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I'm not in this situation now, but it's something I likely face at some point in the future. I've been divorced for 10 years, not at all on friendly terms with my ex, our three sons are all grown. If my ex dies before me, I don't know if I should attend or stay away from his funeral. I would want to be there to support my sons, but considering my ex did not want me to attend the memorial services for either of his parents when they passed, I think he would not want me there. Most likely I will try to be supportive of my sons in other ways. But I can just imagine some of his family saying, "Can you believe it? Kayanne didn't even bother to be here for her sons."
Anyway, I just was wondering what others have done (or plan to do).
Well, he won't care at that point probably. If he remarried, how will new wife accept your attending? Maybe just go to a viewing rather than the funeral?
When the time comes and your ex passes, ask your sons what they want you to do, then act accordingly. If they’re indifferent, tell them you’ll avoid the funeral because you don’t think it’s appropriate (especially if your ex has a living spouse that will be there), but tell them you will be there for them in any other way they may need during their grief.
No reason not to go and pay your respects if you feel it's right. Still the father of your children, whom you had a life with. No wrong whatsoever in going.
If your sons were still young, I would say it's necessary for you to be there for them. But they're grown. Offer your condolences and support, but it's not necessary for you to actually be present at the service. And don't worry about what others think. Their opinion means nothing.
I would want to be there to support my sons, but considering my ex did not want me to attend the memorial services for either of his parents when they passed, I think he would not want me there.
Funerals are for the living. The dead will never know or care about who showed up to their funeral.
I would say it depends on your relationship with the rest of his family. If its going to cause them stress and unneeded drama, then probably sending a card or flowers would be better. Bit otherwise, I see no reason toat least not go to the visitation to be supportive of your sons.
Given that my ex-spouse has stressed me out good, this last couple of days, when I first read the title of your thread, I said (not entirely seriously, and only in my head of course) "I wish."
But a real answer to your question... Funerals are not for the person who died, they're for the living who are left behind, to get closure and to begin to heal, and because mourning with others who share understanding of the relationship you had with the deceased...it's healthy. So I agree with the poster who told you to ask your sons what they want, when that time comes. You care more about what is right for them, than about what your ex's family thinks of you one way or another, yes? If having you there will be good for the sons, then do that, and if not, then stay away.
But I can just imagine some of his family saying, "Can you believe it? Kayanne didn't even bother to be here for her sons."
It is also possible someone would flip that around: "Can you believe it? Kayanne had the audacity to show her face." People are funny; they – even family – can have different perceptions of your life not always based in fact.
I agree with those who say it would be different if your sons were small. As grown men, they will handle it when the time comes. You'll be there for them, just not at the actual service.
Unless you want to go – it would not be my choice.
But I say this as the first wife and mother of an only (now grown) child of a man who is presently on his fourth marriage. I don't think Wives #2 and #3 would show up either.
I'm not in this situation now, but it's something I likely face at some point in the future. I've been divorced for 10 years, not at all on friendly terms with my ex, our three sons are all grown. If my ex dies before me, I don't know if I should attend or stay away from his funeral. I would want to be there to support my sons, but considering my ex did not want me to attend the memorial services for either of his parents when they passed, I think he would not want me there. Most likely I will try to be supportive of my sons in other ways. But I can just imagine some of his family saying, "Can you believe it? Kayanne didn't even bother to be here for her sons."
Anyway, I just was wondering what others have done (or plan to do).
Imagine what the family will say if you show up! I think you know what to do. Stay away, so you don't become the center of attention. You don't have to be at the funeral to support your sons.
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