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I'll start off by saying I generally don't like or engage in gossip. But I'm not one of those self-righteous people who get all indignant about it, like I'm above it or something. My reason is that I generally don't care that much about other people's lives, to listen to or spread gossip about them. But that being said....
Yesterday, I had the pleasure of spending over an hour alone with my Mom before the rest of the family showed up for Christmas. This is unusual, as mostly when I interact with her, there are lots of distractions by others, so it's not just us one-on-one. But yesterday she spent most of the hour telling me what amounts to gossip about people I don't even know. One story was about her co-worker. Another was about a couple who are friends with my sister and brother-in-law. Another was about some acquaintance of hers.
This wasn't just "venting," which I could understand ("ugh, let me vent about this person who really bugs me..."). But it was actual gossip: someone is cheating on a husband, someone lied to someone else, someone has a mental illness that they keep a secret, someone squanders their money and is deeply in debt. Now, even if I knew these people, I probably wouldn't care about these things. But I can at least grasp, intellectually, how for people who enjoy gossip, such stories could be scintillating & stimulating when they're about a person you know. But about total strangers? What's the point?
On my long drive home afterward, I was trying to think if this was just my Mom who does this, or have I encountered it elsewhere. And I realized, that yes, I've seen this with a few other people I know (several colleagues). Most recently, a co-worker was telling me about her mother-in-law having a substance abuse issue, and her sister-in-law doing something sneaky. And I care about this why?
Have you encountered this phenomenon? What could possibly be the motivation? At least if a person is gossiping about people the listener knows, they are carrying out their gossiping agenda (which, I guess, is to be malicious and turn others against the subject by spreading something scandalous about them). But what satisfaction can one derive from gossiping about a person the listener has never met? Is it more than just talking to hear oneself talk (yes my Mom can do that too, so no need to introduce the gossip about strangers).
It may be that she has spent her entire life engaging in these types of "observations" about everyone around her -- and it is just now that you have been in a situation where you noticed it.
My mother is the same way but I realized it when I was still very young . . . it is just how some people are. They amuse themselves with "stories" and gossip about everyone around them. And they tend to think others will find the "stories" (gossip, observations, rumors -- whatever you want to call it) interesting.
It is how their minds work . . . it is of great interest to them and they simply think everyone else is going to be enticed, too. Plus, it gives them something to talk about, which is really, really sad . . . b/c I would rather do anything than hear what is often maliciousness and speculation (and second and third hand gossip) - whether it is about someone I know or not. I just find it a terrible way to spend one's time when there are so many other uplifting things that can be the topic of conversation -- especially with a family member!
Your mom enjoys having an audience, for whatever reason . . . could be something to do with aging (if she this is actually something new) . . . but it most likely is that she just wanted to be entertaining and since that is how she is entertained (talking about others) she thought you would find it entertaining, as well.
Yeah, mom has always been very interested in the business of other people
I'm trying to compare her with the co-workers I know who do this, and yes, they all seem to be very interested in the personal lives of other people, even people they don't know. Sometimes there is malice to it, but sometimes, it just seems like a weird fascination. Probably the same people who love reality TV shows with all kinds of interpersonal drama as opposed to documentary-like reality shows.
I tend to be very empathic, and I always try to put myself into other peoples' places, and see things from their point of view, in order to understand them better. My mom and I have always been very different apart from maybe 2-3 traits, but I do at least try to understand her. I just can't see myself ever grasping why this kind of stuff seems interesting to her or others like her. If she had an empty, boring life, that would be one thing, but there's plenty about our own experiences to talk about. I just have no room in my brain to care about the scandals that strangers involve themselves in (I can barely even scratch together any concern for scandals about people I know).
Yeah, mom has always been very interested in the business of other people
I'm trying to compare her with the co-workers I know who do this, and yes, they all seem to be very interested in the personal lives of other people, even people they don't know. Sometimes there is malice to it, but sometimes, it just seems like a weird fascination. Probably the same people who love reality TV shows with all kinds of interpersonal drama as opposed to documentary-like reality shows.
I tend to be very empathic, and I always try to put myself into other peoples' places, and see things from their point of view, in order to understand them better. My mom and I have always been very different apart from maybe 2-3 traits, but I do at least try to understand her. I just can't see myself ever grasping why this kind of stuff seems interesting to her or others like her. If she had an empty, boring life, that would be one thing, but there's plenty about our own experiences to talk about. I just have no room in my brain to care about the scandals that strangers involve themselves in (I can barely even scratch together any concern for scandals about people I know).
Totally relate . . . I think my disinterest in this type of speculation/gossip probably evolved from being turned off to my mother's continual need to dissect, rumor-monger, etc. So I go the opposite direction -- give people the benefit of the doubt (until they have proven to me that they are not to be trusted) . . . and I always think - my oh my - we just don't know what the "real" reasons are behind why people do what they do -- and it is so wrong to jump to conclusions.
I agree - it is very much like the whole "reality tv" thing . . .
Now, I am fascinated by figures in history but they are typically dead when I am doing the digging on info about them. I really enjoy finding out about their lives, relationships . . . so maybe I am not so far off from my mother as I like to think I am, lol. Just something kind of "icky" about engaging in discussions about folks who are living that I don't feel when reading about folks who are deceased. I feel like people who are living are "on trial" with all the discussion behind their backs -- and not able to defend themselves.
I know a couple of people like this. They talk about reality TV characters as if they are real people.
They also talk endlessly about people they know. I really don't understand it at all. They are not very intelligent women but they've both married well so live upscale lives.
I've always assumed they have such empty lives that others' lives, even made-up ones, are really fascinating.
My Mom does that, and it is boring. I ask her what that has to do with me, or us...and I flat out tell her that listening to her talk about people I don't know makes me bored with her.
I learned to always keep conversations in the "here and now", and express my feelings...I confront my Mom when she is acting boorish...after all, if I don't, she may bore other people too...better from me than others,
I'll start off by saying I generally don't like or engage in gossip. But I'm not one of those self-righteous people who get all indignant about it, like I'm above it or something. My reason is that I generally don't care that much about other people's lives, to listen to or spread gossip about them. But that being said....
Yesterday, I had the pleasure of spending over an hour alone with my Mom before the rest of the family showed up for Christmas. This is unusual, as mostly when I interact with her, there are lots of distractions by others, so it's not just us one-on-one. But yesterday she spent most of the hour telling me what amounts to gossip about people I don't even know. One story was about her co-worker. Another was about a couple who are friends with my sister and brother-in-law. Another was about some acquaintance of hers.
This wasn't just "venting," which I could understand ("ugh, let me vent about this person who really bugs me..."). But it was actual gossip: someone is cheating on a husband, someone lied to someone else, someone has a mental illness that they keep a secret, someone squanders their money and is deeply in debt. Now, even if I knew these people, I probably wouldn't care about these things. But I can at least grasp, intellectually, how for people who enjoy gossip, such stories could be scintillating & stimulating when they're about a person you know. But about total strangers? What's the point?
On my long drive home afterward, I was trying to think if this was just my Mom who does this, or have I encountered it elsewhere. And I realized, that yes, I've seen this with a few other people I know (several colleagues). Most recently, a co-worker was telling me about her mother-in-law having a substance abuse issue, and her sister-in-law doing something sneaky. And I care about this why?
Have you encountered this phenomenon? What could possibly be the motivation? At least if a person is gossiping about people the listener knows, they are carrying out their gossiping agenda (which, I guess, is to be malicious and turn others against the subject by spreading something scandalous about them). But what satisfaction can one derive from gossiping about a person the listener has never met? Is it more than just talking to hear oneself talk (yes my Mom can do that too, so no need to introduce the gossip about strangers).
That's not gossiping about strangers. That's gossiping about people that the gossiper knows but the one listening doesn't. Happens all the time.
Now as far as gossiping about strangers, I have friends who do that and it makes me very uncomfortable. She will point to someone that neither of us know and comment on their body, clothes, hair. It's so rude and I put it up with almost bully like behavior. Stuff like that I will refuse to engage in.
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