Attend funeral for ex-spouse? (wedding, present, brother, grandmother)
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
This...plus you could just ask your sons how they feel about the situation...
I have no plans to attend my ex's funeral if he dies before me...
QUOTE=Sonic_Spork;50434583]Given that my ex-spouse has stressed me out good, this last couple of days, when I first read the title of your thread, I said (not entirely seriously, and only in my head of course) "I wish."
But a real answer to your question... Funerals are not for the person who died, they're for the living who are left behind, to get closure and to begin to heal, and because mourning with others who share understanding of the relationship you had with the deceased...it's healthy. So I agree with the poster who told you to ask your sons what they want, when that time comes. You care more about what is right for them, than about what your ex's family thinks of you one way or another, yes? If having you there will be good for the sons, then do that, and if not, then stay away.[/quote]
You don't attend. You can be there for your sons at home.
And, since your sons are adults...I disagree with putting them on the spot by asking them if you should attend. You already know your ex would not want you to.
Last edited by JanND; 12-18-2017 at 03:47 PM..
Reason: edit text
You don't attend. You can be there for your sons at home.
And, since your sons are adults...I disagree with putting them on the spot by asking them if you should attend. You already know your ex would not want you to.
Something tells she's in a "damned if you do, damned if you don't" situation.
Location: Stuck on the East Coast, hoping to head West
4,641 posts, read 11,954,063 times
Reputation: 9887
It could be more painful you than you realize. My friend's ex-husband suddenly died from a heartattack. He had remarried. The service was all about the love he and his current wife shared, how she was the love of his life, there was even a video collage of all their special memories. Uggghhh. My friend was pretty stoic, but I could tell it really was heartbreaking for her--she'd been married to him for years and they shared 2 grown kids. Her role in his life was never mentioned as the current wife planned the whole thing. Which is only right. Still.
About those grown kids---they were seated up front with his current wife and kids. My friend was seated in the back. There just wasn't a space for her.
My vote is no. If you want to show your respect, go to the viewing.
I'm not in this situation now, but it's something I likely face at some point in the future. I've been divorced for 10 years, not at all on friendly terms with my ex, our three sons are all grown. If my ex dies before me, I don't know if I should attend or stay away from his funeral. I would want to be there to support my sons, but considering my ex did not want me to attend the memorial services for either of his parents when they passed, I think he would not want me there. Most likely I will try to be supportive of my sons in other ways. But I can just imagine some of his family saying, "Can you believe it? Kayanne didn't even bother to be here for her sons."
Anyway, I just was wondering what others have done (or plan to do).
Well this is an easy one.
Whose opinion and relationships do you value? His family, or your sons?
After you answer that, ask them what they would like for you to do, but make your personal preference known and proceed accordingly.
Me personally? I wouldn't go unless my kids REALLY wanted me there.
I think other people have covered all the possibilities. I just want to urge you not to worry about what other people will say. You can't control their verbal poison or what it does once it's out in the world. You know what they say about never explaining. Your friends don't need it and your enemies won't believe it.
I wouldn't bother to decide now, because things could change before it becomes something you have to figure out. For instance, once you become a grandparent, you and your ex may mellow out and reach a state of detente so you can both participate in the special events in your grandkids' lives. Maybe by the time one of you dies, the other will feel it's appropriate to pay their respects. No need to decide anything until you need to decide.
My ex died about 4 yrs ago and did not attend whatever they had for him...
But I did make comments on the online registry his "new" daughter put together. I thought about it long and hard and said Why Not, we had a history and a child together and so I said something about him and was pretty nice with my words.
I don't go to funerals for the most part anyway. Last one was my dad's and he didn't even want it, but my sister made all the arrangements before. He didn't care what we did with him...but sister spent the $10K for all the trappings.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
