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I lay things on the line with my friends and my family. If something bothers me, I come right out and say it. Honesty in relationships is a key part, but I don't mean in a nasty way or something trivial like saying you don't like a friend's hair-do, etc. White lies are ok LOL
If you value this friendship of 14 years, I'd arrange to meet her for coffee. Say hi in the normal way and let her start blabbing. After a few moments of her life, I'd say to her, "do you have any idea that you hurt me a while ago?" Let the tears come if you're the type to cry. She'll give you the "deer in the headlight" stare and say no, most likely. Then tell her exactly what you told us. Then tell her that life isn't ALL about her, and you were seeking some support about your problems.
She will either listen to your advice and stop being so self-centered or she'll run for the hills. Let her be the one to call or text to arrange your next get-together. If you don't hear from her, she hasn't learned, and move on. She'll know why, and you'll both have learned a valuable lesson in how friends treat friends.
So I've been friends with this person for around 14 years. She has been coming to me for relationship advice for years, and the last couple weeks are no exception. Her and her boyfriend had been together nearly a year and he works in New York and she lives in Northern California. She has been having difficulties in dealing with the lond distance relationship. We primarily communicate via phone calls and text messages. I've always been there to give her advice and to talk her out of her depression due to the complications of the type of relationship she is in. On several occasions she nearly broke up with her boyfriend and she would call me and ask for advice, seeing as I was the only person she trusted with to give advice. I've spent countless amounts of time talking about her and her relationship and problems.
Today I thought I'd ask her opinion on a relationship matter that I have been having, and her response to this was to talk to God. I thought that was such a crappy response. Especially given as I have spent so much of my time and energy giving her advice and all she tells me is to turn to God for guidance. I am not a religious person and neither is she. I just expected her to try a little harder, to put into a little effort like I have put in to her issues.
OK, so I've shared my story of the shed friendship of 2015. What's yours?
The story of my life with so-called "friends". I feel used up (out of energy) and have withdrawn from all of them. My new goal in 2016 is to attract better people into my life.
"I think we've talked enough about our moms and we need to move on. Let's talk about something else."
That sounds like something a couple of women in my family would say or have said in essence. I never talk to them about anything personal, ever. They have no patience for anyone's weakness or emotional needs. I seriously don't think they even understand how terribly selfish and insensitive that they are being when they make their "pat" pronouncements to get them out of uncomfortable duties. It's their deficiency that is wholly invisible to them.
First of all your "friend" if you can call her that, is a joke. People who live apart from each other aren't in relationships, they're text buddies/e-mail/phone pals. I've had friends like that and as soon as I saw they weren't there for me when needed, I ended the friendship.
One friend kept breaking up with her fiance. Countless nights with her sobbing her eyes out, getting drunk, accidentally throwing her ID and credit card in the trash - all after he cheated on her. The dumb*** gets back together with the loser and they get married. I refused to go to her wedding and ended the friendship.
I like the advice to tell her to "talk to God" and change the subject next time she asks for advice from you. I also like the advice to tell her that she hurt you. Hopefully she will care and understand if you tell her how it made you feel when she dismissed your need for support and advice. Or like gouligann said she might run for the hills.
Quote:
Originally Posted by lovely40
The story of my life with so-called "friends". I feel used up (out of energy) and have withdrawn from all of them. My new goal in 2016 is to attract better people into my life.
Same here. I have had "friends" who complained over and over and over to me about problems they were having, and I always listened, and gave them support and suggestions to try to help them. But when I had the same or similar problems they minimized or dismissed my problems and did not reciprocate the support that I had given them. I distanced myself from them and eventually I completely withdrew from them.
I have a recent friend of around three years that is driving me insane. I helped her quite a bit over the last two years and now she is expecting me to be the maid. She never stops talking and when I say never it's non stop for hours about her illnesses and everything else that's wrong. I ignored her phone calls and she drove over to our house and caught me outside talking to our neighbor. She expected me to drop everything and go help her. I said that I couldn't but that I would help her after lunch the next day. I went to her house and wasted over an hour trying to help her with something she didn't need my help with, and she had another friend come over to hold her hand. She ranted and raged about the $75 dollars she had to spend on the permit. I finally put mt coat on and said what's done is done and left. She asked me if I was mad at her but I lied and said no. I just had things to do. She was supposed to go visit her son for Christmas but her son doesn't really want anything to do with her so she's stuck with a plane ticket she will never use. Unfortunately I invited her to spend Christmas with us and another friend and now I regret inviting both. I'd rather it just be the two of us but I can't undo what's already done. John says I have to stop being so nice, but I'm a giver, not a taker. That unfortunately is a recipe for disaster and attracts needy, selfish, time sucking vampires. It's a difficult balance trying to maneuver through all the takers but when you get it right and give to the right people it's wonderful. It's like having a beautiful flower garden full of weeds. It takes a lot of work to make that garden beautiful, and experience teaches you what is best to plant to reduce the weeds. There will always be weeds, just like there will always be takers. The key is to pull them out of your life as soon as you recognize that pattern you put yourself in and replace them with a healthy flower that gives as much as it takes.
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She never stops talking and when I say never it's non stop for hours about her illnesses and everything else that's wrong. I ignored her phone calls and she drove over to our house and caught me outside talking to our neighbor. She expected me to drop everything and go help her. I said that I couldn't but that I would help her after lunch the next day. I went to her house and wasted over an hour trying to help her with something she didn't need my help with, and she had another friend come over to hold her hand. She ranted and raged about the $75 dollars she had to spend on the permit. I finally put mt coat on and said what's done is done and left. She asked me if I was mad at her but I lied and said no. I just had things to do. She was supposed to go visit her son for Christmas but her son doesn't really want anything to do with her so she's stuck with a plane ticket she will never use. Unfortunately I invited her to spend Christmas with us and another friend and now I regret inviting both. I'd rather it just be the two of us but I can't undo what's already done. John says I have to stop being so nice, but I'm a giver, not a taker. That unfortunately is a recipe for disaster and attracts needy, selfish, time sucking vampires. It's a difficult balance trying to maneuver through all the takers but when you get it right and give to the right people it's wonderful. It's like having a beautiful flower garden full of weeds. It takes a lot of work to make that garden beautiful, and experience teaches you what is best to plant to reduce the weeds. There will always be weeds, just like there will always be takers. The key is to pull them out of your life as soon as you recognize that pattern you put yourself in and replace them with a healthy flower that gives as much as it takes.
