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Definitely stop being available when she calls you about her relationship...Not sure though that I would trash the whole relationship, 14 years is a long time. Only you know if it has always been so one-sided.
You don't hang on to relationships because "14 years is a long time", marriages that are much longer end, as do friendships. This person is very self absorbed. The OP is their free psychiatrist, nothing more.
Quote:
Originally Posted by jaredC
It hasn't always been one-sided. It's just that for the past few months, all I've heard from her is about how her relationship is going, and the problems she is facing. It was this one time I came to her for advice and the reception I got from her blew my mind. I'll probably stay friends with her, but I probably won't offer advice anylonger.
Well once you no longer offer advice, you're of no use to her.
Quote:
Originally Posted by MissTerri
Next time she asks for advice just tell her to "talk to God" and change the subject.
I like the advice to tell her to "talk to God" and change the subject next time she asks for advice from you. I also like the advice to tell her that she hurt you. Hopefully she will care and understand if you tell her how it made you feel when she dismissed your need for support and advice. Or like gouligann said she might run for the hills.
Same here. I have had "friends" who complained over and over and over to me about problems they were having, and I always listened, and gave them support and suggestions to try to help them. But when I had the same or similar problems they minimized or dismissed my problems and did not reciprocate the support that I had given them. I distanced myself from them and eventually I completely withdrew from them.
Seems to be a common occurrence. I have experienced this also.
I found as I got older that there are people who might have fit in your life at some point but are never truly friends and end up being toxic. There is no shame in jettisoning those friendships.
I had one who called me in the middle of the night, suicidal, married boyfriend wasn't leaving the wife as promised...I had to get up at 5 a.m. but I sat with her from 1 to 4 till she felt better and got everything out of her system.
A couple of weeks later I see pics on Facebook of a big barbecue she threw with all her neighbors and other people I knew there, and the married boyfriend of course. Caption about being surrounded by all the best people in her life.
About six months later I got a text, what's up, haven't seen you in a while...I just never responded. Call a shrink, b****.
You don't hang on to relationships because "14 years is a long time", marriages that are much longer end, as do friendships. This person is very self absorbed. The OP is their free psychiatrist, nothing more.
Well once you no longer offer advice, you're of no use to her.
Yes. It's like that quote from Maya Angelou: When someone shows you who they are, believe them.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mightyqueen801
Seems to be a common occurrence. I have experienced this also.
I found as I got older that there are people who might have fit in your life at some point but are never truly friends and end up being toxic. There is no shame in jettisoning those friendships.
I had one who called me in the middle of the night, suicidal, married boyfriend wasn't leaving the wife as promised...I had to get up at 5 a.m. but I sat with her from 1 to 4 till she felt better and got everything out of her system.
A couple of weeks later I see pics on Facebook of a big barbecue she threw with all her neighbors and other people I knew there, and the married boyfriend of course. Caption about being surrounded by all the best people in her life.
About six months later I got a text, what's up, haven't seen you in a while...I just never responded. Call a shrink, b****.
Good riddance to selfish thoughtless people like this.
It's a difficult balance trying to maneuver through all the takers but when you get it right and give to the right people it's wonderful. It's like having a beautiful flower garden full of weeds. It takes a lot of work to make that garden beautiful, and experience teaches you what is best to plant to reduce the weeds. There will always be weeds, just like there will always be takers. The key is to pull them out of your life as soon as you recognize that pattern you put yourself in and replace them with a healthy flower that gives as much as it takes.
I really like your analogy.
In my own situation, there are people who are more like non-native invasives - they may have pretty flowers once a year, but unless you remain vigilent, they take over your space and crowd out more attractive native plants and other non-invasives.
The secret is to limit them to certain areas of the garden, if you absolutely must have them, and to be ruthless when they start to spread.
I had a high school friend like this. She was truly nice, just oblivious. I had another high school friend who was was somewhat like this, but was demeaning and would purposely give bad advice. The first I kept in contact with, but limited our phone calls eventually to once a year, which worked out great. The second, I never kept in contact with and don't want to. High school is definitely not a good reflection of how people actually are, but why take chances with that toxic of a person?
I have also found my best friend tends to sweep my problems away. But I love her dearly and she gives so much to our relationship in different ways that I don't mind. I think part of the problem is that she sees me as living the perfect life, something she wants, while she feels like her life is in shambles and she can't get it together. If you look at it that way, then my problems might seem trivial. Also, if you hold up one person's life as ideal (or in my case, maybe that itis constant and stable), you may not want to hear about anything that mars that image.
If you have just ONE friend in this world, who you can trust with any secret, who won't use you, who will help you with your problems without judging, and who will remain loyal to you through thick and thin, then HOLD onto them with kid gloves. Treat them well for they are rare and dear.
So I've been friends with this person for around 14 years. She has been coming to me for relationship advice for years, and the last couple weeks are no exception. Her and her boyfriend had been together nearly a year and he works in New York and she lives in Northern California. She has been having difficulties in dealing with the lond distance relationship. We primarily communicate via phone calls and text messages. I've always been there to give her advice and to talk her out of her depression due to the complications of the type of relationship she is in. On several occasions she nearly broke up with her boyfriend and she would call me and ask for advice, seeing as I was the only person she trusted with to give advice. I've spent countless amounts of time talking about her and her relationship and problems.
Today I thought I'd ask her opinion on a relationship matter that I have been having, and her response to this was to talk to God. I thought that was such a crappy response. Especially given as I have spent so much of my time and energy giving her advice and all she tells me is to turn to God for guidance. I am not a religious person and neither is she. I just expected her to try a little harder, to put into a little effort like I have put in to her issues.
OK, so I've shared my story of the shed friendship of 2015. What's yours?
I've had friends like this. I don't talk to them anymore. They don't need me because they can hear themselves talk about themselves whenever they way. lol
My shed friendships of 2015.... Basically these two guys had feelings for me and I was in love with someone else, so they kicked me to the curb as a friend because they couldn't handle being friends with me while I was pursuing someone else. Then many months later I lost the person I loved as a friend because he stopped caring about me out of nowhere after saying we would be friends forever no matter what.
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