Not Invited to Friend's Party (appropriate, husband, person, member)
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I did attend the party last year. I had a "friend" very similar to her (only interested in herself, not asking how I am, bragging on purchases/what paid for them). I had to stop being around her. Seems like I attract this kind. You all are so right. I don't really feel like this is what friendship is about. I have gone out of my way to be there for her, although I don't know if she or this other one would bother to pee on me if I was on fire.
The only person you can change is yourself. Stop allowing others to use you. Start loving yourself as much as you love them. It is good to show respect and be friends with others but when they don't show respect to you, ask yourself, "Would my life be better or worse without them as a friend." Then act on the answer. Don't blow up or tell them what you are doing, just do it quietly. Telephone rings and you see their number, don't answer. Oops! That message somehow got deleted.
"Love thy neighbor as thyself" means you are supposed to love yourself too. Some of us have been over trained to only love the neighbor. You have been given permission to love yourself. That means you can judge situations as to what is best for you. When you deal with selfish people sometimes you have to protect yourself from their selfishness.
OK....this was hard for me but when I received a text from her I waited a few minutes before answering and just sent her a short and sweet msg that something came up. That was so hard for me and now I am feeling guilty!!!! What did I tell you? I am going to do a bunch of praying and meditating over this because I don't want to feel guilty for stuff I shouldn't feel guilty about.
And I am tired of the drama too. I am tired of hearing about "friends'" problems and they don't give an owl's hoot about my problems. Unfortunately, I have to be around this person in group settings. I will be friendly when I pass her. I don't snub people--never have been good at that. I do feel really hurt at the way this all turned out. I invested a lot of time and energy. It was most always one-sided but I had felt like if I was helping someone that was an unselfish way to be. It was coming to this because almost everytime I was around her I ended up feeling worse instead of better. She was pretty controlling.
I do really appreciate all of you taking the time to try and help me with this. Many thanks
You are a caring person. Take that and find a local organization that can use your volunteer time. I personally think volunteering is a wonderful self esteem building and productive way to live your life.
You'll be surprised once you start focusing your potential for good work in a positive way, helping those less fortunate.
It can be anything from volunteering at an animal shelter, walking those homeless dogs to helping rock babies who are addicted to substances at birth. Sit down and think of anything that you have always thought would interest you. Then find a local organization and volunteer. I would really enjoy updates if you do this.
Thanks so much JanND....
I grew up in an alcoholic home (lost my dad to alcoholism and my mom, an everyday drinker, gave it up completely on her own after he died.) I have been to numerous therapists. One of the last ones I went to was making sexual remarks, flirting, etc. sometimes during our sessions. I had to stop seeing him because it was messing me up more. I have been told by therapists that I maybe suffered some kind of early abuse. If so, it is gone. I do a lot of reading now and trying to improve my self esteem other ways. I also do a tremendous amount of volunteer work to take my mind off my own "issues". It helps helping others who really have more struggles than I do and maybe will ever have.
I will check out your sites and appreciate your help.
And I am over my "Mighty Mouse" heroics....no more saving her. She is on her own. I'm done. Thanks again to all of you for opening my eyes.
Good Morning, Cam.....
Please do not worry about any of that. I was more concerned I said something that hurt/offended you. All is good.
.....And some of my replies prob. haven't been so "polite" to some posters on other postings, as I get a bit frustrated when I read some of the situations people get into. Think I don't want others screwing up their lives like I did (????). Anyway, I am trying to tone down my responses because I don't want to upset anyone so lately I am walking on eggshells. Also, this woman I mentioned was the "closest" friend I have had in a while. I had one who I brought up before and had to end that relationship and now this woman and posters have pointed out to me that she is no real "friend". My daughter's birthday was last week and since she doesn't have anything to do with me, I sure don't want to offend people like you who have helped me so much through some of these rough times.
I wish you much healing and I'm just learning at 58 to say enough is enough. There's more of us like you in the world. Don't ever apologize for being a good person, just learn that your life is to make you happy and it's time to get rid of toxic people or users in your life.
I haven't been on C-D for a year yet, but I have learned that I need to take breaks from it because of the cruelness and rudeness of some people posting.
From what i can tell it appears you're her 'shrink/mentor' more than a "friend", She's one of those types that just calls when she needs something but doesn't ever take the time to connect with you on a personal level by hanging out, taking you to dinner etc.
I am pretty much over it. One time when we had plans to meet. After she showed up at the place, she told me that she had a date and as soon as she got a message from her "date" she had to leave. This has happened a couple of times where we met. I changed my schedule to be with her and then she got "other plans". Another time within a few minutes after we met, she got a phone call and had to leave all of a sudden. No explanation (she said she couldn't talk to me about it). She just got up and left me sitting there.
These things came back to mind after I did my first post about this and I have had the chance to think of other things which have happened which have hurt me...like when she said "You are so lame" to me when I got turned around for a moment in the parking lot walking to the car. I had just finished listening to her for well over an hour and a half about all of her problems. I really cared about that woman and hurt because she was hurting. That "lame" comment really hurt me and I never ever call my friends names--not even jokingly, because I value them, want them to feel good about themselves and never would I say something to hurt them intentionally anyway. And she has said other things to me which I thought "why in the world is she saying that to me--doesn't she know how hurtful that is?" Me being "too nice" didn't say one word. I need to really work on that and not let people get by with putting me down like that.
I would never call someone close a "name", either. It is amazing how cold, empty and callous, among other things, some can be. Not everyone is blessed with possessing sensitivity and thoughtfulness toward others or placing themselves in another's shoes. This woman you refer to will ultimately experience a tough time in life, due to her outwardly shallow, non-genuine ways.
You may have unfortunately drawn someone like this to you, but gratefully, are not like her. It seems you have learned something valuable and too bad you had to go through it at all, but it seems our negative experiences help to build who we become. Just protect yourself from this type. It doesn't mean you may not help others out in the future, but only those who have proven they are also there for you.
I would never call someone close a "name", either. It is amazing how cold, empty and callous, among other things, some can be. Not everyone is blessed with possessing sensitivity and thoughtfulness toward others or placing themselves in another's shoes. This woman you refer to will ultimately experience a tough time in life, due to her outwardly shallow, non-genuine ways.
You may have unfortunately drawn someone like this to you, but gratefully, are not like her. It seems you have learned something valuable and too bad you had to go through it at all, but it seems our negative experiences help to build who we become. Just protect yourself from this type. It doesn't mean you may not help others out in the future, but only those who have proven they are also there for you.
Thanks so much for your support. I don't wish the woman anything other than to wish she stays away from me. I am on high guard now since I have been through two in a row who I feel didn't give a darn about me. I have left out a bunch of things which happened because I was trying to spare readers all the whining. I want to be there for others and help them, however, want there to be something left of me after I am with whoever it is I am trying to help. And it would be nice to have genuine real life friend instead of a fake one.
The thing you have to remember, these people are giving you THEIR version of stories...
"People constantly stop speaking to me after I thought we were good friends" is their version of "well I constantly use people then they get sick of me."
I used to be like you, bending over backwards for "friends." Only to be in a time of need and have nobody to help me. One day a friend of mine called me, her car was dead and she was nearby, I came, checked her battery, went to the store, charged her battery, and brought it back for her, she said thanks, took off, and said she'd call. Never heard from her until she needed something again, this time I was like "oh nope sorry can't good luck!" Forget that!
Once I told myself that if I ever hesitated the answer was no. If I ever had to think about it, the answer was most likely no, if I felt uneasy, the answer was no.
Once I started asking the myself "what about ME?" my life turned around. I dropped all my old friends except for a handful of the good people and I made NEW friends. I joined meetup.com and made so many friends, joined a book club, a meditation group, etc, and then now I run a book club of my own and I LOVE IT
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