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I've read blogs on addiction. The first thing the teen or young adult addict does is drive a wedge between her parents to weaken their position. Then she can shamelessly take advantage of whichever parent is soft-hearted while the firm parent is thwarted at every turn because Softie truly loves the child and the other parent is just a heartless meanie. The addict steals from her parents, the Meanie wants to have her arrested, the Softie draws herself up and in a tone of self-righteousness says, "Well, I could never do that to my child."
Not surprisingly, these situations usually end in divorce and ruined lives.
Only if the parents have a steadfast commitment to each other can they help their child. The marriage has to come first. There is no other way. You can't have one partner taking a hammer and chisel to the edifice of marriage under the guise of "love" and expect it to survive.
Not surprisingly, these situations usually end in divorce and ruined lives.
I already see multiple ruined lives. The thing I don't understand is why the husband married the OP in the first place. It's not like any of the baggage could possibly have come as a surprise.
No, trust me. Blended families are the toughest I've ever dealt with. My husband comes from the "tough love" school of parenting. He said that's how his parents raised them. I'm not sure if he's bragging but he keeps saying that out of 7 kids, they put 4 through college, one went to the military and two went to work after graduating high school. They all have their diplomas and not just a GED and my husband is one class away from getting his masters. It's like he doesn't care about my sons. Granted they haven't made the best of decisions but I have always felt he was too hard on them. When my oldest son started getting into legal trouble my husband sat him down and said, "One of us will leave this house and I promise you it won't be me." My oldest son hasn't lived with us in a few years now. He's 21 years old and already been arrested 7 or 8 times and is a convicted felon. I still see the good in him too.
Did you and your husband discuss the expectations of having a blended family before you married? If the two of you can't form a united front when dealing with your adult children, you are going to have problems. Both of your adult children should strive to be independent, and your husband owes your adult children nothing. Why do you want to stunt your adult child's level of maturity by enabling him?
I already see multiple ruined lives. The thing I don't understand is why the husband married the OP in the first place. It's not like any of the baggage could possibly have come as a surprise.
I was wondering the same thing. She must be a really good cook.
What's wrong with mom? What's wrong with HIM? He's 19yo!! He is fully capable of getting around town on his own.
Well of course he should be paying for his own car and driving himself or figuring out another way to get to work, I thought that was obvious. I just can't understand why mom volunteers EVERYONE ELSE to do something and yet she is perfectly capable. Maybe the apple doesn't fall too far from the tree.
Wow, you guys are really having a field day with my misery.
My husband just informed me that he wants to have a sit down with me, my son, and the girlfriend.
What should I do? Should I let him?
Of course, the four of you need to sit down together. And then sit down with her parents, too.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Snowed08
So, does this mean that my husband's 19 year old daughter has to pay rent too cause she's away at college herself. Why should my son have to pay rent and she doesn't when they're both in school?
Quote:
Originally Posted by UNC4Me
She doesn't live in the home except on holidays and perhaps the summers. Your son is living there full time. Do you really not see the difference?
You son is sleeping at home, eating at home, using the hot water and electricity at home, using the internet at home, sharing your kitchen, living room and bathroom, etc. etc. etc. and his daughter is not using those resources.
Even a ten year old knows the difference between the two situations.
Well of course he should be paying for his own car and driving himself or figuring out another way to get to work, I thought that was obvious. I just can't understand why mom volunteers EVERYONE ELSE to do something and yet she is perfectly capable. Maybe the apple doesn't fall too far from the tree.
Agreed. Of course the apple doesn't fall far from the tree. And the father is enabling the mother by putting up with her nonsense. Her subject line says everything you need to know about this woman: "...why won't he help me this time?"
I've read blogs on addiction. The first thing the teen or young adult addict does is drive a wedge between her parents to weaken their position. Then she can shamelessly take advantage of whichever parent is soft-hearted while the firm parent is thwarted at every turn because Softie truly loves the child and the other parent is just a heartless meanie. The addict steals from her parents, the Meanie wants to have her arrested, the Softie draws herself up and in a tone of self-righteousness says, "Well, I could never do that to my child."
Not surprisingly, these situations usually end in divorce and ruined lives.
Only if the parents have a steadfast commitment to each other can they help their child. The marriage has to come first. There is no other way. You can't have one partner taking a hammer and chisel to the edifice of marriage under the guise of "love" and expect it to survive.
So true! If only people realized this! Thank you, Fluffy, for saying it so beautifully!
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