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My ex wife showed up at my second wife's funeral service unannounced, but we had parted amicably, and I really appreciated her coming. She came with her Dad, not her husband so I got to see my ex Father in Law as well. We still had mutual friends but it was a good 17 years after we had divorced, and I had not seen her since. Many divorces don't go like ours did, so I can imagine it would be awkward for some, but it wasn't in our case.
Should my husband pass before me, I would expect his ex-wife and the mother to his children to attend. I would be disappointed if she didn't! They were married for over 30 years....!
I'm not in this situation now, but it's something I likely face at some point in the future. I've been divorced for 10 years, not at all on friendly terms with my ex, our three sons are all grown. If my ex dies before me, I don't know if I should attend or stay away from his funeral. I would want to be there to support my sons, but considering my ex did not want me to attend the memorial services for either of his parents when they passed, I think he would not want me there. Most likely I will try to be supportive of my sons in other ways. But I can just imagine some of his family saying, "Can you believe it? Kayanne didn't even bother to be here for her sons."
Anyway, I just was wondering what others have done (or plan to do).
When the time comes and your ex passes, ask your sons what they want you to do, then act accordingly. If they’re indifferent, tell them you’ll avoid the funeral because you don’t think it’s appropriate (especially if your ex has a living spouse that will be there), but tell them you will be there for them in any other way they may need during their grief.
I hate the expression "funerals are for the living" as it is often said in response to making arrangements contrary to what the deceased had stated he wanted. If you don't think he would want you there, there's your answer.
Around here fewer people are having traditional funerals. Either nothing at all, a visitation for the family---no body present---or a memorial service weeks or months later.
I'm not in this situation now, but it's something I likely face at some point in the future. I've been divorced for 10 years, not at all on friendly terms with my ex, our three sons are all grown. If my ex dies before me, I don't know if I should attend or stay away from his funeral. I would want to be there to support my sons, but considering my ex did not want me to attend the memorial services for either of his parents when they passed, I think he would not want me there. Most likely I will try to be supportive of my sons in other ways. But I can just imagine some of his family saying, "Can you believe it? Kayanne didn't even bother to be here for her sons."
Anyway, I just was wondering what others have done (or plan to do).
In 1969 my Aunt Edith, my father's sister and her husband Herman divorced. It was a bitter divorce. His lawyer sponsored testimony that their youngest daughter, born 12 years before the divorce, was the product of the family doctor and Edith. Herman attended Edith's 1983 funeral.
In an ironic twist my late father's brother, Herbert came down from Boston. He and my mother always disliked each other. Herbert stayed at our house with my stepfather and my mother. Herbert then began using my stepfather as a stock broker.
My wife's uncle and his wife divorced. His wife committed suicide. He attended her funeral.
I don't think it's at all uncommon. After all at one time wedding bells were in the air, the limousine was waiting to take the couples away on a honeymoon, and they were in love.
I hate the expression "funerals are for the living" as it is often said in response to making arrangements contrary to what the deceased had stated he wanted. If you don't think he would want you there, there's your answer.
Around here fewer people are having traditional funerals. Either nothing at all, a visitation for the family---no body present---or a memorial service weeks or months later.
Funerals are indeed for the living. Maybe the dead man wouldn't want her there, but her living sons most certainly would.
My mother attended my father's funeral and was there during the planning from start to finish. She is on her 3rd marriage, and my father never remarried. So, yes, attend the ex-spouses's funeral. Not only if you have children together, but out of respect for the person.
I'm not in this situation now, but it's something I likely face at some point in the future. I've been divorced for 10 years, not at all on friendly terms with my ex, our three sons are all grown. If my ex dies before me, I don't know if I should attend or stay away from his funeral. I would want to be there to support my sons, but considering my ex did not want me to attend the memorial services for either of his parents when they passed, I think he would not want me there. Most likely I will try to be supportive of my sons in other ways. But I can just imagine some of his family saying, "Can you believe it? Kayanne didn't even bother to be here for her sons."
Anyway, I just was wondering what others have done (or plan to do).
If your ex would not want you there, then I think you should not attend. You can be supportive of your sons without being present at their father's funeral.
I imagine if his family would criticize you for not attending, then some of them would also criticize you for attending. I don't think you should base your actions on whether someone would be critical of you or not. If your sons were younger, then, my answer would be different. But they can attend as adults by themselves or with each other, and I imagine their father's family will be glad to see them.
My wife's first cousin divorced about 7 years ago. His ex-wife died last year. He and a close friend, a former law colleague of mine, planned the funeral.
I was the one who wouldn't go since the ex-wife said, right after meeting me at my wife's grandmother's funeral, in the hearse to the tomb, "I have more important people to talk to than you."
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