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That's why I've tried to just have it at my house but anytime we are invited *for my mom to buy and make dinner* she seems unable to say no. My dh seems to think it's just easier to go there also
Oh the bringing of stuff is not equal at all. My mom happens to cook well and the other women suck at cooking so there's that. They do not pitch in financially for all that my mom cooks.
And yes money is an issue here because my moms brother has way more money than any of the siblings yet he and his wife never ever pay for anything. They didn't even have funerals for the wife's parents who died recently. I told my mom that when he dies his wife will likely be too cheap to have a funeral for him. So yes it annoying watching my mom pay for all the food every goddam time and my other single aunt pay for these dinners. I guess no one here will really feel this since they aren't in the situation
*sigh.... okay it's you against all the evil, useless relatives.
My late husband and I were the only ones that ever hosted and did the cooking for a period of about 20 years. First, my husband liked to cook and was good at it. He liked the traditional holiday turkey dinner. He would have made it for just us and cooking for additional people does not take anymore effort. He would usually cook a Turkey once during the summer, too, just for us.
My sisters were not good cooks. My DH always told everyone not to bring anything. Once in a while someone brought something anyway, but not usually. Our house was always clean so no problem with any extra cleaning tasks. My DH really enjoyed that others enjoyed his cooking.
I helped DH by making two desserts the day before and doing any tasks he assigned me like peeling potatoes or stirring the gravy. He had everything prepped the day before and as we have two ovens all we had to do was get the timing right. For a good cook Thanksgiving is not an overwhelming task. I was helping my husband because I loved him and the holiday was important to him. It wasn't about me because I wouldn't have bothered.
The last Thanksgiving before my husband died he wasn't able to cook so I did it all. By then I had one sister left living. Yes, I resented that she knew my DH was dying and wasn't offering to make anything. Sure, if I would have asked her to bring something store bought she would have, but she and everyone knew that we only served made from scratch. That the food was homemade was on us, not the guests.
So except for one friend that liked to bake apple pies, no one brought anything. I knew they wouldn't, and I could have not invited any of the mooches, but the dinner for some reason was always important to my DH. I think it went back to the holiday dinners he grew up with. It wasn't about me and how I felt about the empty handed people. Or, the people that would request certain things be vegetarian or vegan or gluten free. One thing we wouldn't do was change the menu, not after the year we made a turkey at Xmas that we weren't planning on (as well as the planned ham) because someone's inlaws were supposed to avoid salt, then they devoured ham.
Yes, I was sometimes resentful that the work was all on my husband and me. One year I insisted on going skiing on Xmas. It was fabulous imo, but my husband missed having the Christmas meal.
Your Mother is an adult. If she doesn't want to do the dinners she can say no. You can invite her to be with you on a holiday before any plans are made with relatives if you want to give her a break.
You can speak up to the other relatives, but be sure your Mother doesn't enjoy doing the dinners.
You seem awfully resentful of your aunt having a big house and of her and any relatives with money. It's mentioned so many times I wonder if that is what's bothering you more than your mother cooking every year.
I'd say you do you and don't go to the dinners your aunt pays for or that your mother cooks.
My phrasing wasn't accurate I guess. What I mean is, someone who makes their own choices based on their own preferences, especially when it goes against the grain, or tide, or popular opinion or whatever term you want to use.
In the family dynamic described, the OP, if she makes that choice, is going to be lambasted, behind her back and probably to her face and on social media as well.
I don't care about the mother's issues. The OP has no control over what her mother chooses to do. The OP should choose what is best for her and her immediate family, and expect the fallout and prepare to ignore it.
Ok. I thought you were saying she was standing up for her mother, that's why I brought up the mother.
Quote:
Originally Posted by msRB311
Oh the bringing of stuff is not equal at all. My mom happens to cook well and the other women suck at cooking so there's that. They do not pitch in financially for all that my mom cooks.
And yes money is an issue here because my moms brother has way more money than any of the siblings yet he and his wife never ever pay for anything. They didn't even have funerals for the wife's parents who died recently. I told my mom that when he dies his wife will likely be too cheap to have a funeral for him. So yes it annoying watching my mom pay for all the food every goddam time and my other single aunt pay for these dinners. I guess no one here will really feel this since they aren't in the situation
I think many of us have witnessed similar inequities whether with friends or family. However your situation seems to bring out a higher degree of anger than I've witnessed. It seems like the "unequal treatment" is not all of what's stirring up this much anger.
Quote:
Originally Posted by msRB311
That's why I've tried to just have it at my house but anytime we are invited *for my mom to buy and make dinner* she seems unable to say no. My dh seems to think it's just easier to go there also
So, maybe you are upset/hurt that your mom (and dh) puts others' invitation over yours, and so you're directing your anger at the extended family because you don't want to confront your mom about it? I understand being hurt that your mom puts their needs first, but nothing will change unless you express your feelings to her (not talking about "you're being taken advantage of" feelings...I mean the "I'm hurt that you choose them over me" feelings.
What does your Dad think of all this? You said you've invited your parents so I suppose he is aware of your invitations?
Ok. I thought you were saying she was standing up for her mother, that's why I brought up the mother.
<snip>
?
What the mother does is not the OPs business. The mother is an adult capable of making her own choices. The mother chooses to cook and haul it all over town. When she gets to the point she can't or is tired of doing it, she will either give it up, or if she is the stubborn type who won't admit to the reality, people will start noticing and trying "subtle" ways to take the job away from her.
The OPs real problem is her dislike of spending time with relatives she finds intolerable. It is an easily solved problem. Don't go.
What the mother does is not the OPs business. The mother is an adult capable of making her own choices. The mother chooses to cook and haul it all over town. When she gets to the point she can't or is tired of doing it, she will either give it up, or if she is the stubborn type who won't admit to the reality, people will start noticing and trying "subtle" ways to take the job away from her.
The OPs real problem is her dislike of spending time with relatives she finds intolerable. It is an easily solved problem. Don't go.
Well, you clearly can't stand many of these family members and I'd say just do not go to these events. Period.
It is curious that your husband still wants to go....have you discussed this with him?
If you want to have a private celebration with your Mom, perhaps one year (next year?) you could take her somewhere, out of town, and celebrate that way, if she'll go. Frame it that you miss spending time alone with her and having the chance to talk and relax, etc, etc, etc. Maybe if she skips one year she'll more easily forego future family events.
^^^
This!
No need to stir the pot and confront anyone or tell them how you feel about all this.
No need even to talk to your Mom about it.
Agree with the others that it isn’t all about your feelings towards the extended family members and what you think is fair or unfair.
However, you are here for venting? an advice? - and we are here for you
It is a bit manipulative, but if you want your mother to stop buying all the food and being a cook for everyone at her age, then be more subtle.
Time to install your justice like Machiavelli - without betraying your true intentions.
Tell your husband that you want to do something special/different or find another reason to plan and book some trip, hotel, etc as “a treat for my Mom†and “unfortunately†this something is coinciding with that event that you hate.
Act naturally - what could be that would excite your mother and make her very proud to tell her family that she won’t be available at the next event as you surprise her with a trip - local or international trip, cruise etc
Just warn your parents that you have a special something you want to do - it could be even something that you allegedly arrange for yourself or your kids, husband, etc and want them there with you …
Then if everyone is enjoying themselves - you may suggest this as a new tradition?
The problem is that my husband often wants to just go to these events when we are invited. I really have no idea as it's not his family and I know he gets annoyed with some of the people as well...he has even unfriended them on social media mostly due to their political views that they post about. It all just feels like madness that we still go to these events. MOST people I know seem to just do a holiday dinner with people close to them that they see often...not this extended family garbage just trying to mooch off one person.
My aunt who does the dinner and pays for everyone is single, no kids so I really think she just likes seeing everyone. I still don't understand her need to pay for everyone, but it is what it is. I am just ready to go my own way....like i said, I'm just over having a relationship with cousin bob once a year while he chows down on my mom's food. My mom's family is also extremely cheap and frugal so that very much plays a role here. They jump at the chance to save their own money but spend someone's else's. They have used my mom for rides as well because they didn't want to spend their own gas money...the aunt who hosts is very wealthy (through her husband) and the other aunt and uncle also have plenty of money because they got an inheritance that they blocked the aunt's siblings from getting. Long story but the fact that they just dont want to spend money on anyone except themselves also irks me.
I think they know at this point that I'm not really into them or this situation. I also feel like I'm the party pooper here. It's like Im the one that doesn't want to have this big celebration with them while they don't do a thing or spend any money thanks to my mom. My aunt does invite us into her home for a few hours....but it costs her nothing and with all my mom has done for her and her family in the past (some health issues with people my mom helped with) it's the least she could do
Your aunt who hosts and pays for everyone - she probably enjoys seeing everyone and it's her way of contributing. Your mom wouldn't keep doing if she didn't want to.
I have 2 sisters who are just excellent cooks and prepare these totally lovely meals and yes, they complain but they REALLY LOVE doing it.
I'm more like your aunt where I can't compete with the cooking so I'll pay for whatever is needed - and then everyone is happy
I understand and sympathize about sibling/in-law issues as much as anybody...but it's never a good look to count other people's money.
When it's painfully obvious yeah you do count others money. My mother is a middle class woman serving her millionaire b@tch sister in law who stopped working in the 80s when she got engaged
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Just my opinion
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