My friends didn’t reach out to me after my grandmother died
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Did you let your friends know that your Grandmother died or did someone else? They may be wondering why you did not tell them. Maybe they thought you did not want to talk about it. (They still should have acknowledged it)
Or maybe they are selfish and ignorant. Poor manners.
Either way, I would address it with your friends in a non-confrontational manner. If you get a reaction that is agreeable to you, then forgive and forget. If not, find new friends.
Death is a weird thing, especially in Covid times (limited interaction).
Both of my grandmothers lived 1500 miles away. They would get seen once every 2-3 years, send birthday cards in the mail with $10-20 or something. One died suddenly after a fall, the other had a stroke and lived in a nursing home for 10 years with dementia. Ironically they died on the same day exactly 20 years apart.
I certainly didn't expect friends to extend condolences.
On the same note, a very good friend of almost 20 years lost his mom a few months ago. I had met her several times over the years at parties/events. She died and he didn't even tell me until 2 months later! He was actually telling someone else that she died, I interrupted and said "you never told me that!" He said they didn't really do anything as far as a funeral, kept it just family.
I know how you feel. When my mother died earlier in the year, literally only 3 family members reached out to me. This caused me to disown the rest because this showed that they have no value to me in my life.
Were you particularly close to your gran? Did she help raise you, or something? Your friends may not have known it was a big deal. People have a wide variety of relationship with grandparents. Not everyone is very close with theirs.
I was going to say the same thing. Only maybe I couldn't resist (not sure) saying something like 'perhaps you haven't heard....'
At any rate, very sorry for your loss. Grandparents are so special. All the best.
I know how you feel. When my mother died earlier in the year, literally only 3 family members reached out to me. This caused me to disown the rest because this showed that they have no value to me in my life.
I am sorry about the loss of your mother.
Of course, your relatives should have reached out to you, however they may have been going through their own severe grief at the time. I remember when one of my aunts passed away, my mother (her sister) was extremely distraught over the death. I would imagine how much worse my mother would have felt if her niece or nephew had disowned her because she didn't pay enough attention to them while she was battling her own grief over her sister.
I recall another funeral, this one of an uncle. After the funeral, when they closed the casket they asked family members to go to the church lobby (as that is often quite upsetting for them). My cousins (adult children of the diseased) were very surprised that some of their father's siblings and nieces and nephews joined them in the back of the church. While they had lost a parent, it never even occurred to them that others had lost a brother or an uncle.
Were you too hard on your relatives? Maybe yes and maybe no, but I would recommend rethinking your actions after you are over the immediate grief of your mother's death.
Were you particularly close to your gran? Did she help raise you, or something? Your friends may not have known it was a big deal. People have a wide variety of relationship with grandparents. Not everyone is very close with theirs.
That actually has nothing to do w/ it. No one should be expected to know how close or distant people are w/ their family members & other loved ones, so it doesn't matter how close someone was w/ the one who died.
The friends should SHOW that they CARE ENOUGH for the OP who just lost whoever it was. Even acquaintances should say, "I'm sorry for your loss" & that's the least they should say.
Closer, genuine friends (& depending on HOW close) should do any or more of these:
- Send a card/message that's a bit more than just 1 sentence to show they care
- Call the person at least 2 times in the span of a couple of weeks to see how the person's doing
- Offer to go to the funeral, but in these COVID times, they should express that they'd be there if they could, but since things are risky, they, unfortunately, won't attend.
- Send flowers/fruit basket, or something to the OP
NOW, if the friend says, "Sorry for your loss" & then person says, thanks, but the deceased person & I weren't close anyway & doesn't act affected. Then fine. The friends don't have to say another word, but at least they said what one's supposed to say when learning that a friend of theirs lost someone.
Lastly, I wonder HOW the OP informed people of the passing. A FB message announcing it still doesn't mean no one has to say a thing. Then the friends should at least take a second to say sorry...that's the very least they could do. Again though, I'd expect a little more from closer, genuine friends. So when those who are closer sees the FB message, they should still do what I listed above.
If the OP actually took the extra time to call them individually & maybe left a message or texted them, that obviously means the OP thinks more highly of them than the acquaintance at work or something & shoudl therefore get some kind of adequate reply/action back.
Two of my close friends didn’t reach out to me when my grandmother died three weeks ago. They definitely knew, but I have no idea why they didn’t at least text me or anything. Now, one of them is having a birthday dinner on the 26th and invited me (never mentioned anything about my loss). I debated whether I should even answer the text, but I did. I was pretty upset that they didn’t reach out to me three weeks ago, but I’m just not sure if should just forget about it and move on and go to the dinner.
Should I just let it go?
Not only would I not go, I would reevaluate the friendship. This is a big deal. Losing a loved one is a big deal.
Death is a weird thing, especially in Covid times (limited interaction).
Both of my grandmothers lived 1500 miles away. They would get seen once every 2-3 years, send birthday cards in the mail with $10-20 or something. One died suddenly after a fall, the other had a stroke and lived in a nursing home for 10 years with dementia. Ironically they died on the same day exactly 20 years apart.
I certainly didn't expect friends to extend condolences.
On the same note, a very good friend of almost 20 years lost his mom a few months ago. I had met her several times over the years at parties/events. She died and he didn't even tell me until 2 months later! He was actually telling someone else that she died, I interrupted and said "you never told me that!" He said they didn't really do anything as far as a funeral, kept it just family.
I think that the latest people were responding to post 34.
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