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It sounds like you stated your opinion of an act she was about to embark on and she didn't feel you should express your opinion on such a matter. Whether she realizes her response hurt your feelings or not doesn't matter, the fact is, she did hurt your feelings and may need you to let her know that. If you value the friendship with her and her bf, tell her that the way that she spoke to you hurt your feelings and you feel you're entitled to an apology from her. See what she says at that point, and go from there. It sounds like something really stupid to blow a friendship over.
Yes, it is something stupid and normally when we have arguments (we are quite close), it usually is petty. This time is quite different as she was using, what I thought, to be personal attacks against me. Could be the beer talking, but it's a first so I'm not sure how to cope But I'll take your advice and talk it out with her, I suppose
Ok you apparently are under 21 if you have all been friends in college for only 2.5 years.
You snuck in & drank beer in the theater...an alcohol-free public place.
You drove after drinking.
Your friends were discussing smoking some pot.
A lot of illegal stuff there fella.
Choose your friends and your activities more wisely or you will end up in jail ...or worse. If you don't like being around second hand smoke you need to quit hanging out with people who smoke. I would recommend new friends as this bunch you are hanging out with could ruin your future.
I am currently 21, going on 22 this summer She is 23 y.o. and I've met her during my freshman/sophmore year, which is 2.5-ish years ago as I am a senior now. This issue happened a few days ago.
We all paid for the movie tickets and we had a DD as we are smart enough not to drive while under the influence. And hookah = tobacco, which is legal 21 and up. The only thing illegal would be sneaking in booze. But it was a R-rated movie so...
But thanks for your secondary portion as it's helping me re-evaluate what I am looking for in friendships
Is she this way every time she drinks, even after just one? Does she treat other people like this?
I find that people who are angry/combative/violent when they drink are generally not happy people. I'd be surprised if this was the first time she did this.
I also think she needs to know that this isn't acceptable. You teach others how to treat you. If she is so prideful that she won't apologize for that kind of behavior, especially in front of others, it is a sign of things to come. Your call, I'd have let her have it by now or avoided her all together.
Cool, because I'm not the only one who thinks she should apologize
And no, she is quite fun to be around when we drink. Which is why when she yelled at me when under the influence, it took me by surprised.
Whenever we have arguments, it was always petty and there were never any personal attacks. But this time, it was different...
But I'll take your advice and lay it on her, politely
I think you're both wrong. You said something to her in front of her boyfriend and friends that arguably could be taken as criticism. That put her on the spot and most likely embarrassed her. Although you are correct in that tobacco is addictive (all forms of it have nicotine and all forms of smoking produce tar), and although it was not right of her to lash out, I can understand her being annoyed at you for your approach. This is one case where timing is everything.
Frankly, I think you should apologize to her, and use the apology as an opportunity for expressing your concern as a friend. "Hey, I'm sorry I put you on the spot the other night. I was just doing it out of concern for you. That's all."
I'll bet she responds with an apology of her own. And if she doesn't? Well, then you know what kind of person she is--sober.
I think you're both wrong. You said something to her in front of her boyfriend and friends that arguably could be taken as criticism.
Frankly, I think you should apologize to her, and use the apology as an opportunity for expressing your concern as a friend.
I'm not sure I can agree that I was partially wrong. I did not accuse her
or used any pronouns. I simply stated that "Tobacco could be addictive" and that was that.
What she mistook as criticism is simply in her head as I think people here would agree that if a friend said that to you, you would assume that s/he is concerned about your well-being.
So please explain further in depth
I would rep you for the interesting point of view, but I need to spread it out some more...:X
Thing is, I was hurt when she undermined my intelligence when she said I was "full of crap". Would that be deemed worthy for an apology?
A lot of things are worthy of an apology - but to go demanding one and getting one from demanding one isn't a real apology. It's ridiculous.
Like I said, she was egging me on to start something, which meant that she was willing to throw down.
How old are you?
I agree that there is no justification for physical violence, which was why I held back. It does not matter if she was a woman or not as if she laid a hand on me, I will make her kiss cement since I will protect myself. Physical violence does not occur in just males and being a woman would not protect you if you initiated the fight first, in my book.
Sounds real mature from the both of you...you are how old? Did you think of filing a police report and if this is your general attitude - maybe some anger management. I'd also be looking at just what type of person I am and the company I keep if this is the attitude one would be first instinct. How old are you? There's a reason you have the friends you do.
Also, name calling is not a good color on you as psychoanalyzing my personality based on a few statements is silly. Plus, there seems to be a confusion on my part. I will only get physical with a person, in defense, if they were to deal the first blow
I stand by my statement, but would 'you're a real charming piece of work,' be more tolerable to your overwhelming 'sensitivites?'
I'm not sure I can agree that I was partially wrong. I did not accuse her
or used any pronouns. I simply stated that "Tobacco could be addictive" and that was that.
What she mistook as criticism is simply in her head as I think people here would agree that if a friend said that to you, you would assume that s/he is concerned about your well-being.
So please explain further in depth
I would rep you for the interesting point of view, but I need to spread it out some more...:X
Thanks! And thanks for taking my comments in the spirit with which they were intended. Sometimes things get lost in translation when said in two-dimensional format.
Well, for one thing, when people are drinking, there's a chance that they're going to be hypersensitive, even if they never were before. So, I've learned that it's generally not a good idea to start talking about things like the health drawbacks of smoking once people have had something to drink. And, hey, there are health drawbacks to getting drunk, too.
With her in particular, you say she's never lashed out at you that way. That tells me that maybe something else was going on. Maybe someone had criticized her for something recently, and somewhere in the back of her head it was still bothering her, and your comment triggered her anger. Maybe she already had a similar conversation with someone else at some point and thought, "Oh, no. Not him, too."
Point is, for whatever reason, she got defensive when she never had before. By going to her and opening up the dialogue by admitting that your timing was off, that will give you the opportunity to find out what was really bugging her. Who knows? Could have been an interaction with a cold pill, could have been bad cramps. Could have been anything. Maybe she just felt you were being a killjoy, especially if she doesn't smoke otherwise and this is just a once-in-a-while thing. Hey, I'm a health nut, but if my team wins the Stanley Cup, dang straight I'm having a cigar to go with the most expensive brandy I can find.
Overall, I've found that the best way to express concern about something like smoking is in private. That way there's no chance of the other person feeling like you're shaming them in front of other people, least of all their buddies and significant others. It also has more effect that way, because it means you've been thinking about it and are putting time and effort into delivering your message, instead of just tossing it out like a wet blanket while everyone is out being social and trying to have a good time.
Bottom line is, people tend to appreciate the opportunity to save face. If your goal is to save the friendship, give her the opportunity to explain her reaction and also apologize to you. If you ever have need to express your concerns again (to anyone, really), save it for a time when it's just the two of you with no booze involved, and you can really talk.
A lot of things are worthy of an apology - but to go demanding one and getting one from demanding one isn't a real apology. It's ridiculous.
Demanding is too strong of a word. Would it be appropriate to ask for one?
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How old are you?
Have you read my opening statement? I am 21. And she is 23.
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Sounds real mature from the both of you...you are how old? Did you think of filing a police report and if this is your general attitude - maybe some anger management. I'd also be looking at just what type of person I am and the company I keep if this is the attitude one would be first instinct. How old are you? There's a reason you have the friends you do.
See above. Is it immature if someone is going to sock you in the face and you felt the need to defend yourself from harm? By the way, adults in their 50s and what not are involved in drama and immaturity as well. Being in the early 20s are nothing, especially since one is still learning about how to properly integrate into society.
I have very good control of my anger, thanks. Thinking of getting physical with someone and actually conducting the actual actions are two different things. And maturity is acquired through experience. It makes me wonder how mature are YOU? Age itself does not determine maturity. From my responses to other people, I'm surprised that you have not realized that I am trying to do the mature thing.
And to clarify, my friends are very kind to me. We get along and generally are drama free. It just so happens that this particular issue got nasty and blown into proportions.
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I stand by my statement, but would 'you're a real charming piece of work,' be more tolerable to your overwhelming 'sensitivites?
Meh, I'll take it. But from your responses, it seems like you're more "charming" than I am
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But I'll take your advice and talk it out with her, I suppose
She is 23 y.o. and I've met her during my freshman/sophmore year, which is 2.5-ish years ago as I am a senior now. This issue happened a few days ago.
