My friends didn’t reach out to me after my grandmother died (siblings, children)
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First off - people don't know what to say and find it easier to say nothing. It's just the way it is. I had a friend complain about this once, so I do now try to offer a quick "I'm so sorry for your loss" the next time I see them.
Second off - I don't remember a single friend 'reaching out' to me when my grandmother died. I also don't remember even caring if they did or did not reach out to me. It would not even occur to me to care about that.
My sister just found out a dear friend of mine died a month ago and offered a me a quick condolence yesterday, I was not in the least bit concerned about the lack of acknowledgement from her prior to that....
Although, I do have to admit that I am not in the least bit sensitive. (no myers-briggs F)
Please, I can give younger people(which is the case in this thread) somewhat of a pass, but enough with the nonsense of not knowing what to say.
Does that nonsense apply to people in their 40s, 50s, and 60s? They don't know to say "I'm sorry", not that difficult.
You say "I am sorry for your loss", life isn't just about things always being easier.
And it's not all about YOU.
To say nothing is cruel, even if isn't meant to be.
Everyone is going to suffer the loss of loved ones, parents, spouses, siblings, and sometimes the worst of all children, to not acknowledge the loss is beyond insensitive.
Because someday they will be in those shoes.
Last edited by seain dublin; 12-25-2018 at 04:21 PM..
First off - people don't know what to say and find it easier to say nothing. It's just the way it is. I had a friend complain about this once, so I do now try to offer a quick "I'm so sorry for your loss" the next time I see them.
Second off - I don't remember a single friend 'reaching out' to me when my grandmother died. I also don't remember even caring if they did or did not reach out to me. It would not even occur to me to care about that.
My sister just found out a dear friend of mine died a month ago and offered a me a quick condolence yesterday, I was not in the least bit concerned about the lack of acknowledgement from her prior to that....
Although, I do have to admit that I am not in the least bit sensitive. (no myers-briggs F)
Got nothing to do with being sensitive , it's about having the kind of friends that care about you, that care about the feelings. So even if someone doesn't know what to say, they would not be clueless about how you are feeling or grieving. If they find it difficult to reach out to a friend that is hurting, then maybe it's time to evaluate what sort of friend they are or gently guide them into knowing how to help, or relegate them to acquaintance friends and focus on friends who do care. It's not about WHO died, but the fact that someone is grieving and the so called friends don't reach out at all.
Please, I can give younger people(which is the case in this thread) somewhat of a pass, but enough with the nonsense of not knowing what to say.
Does that nonsense apply to people in their 40s, 50s, and 60s? They don't know to say "I'm sorry", not that difficult.
You say "I am sorry for your loss", life isn't just about things always being easier.
And it's not all about YOU.
To say nothing is cruel, even if isn't meant to be.
Everyone is going to suffer the loss of loved ones, parents, spouses, siblings, and sometimes the worst of all children, to not acknowledge the loss is beyond insensitive.
First, I'm sorry for your loss, Azul91. I understand the pain of losing a beloved grandmother.
It may be an age thing. Older people have more experience with handling deaths in their friend groups. You just graduated from college, and I'm guessing the friends are around the same age. My dad died when I was in my late teens, and not only did friends basically not know to express condolences, but I was accused of "ruining the vibe" when I told my friend group at a dinner get-together. I compare that to when I lost my grandmother in my late thirties. Amongst my friends were others who had already lost their grandparents and who were well versed in the norms of what to do when someone dies. I had people unexpectedly come to the funeral to show support. Were they nicer friends? Not necessarily - just older and knew what to do.
Add to that that your grandma must have died right at the start of the holiday season - it's a time when people tend to get overwhelmed and even depressed and don't behave the way they normally might. I'm sorry your friends hurt your feelings and added to your grief. I hope you can find a little forgiveness for them, though.
Two of my close friends didn’t reach out to me when my grandmother died three weeks ago. They definitely knew, but I have no idea why they didn’t at least text me or anything. Now, one of them is having a birthday dinner on the 26th and invited me (never mentioned anything about my loss). I debated whether I should even answer the text, but I did. I was pretty upset that they didn’t reach out to me three weeks ago, but I’m just not sure if should just forget about it and move on and go to the dinner.
Should I just let it go?
Some people simply do not know what to say to someone who has lost a loved one through death. I know people who prefer to say nothing. Perhaps they are giving you space and will reach out at the party.
You know, people are weird. Get over it. Yes, let it go.
Were you particularly close to your gran? Did she help raise you, or something? Your friends may not have known it was a big deal. People have a wide variety of relationship with grandparents. Not everyone is very close with theirs.
I'm not singling you out, for I know you aren't that way, but I don't care for the mentality that drives that kind of thinking.
Whether they were close to their own grandparents or not, the very least these acquaintances (For they aren't really friends) could have done is offer condolences. As in, "I'm so sorry for your loss," as a way to acknowledge a person's pain. It's just simple human decency, and it's not that hard.
When my father died thirty-five years ago, it was a ten-day ordeal from his taking ill to the funeral. Everyone knew what was going on. Mind you, I wasn't expecting people to come hang out and console me. That wasn't it. Nevertheless, I was shocked at the people who I thought were my friends who never called, never dropped by, and never showed up even for the funeral. One of them was a girl whom I had dated for four months. Just disappeared until the funeral was over. Showed up at my apartment as if nothing had happened.
I very quickly separated myself from those people for a couple of reasons. First, if you are a friend, you are supportive of that friend when things are bad--not just when times are good. Not grasping this makes one kind of shallow, little more than using others for your entertainment.
Second, death is part of life. If you offer up mealy-mouthed phrases such as, "I don't do funerals," or "I just couldn't handle it," what you're telling the world is that you are immature and self-centered, a child masquerading as an adult. There are times when it's not about you, after all. And there are times when friendship is more than hanging out with people you happen to like. Your presence at the funeral is more than comfort to people you ostensibly care about--it is a duty. And if you can't be there, you can at least acknowledge the wrenching grief that this person is experiencing. Phrases such as "I just didn't know what to say," translate to mean, "I didn't devote more than two seconds to finding something to say." How hard can it be to simply arrive and say, "I'm so sorry"? You really don't have to say much more than that.
From my experience, I learned that it can be an extraordinarily lonely and confusing time for the survivors. That is when you need friendship more than ever. So if humanly possible, I go to the funeral. If I can't attend, I send flowers or a note. Not a card. A heartfelt note. For if you value that person in your life, then you value the people who shaped that person. Not doing so is to not be fully human. And no amount of lazy pop psychology will change that.
Last edited by MinivanDriver; 12-29-2018 at 08:05 AM..
Two of my close friends didn’t reach out to me when my grandmother died three weeks ago. They definitely knew, but I have no idea why they didn’t at least text me or anything.
So sorry for your loss.
How do you know they knew for sure if you didn't talk to them directly?
When I was young, I was afraid to talk about anyone's death because I didn't want to upset the person more. We didn't have anyone pass away in our family until I was nearly 30, so I had no experience at all going through something like this.
If you do go out with them, they may be afraid to bring it up.
I'm not singling you out, for I know you aren't that way, but I don't care for the mentality that drives that kind of thinking.
Whether they were close to their own grandparents or not, the very least these acquaintances (For they aren't really friends) could have done is offer condolences. As in, "I'm so sorry for your loss," as a way to acknowledge a person's pain. It's just simple human decency, and it's not that hard.
When my father died thirty-five years ago, it was a ten-day ordeal from his taking ill to the funeral. Everyone knew what was going on. Mind you, I wasn't expecting people to come hang out and console me. That wasn't it. Nevertheless, I was shocked at the people who I thought were my friends who never called, never dropped by, and never showed up even for the funeral. One of them was a girl whom I had dated for four months. Just disappeared until the funeral was over. Showed up at my apartment as if nothing had happened.
I very quickly separated myself from those people for a couple of reasons. First, if you are a friend, you are supportive of that friend when things are bad--not just when times are good. Not grasping this makes one kind of shallow, little more than using others for your entertainment.
Second, death is part of life. If you offer up mealy-mouthed phrases such as, "I don't do funerals," or "I just couldn't handle it," what you're telling the world is that you are immature and self-centered, a child masquerading as an adult. There are times when it's not about you, after all. And there are times when friendship is more than hanging out with people you happen to like. Your presence at the funeral is more than comfort to people you ostensibly care about--it is a duty. And if you can't be there, you can at least acknowledge the wrenching grief that this person is experiencing. Phrases such as "I just didn't know what to say," translate to mean, "I didn't devote more than two seconds to finding something to say." How hard can it be to simply arrive and say, "I'm so sorry"? You really don't have to say much more than that.
From my experience, I learned that it can be an extraordinarily lonely and confusing time for the survivors. That is when you need friendship more than ever. So if humanly possible, I go to the funeral. If I can't attend, I send flowers or a note. Not a card. A heartfelt note. For if you value that person in your life, then you value the people who shaped that person. Not doing so is to not be fully human. And no amount of lazy pop psychology will change that.
Two of my close friends didn’t reach out to me when my grandmother died three weeks ago. They definitely knew, but I have no idea why they didn’t at least text me or anything. Now, one of them is having a birthday dinner on the 26th and invited me (never mentioned anything about my loss). I debated whether I should even answer the text, but I did. I was pretty upset that they didn’t reach out to me three weeks ago, but I’m just not sure if should just forget about it and move on and go to the dinner.
Should I just let it go?
I have learned that some people don't do death. They don't want to acknowledge it, hear about it, or see it. Most of my cousins didn't come to my dad's funeral. Most of them lived in the area. The one, Tom, who lived two hours away managed to get there.
It will take a while, but you'll have to let it go.
I still miss Nana. Forty some years, and I still miss her.
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