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Its either bad manners (not just cellphone manners) or passive aggressive behavior, or both. But, does that matter?
Regardless, its not your issue unless its interfering with your present activity. I think you did the perfect thing by indicating the phone call was disturbing your TV viewing and signaling your BF's daughter should go away. Same goes for any kind of phone conversation (doesn't matter who she is talking to) that disturbs your enjoyment of life for longer than 50 seconds.
In return, you as well shouldn't be taking phone calls that disrupt visits. I would only address what disturbs you and let her father deal or not deal with what disturbs him.
You and daddy need to get on the same page with you demanding that she respects you by not disturbing you.
I also don't understand why she doesn't just turn the phone off while she's visiting.
Last time this happened, she and her dad arrived (I didn't think they'd be there so early) while I was in the middle of watching my soap opera. She went to use the bathroom, and as soon as she got done in there, she picked up her cell phone, and told her mother, "...yeah, I'm over at my dad's..." and she talks loud anyway, then as she was yakking away on her phone, she sat beside me on the couch while I was trying to hear my soap opera. I then got her attention and pointed to the patio door. So she continued the call outside. Her dad got mad at me for kicking her outside. But I think she was being rude, and she didn't seem to care that I was trying to watch TV.
Her behavior was no more rude than yours. You watch TV and she talks on the phone because neither of you likes the other and you're trying to avoid and/or irritate each other.
I'm going to say that the rudeness is mutual, all around.
-- The daughter should put the phone away and leave it away when she's visiting. It's not a dad/dad's girlfriend thing either, it's just plain manners. Does she go to her best friend's house and spend the entire time yacking on the phone with her mother? No? Then she shouldn't do it the OP's house either. Just because she has a "right" to spend the entire visit on the phone, doesn't mean it's the right thing to do. (It also speaks to the daughter's maturity -- or lack thereof -- that this supposedly grown woman can't or won't separate herself from Mommy for an afternoon.)
-- The OP should turn off the TV when company comes, even if they arrived earlier than expected. Recall that the OP stated that daughter and mom live several states away, so presumably it takes some amount of time to travel from there to her house. One cannot always predict the exact length of time such a trip will take, so a good hostess will realize that a guest in this situation may well arrive early or late. And it's perfectly natural that the arriving guest, after having been on the road for some length of time, will want to use the bathroom upon arrival.
-- The OP's boyfriend should support his girlfriend (i.e. the OP) instead of letting his daugther and his ex-wife pick at her in this way. The fact that he won't, and instead got mad at the OP for taking a small step to stick up for herself, speaks volumes about what kind of guy he is.
If I were the OP, I would have a private talk with her boyfriend about this. Don't make it about mommy, but instead a simple case of what she (correctly) perceives as disrespectful rudeness on his daughter's part. And if her boyfriend won't agree to stick up for her . . . then she really ought to think long and hard about the future of her relationship with him.
This is NOT your fight to "handle". Stay out of it. It's between her dad and her, if HE thinks she's being rude by talking to her mother so much while on "his" time, then HE can address it. But, basically, she's an adult and can talk to whomever she pleases whenever she pleases. If she chooses not to accept calls from her father, that's on HER -- STAY OUT OF IT. Besides, she's probably still a little annoyed that he married someone so close to her in age. :-) She's close friends with her mom, as a lot of young women are, and likes to talk to her. You think you're going to slow that train down? Think again.
Yeah, I see it just as the daughter having a closer relationship with the mother. She lives close to her mother, and so is probably used to seeing or talking to her a lot. I think its an unreasonable request the OP would be making to say the daughter can't talk to her mother while at the father's house.
We don't have the whole story, but its pretty obvious that the OP doesn't like the mother, and her problems with the phone calls are simply because of this. I'm sure if the daughter was calling her best friend every day their would be no problem. And if the situation was reversed and the daughter was talking to the dad everyday, the OP would probably be angry if the mother tried to keep the daughter from calling dad while it was the mother's time with her daughter.
I tend to answer my cell phone more often when my mom calls me then when my dad does. I just enjoy my phone calls with my mom a lot more, its like I'm talking to a friend. Talking with my dad I sometimes feel like I'm still a teenager. Part of its because he is just a concerned parent, but he is also very nosy. I'm always fighting the urge to tell him I'm a grown women and parts of my life are just none of his business.
I'm going to say that the rudeness is mutual, all around.
-- The daughter should put the phone away and leave it away when she's visiting. It's not a dad/dad's girlfriend thing either, it's just plain manners. Does she go to her best friend's house and spend the entire time yacking on the phone with her mother? No? Then she shouldn't do it the OP's house either. Just because she has a "right" to spend the entire visit on the phone, doesn't mean it's the right thing to do. (It also speaks to the daughter's maturity -- or lack thereof -- that this supposedly grown woman can't or won't separate herself from Mommy for an afternoon.)
But the OP doesn't say that she spends the entire visit on the phone, just that she accepts phone calls from her mother. The last time it happened the girl called her mother when she got to their house. The OP lives in Southern California. If the daughter lives several states away, that means she traveled pretty far to get there. Its perfectly normal for a daughter (even a grown woman) to call and say she made it safely to her father's house. I know when I lived several states away from my family, I would always call when I got back home from a visit. Parents worry, and I never thought there was anything wrong with calling my parents and telling them that nothing happened on my 12 hour drive back home.
And considering how far away the daughter lives, I doubt its just an afternoon visit. She is probably staying for several days. Its pretty unreasonable to tell the daughter she can't talk to her mother for several days while she is at her dad's house.
Perhaps she doesn't like sharing Papa with you and the phone chats with Mama are her way of getting her digs in. Maybe I'm wrong here, but sure sounds like it.
Talk with your boyfriend about this. Does it bother him? Enough to bring it up? If not, leave him out of it.
If you are bothered by it, you have a couple choices.
One is to talk it over with her. Gently and with love explain how talking on the cell phone while visiting is hurtful. I doubt she gives a darn about your feelings, but you can give it a go.
Or make yourself scarce when she visits. Explain that they get so little time together now and you don't want to intrude. Watch your soaps in the bedroom. Spend the day at the spa or shopping or at the library. Whatever. Greet her warmly when she arrives, then take your book out to the patio. When dinner plans are made, insist you are just to the good part in Don Quixote and you'll catch up later.
It's one thing to sit and chat with Mama at dinner when Papa can talk turn and talk with you. Whole different matter when it is just the two of them.
If your goal is for them to have a closer relationship, making yourself scarce will likely help.
Plus, you don't have to put up with her annoying and loud chats with her Mama.
There's something my boyfriend's daughter has been doing that's bugging me and I'm not sure how to handle it. I've lived with my boyfriend for many years. He's divorced and his daughter is grown, and only a year younger than me. The problem is that in all this time, whenever she's visited, she's accepted calls on her cellphone from her mother checking up on her. Every single time she's visited her father all these many years! Before cell phones were as common, her mother would call our landline and ask for her. This was usually on Thanksgiving. His daughter and ex-wife live in the same city and see each other often. He and I no longer live there, and have lived a few states away for some time now. As I see it, she can always talk to her mother any time. But not so with her father. Since I don't know how to handle this, I've let it go on too long, and I need to talk to his daughter about it next time, because I feel like she's bringing her mother into our home with her whenever she calls. And not just where we live - if she's going out to eat with him, for example, she'll take her mother's call right there and then, while we're all waiting for our food.
Another thing I find really wrong with the picture: whenever her dad tries to call her, she doesn't pick up and he tries to leave a message, but her voicemail is full. Yet she never fails to pick up for her mother?? I don't understand why the old witch is always checking up on her, since she's an adult and has been one for a long time. I also don't understand why she doesn't just turn the phone off while she's visiting.
Last time this happened, she and her dad arrived (I didn't think they'd be there so early) while I was in the middle of watching my soap opera. She went to use the bathroom, and as soon as she got done in there, she picked up her cell phone, and told her mother, "...yeah, I'm over at my dad's..." and she talks loud anyway, then as she was yakking away on her phone, she sat beside me on the couch while I was trying to hear my soap opera. I then got her attention and pointed to the patio door. So she continued the call outside. Her dad got mad at me for kicking her outside. But I think she was being rude, and she didn't seem to care that I was trying to watch TV.
It's not your place to say anything to her. You should do everything you can to keep cordial relations with her. You are not her step-mother, and you are not even married to her father. You would be foolish to do anything to **** her off or be seen as treating her badly. I am also not really sure that under the circumstances it's rude of her to take the calls. Just deal with it. No good can come of complaining or getting mad at her.
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