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Daddy time is when she is with Daddy whether she's fifteen or fifty. Tt has nothing to do with a custody order.
I suspect that Daddy puts up with a lot in order not to ruffle the feathers and maintain what relationship they do have.
I know it has nothing to do with a custody order, but that's how they're all thinking. There is no "daddy" or "mommy" time. And just because she's visiting dad, that doesn't mean she shouldn't talk with her mother. How ridiculous.
I know it has nothing to do with a custody order, but that's how they're all thinking. There is no "daddy" or "mommy" time. And just because she's visiting dad, that doesn't mean she shouldn't talk with her mother. How ridiculous.
She can talk with her Mama all she wants. Just strange that she choses to do it all during the time she visits with her Dad, even when they are out to dinner. Either she has an incredibly close relationships with her Mom that she needs to talk with her so often, or there is something else going on.
I'm betting there's something else going on. She's a grown women behaving like a rude teenager and getting away with it.
As others have said, there is no good to come of confronting her on this.
If Daddy's fine with it, so be it. If it were me, I'd just make myself scarce. Plenty to do in this world without listening to half of loud phone conversations, regardless of who's on either end.
OP, if the daughter is only one year younger than you and is already a grown adult you need to tread VERY CAREFULLY. You are not step-mom. You are a girlfriend. This is her dad. There is probably already some resentment or just weird feelings there on her part because he not only moved you in, but picked someone who's only a year older than her. Sometimes May-December happens and it's a good, healthy relationship. But you have to look at it through her eyes.
I would back way off. I would go out of my way NOT to notice or care about anything having to do with her mother. I would be cordial and warm and remember that this was my boyfriend's daughter and that any problems I caused by being too pushy or acting put out by her would come back to bite ME in the butt. She will always be the daughter. You are the variable that can be changed here. Don't manufacture a situation where your boyfriend feels put in the middle. Picking a fight about something silly like her talking to her mother is the last thing I'd do. Be the picture of cheerfulness.
and she talks loud anyway, then as she was yakking away on her phone, she sat beside me on the couch while I was trying to hear my soap opera.
this is rude and tacky no matter the people involved.
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I then got her attention and pointed to the patio door.
as i did when a friend came to visit only to take out the phone and start talking about other peoples' drama and love lives. motioned for her to take it out to the balcony or catch up after the visit. she understood.
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. So she continued the call outside. Her dad got mad at me for kicking her outside.
dad needs to learn some common courtesy. not enable and coddle rudeness. plus there must have been a sub arctic blast going on outside for him to be that unreasonable with your request anyways
this is rude and tacky no matter the people involved.
That's another thing that got me wondering. I of course used his daughter as an example because it's been so ongoing. I'm not a cellphone person. I don't own one. My boyfriend is of an older generation, and like many his age, he is hardly tied to his cellphone like others out there are. He also doesn't get many calls anyway, but that's another matter. But I don't get why so many people insist on always having their phones on, especially those who aren't getting any important calls - just social calls.
But suppose it was another situation - say it was me, and I was visiting a friend and I kept yacking away on my cellphone with someone who's not even there, rather than being present for the person who I'm physically with.
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as i did when a friend came to visit only to take out the phone and start talking about other peoples' drama and love lives. motioned for her to take it out to the balcony or catch up after the visit. she understood.
dad needs to learn some common courtesy. not enable and coddle rudeness. plus there must have been a sub arctic blast going on outside for him to be that unreasonable with your request anyways
Her dad wasn't in the living room when it happened - I guess he was in the master bathroom doing his business - but he came in when she was already outside. The weather was wonderful BTW, and she was out there having a cigarette while on her phone, so I don't imagine she felt too inconvenienced out there since she probably wanted a smoke in the first place. (her father disapproves of her smoking and has tried to tell her, but again, she's an adult and really wants to keep smoking, and indoor smoking isn't allowed in our home or in most buildings around here, so smokers are used to doing it outside)
I can't recall whether she received the call or made the call, since I was trying to watch the TV, so I didn't hear her phone ringing from behind the closed bathroom door when she was still in there.
Perhaps she doesn't like sharing Papa with you and the phone chats with Mama are her way of getting her digs in. Maybe I'm wrong here, but sure sounds like it.
Interesting theory. I hadn't thought of that.
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Talk with your boyfriend about this. Does it bother him? Enough to bring it up? If not, leave him out of it.
If you are bothered by it, you have a couple choices.
One is to talk it over with her. Gently and with love explain how talking on the cell phone while visiting is hurtful. I doubt she gives a darn about your feelings, but you can give it a go.
Maybe I'll try to take the advice of the majority here and try to just take it up with him first, like preferably before her next visit, which isn't that often anyway, rather than try to confront her directly.
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Or make yourself scarce when she visits. Explain that they get so little time together now and you don't want to intrude. Watch your soaps in the bedroom. Spend the day at the spa or shopping or at the library. Whatever. Greet her warmly when she arrives, then take your book out to the patio. When dinner plans are made, insist you are just to the good part in Don Quixote and you'll catch up later.
It's one thing to sit and chat with Mama at dinner when Papa can talk turn and talk with you. Whole different matter when it is just the two of them.
If your goal is for them to have a closer relationship, making yourself scarce will likely help.
Plus, you don't have to put up with her annoying and loud chats with her Mama.
It's a win-win.
Yes, that's what I had in mind. Although we've gotten along surprisingly well considering my small age difference with her (I was not the reason for her parents' divorce, BTW, they'd already been apart years before I came into the picture, and they don't like each other), I've always felt stress in me when she's around. She talks too loud, talks too fast, and talks alot, kinda manic, quite immature for her age, thrives on drama, can't handle her alcohol, while I'm quiet and reserved (well, not on here, obviously, but in real life) and try my best to feel relaxed. So I've always been trying to make myself scarce. And I hadn't realized up until now that my main reason for not wanting to be around is that I think the cellphone thing is rude, so I feel offended. But her father feels offended when I want to make myself scarce. He pushes to include me in the plans with her. My own father did that when he had a girlfriend after he and my mother divorced, and I didn't feel comfortable with that, and I really don't feel like intruding on his time with his daughter for that reason. But I guess to him, he thinks it looks like I think I'm too good for her company and am being stuck up. I also think he wants to be seen as having a date or something.
She and her new boyfriend had come to my state to vacation for several days and were staying at a hotel. Her dad wanted to meet them for lunch and then he'd bring them over to visit for a few hours. I declined going to lunch, and used the excuse that I didn't want to miss my soap opera. He met them at noon and my soap starts at 1pm. When he goes out to eat with her, they usually stay gone for a long time. My plan was to watch my soap, get ready, take the bus to my community center for my weekly foreign language lesson and then stay there to use the gym. So when I answered the doorbell, I was surprised to see her at the door, and I had only half my makeup on and my hair unbrushed. Her boyfriend was somewhere else, on his own, so I haven't met him yet.
Obviously, my plan to try to make myself scarce wasn't well-executed this time, since I was in the middle of my soap opera and getting ready for the community center. We only have a big TV in the living room at the moment, otherwise I would've gone to another room to continue watching my show.
I think the next time he makes plans to go with his daughter and I decline, I'll just tell him straight out, "No thanks. I think she'd appreciate the time alone with you, and besides, I'm sick of her always talking on her damn cell phone in front of us, to your ex especially. I think it's rude and it bothers me, so it's best that I'm not around if I'm just gonna be mad. So you go have fun. I'll see you later. And please try not to come back too early like you did last time."
Last edited by temazepam; 03-26-2014 at 05:17 AM..
Whenever you get into a relationship with someone with kids (unless it's with a widow/widower) that person's ex is going to be part of your life forever. You're involved with a man whose daughter is only a year younger than you. I can't imagine that point is lost on the daughter and the ex of your boyfriend. I'm also pretty sure the topic has come up between them.
When you deal with an ex, you have two viable options, kill them with kindness, or pull out your hair until you're bald.
I can't say with 100% certainty that there's some passive aggressive actions going on, but it's a pretty safe bet from what you've written that there are. Turning up the TV would have been rude, but pointing outside ranks right up there. If you like his daughter (and it seems you don't get to see her often) then you should be excited to see her. So try to show it.
The ex (quite possibly with help from the daughter) seems intent on making her presence known when the daughter is there (I can't imagine why ) so play the game when she gets on the phone. Turn off the TV, face the daughter with a smile and get involved in the conversation, just as if the ex is in the room with you and the three of you are the best of friends. If the daughter answers a call during dinner, tell her to tell her mother that she's missing out on a great time with great food. Smile smile smile. Since you're basically the same age, you have a lot in common, do your best to become a good friend of the daughter.
Nothing annoys a person trying to get under your skin like not letting them do it. And nobody can be mean to a nice person for long. Rise above the situation and be as pleasant as you can. I wouldn't be surprised to hear that things changed for the better rather quickly. You'll all be the better for it.
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I know it has nothing to do with a custody order, but that's how they're all thinking. There is no "daddy" or "mommy" time. And just because she's visiting dad, that doesn't mean she shouldn't talk with her mother. How ridiculous.
