he's going through.
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Basically the boy needs a positive role model, lots of love and attention and discipline. Obvious things a boy needs but unfortunately isn't getting from his parents.
Agreed and I figure he would learn from me. I do love him as a younger brother would be treated.
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I teach them by example. This is what your cousin needs.
I've always heard the saying "lead by example" maybe that's what he needs to do is learn from me and seeing if that can help......
I'm also trying to get him to open up to me and to trust me as well. Hopefully when I go down there for a week I'll see if we can develop a stronger bond as well.
I would like some advice on how to handle a certain situation that is going on with my 13yr old cousin. Here is a little background info about him.
1) he's 13yr old and has a 7yr old brother and a 17yr old half-sister which he has not met yet or doesn't know about.
2) He has been suspended from school multiple times (even in alternative school). Suspensions range from swearing at students/teachers to fighting.
3) He has been expelled from multiple middle schools because of either his mouth or the fights
4) He has been caught sexting a week after I was down to visit him a few months ago.
5) He has brought a weapon to school (pocket knife)
6) He has been caught numerous times for smoking cigs (his parents do it, his grandpa does it, his grandma used to do but not any more due to her health issues)
7) Has been caught a few times for "huffing"
8) Has been to juvie multiple times
9) Parents refuse him to see a counselor as he's going through the experimentation phase of teenagers.
10) He is going through that phase that all teens go through at that age (aka puberty).
Somethings about my cousin and his family
1) My cousin (the teens dad) is a workaholic putting in 60-80hr work weeks every week. He also smokes and drinks on occasion.
2) my cousins wife (the teens mom) has no hs diploma, no GED, no drivers license and drinks and smokes.
What can I do to try and knock some sense into him? How do I tell him that the stuff he's doing can get himself killed? How do I get him to trust me and to get down deep inside to find out what the heck is going on here? Keep in mind my 13yr old cousin now has a fb account as well but has NOT accepted me as a friend yet.
Some of my friends have told me that whenever they hear things that their cousins are doing it's usually up to the cousin to knock some sense into them as they can be on their level.
What can I do if anything?
I would appreciate anything that can help me figure out if there is anything that I can do to change him so he doesn't wind up as a junkie or like his grandma who is on Oxygen 24/7/365.
As a cousin, you may be able to reach him better than others - but like siblings, cousins don't always listen to you.
One reason is that you might actually care something about him as he is family, unlike others - that might make some difference - but it might not.
Sometimes people like this actually will listen, they might not act on it right away but it may help them in some way. Especially if it comes from someone who cares about them.
You never know when you may save someone, you may tell him everything you want to tell him, he may pretend to ignore everything but years down the road it may be what provides him some thing to hang onto.
I would appreciate anything that can help me figure out if there is anything that I can do to change him so he doesn't wind up as a junkie or like his grandma who is on Oxygen 24/7/365.
Here's the thing, DH--you can't change him.
You can offer to keep the lines of communication open. You can lead by example. You can be a positive role model. But you can't fix his problems, and you can't fix him. As the treatment maxim goes, he has to want to change-- and it doesn't sound much like he does.
It truly sucks to see family members or friends' children screw their lives up. It's even worse when you see their parents standing by refusing to see the problem. But if you keep trying to play Rescue Ranger, and blame his mom for everything (and whether she deserves it or not is really immaterial), what's going to happen is that the kid will continue on his merry way and the parents will decide you're a meddling PIA and cut off communication.
All you can do is keep in touch, let him know how your life is going and what your goals are (in a non-preachy way), remember the old adage that "the road to Hell is paved with good intentions", and keep your fingers crossed.
Well what he is doing is wrong in life and I can see it but not my cousin then something is wrong here.
His grandma (my aunt) has asked me to try and knock some sense into him. My cousin has also asked me to knock some sense into him as well.
I am planning on moving down towards them but until I graduate from college and find a job in that area I can't do much other than talk to them.
I do blame my cousins wife for a lot of it as she's even told her son that she wishes that he was never born and she doesn't care about him, etc.
Hindsight is always 20/20. Just because you can see all your cousin's "mistakes" doesn't mean that he shares your perception of his life. This is his life. He will live as he see's fit. To come in and try to make him over into the boy you think he should be will not work. He is his own person, he has his own life lessons he needs to learn.
"Knocking some sense" into a 13 yo is not something you can snap your fingers and have happen. He has had 13 years to develop the personality he has, it is up to him to change. I find it odd that you cousin has asked you to "knock sense into him" but will not accept your facebook request.
It is sad to have a parent who brings down a child. It says alot about the father to even stay with a woman who will say such things to his and her own child. Many children grow up in situations where one or both parents are not ideal. The child has to learn their own coping mechanisms. You can help him by teaching him to deal with his life instead of trying to fix him.
Take what I say with a grain of salt. I am just a name on a screen. I do not know the situation or the people involved. But I did have a parent who wasn't ideal.... I did run wild in my teen years.... I did grow up. I had to experience life on my own terms and learn my own way. I would have tuned out anyone trying to tell me how to live my own life. I would have knocked down (verbally as well as physically) any person who tried to "knock some sense" into me.
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